Are your fights really about the pain of disconnection?

April 15, 2011

in Communication, Understanding Her

Unplugged © Andrew Murskiy |

The author of Marriage Problems: Why Couples Fight says “Lovers fight when they believe their partners don’t care about how they feel. They fight about the pain of disconnection.”

I don’t think that is as all inclusive as the article suggests, but I have no doubt it’s a major factor in many, maybe most, fights. I suspect women will see this easily, while we tough guys may deny that we care that much. Thing is this is, being cared about and connected is not a female need, it is a human need.

Let this help you in two ways:

  1. When you argue, or when there is tension or distance, ask yourself if you have felt she does not care, or if you have felt disconnected. Then deal with that rather than being angry or arguing about something other than the reason you feel hurt.
  2. When you argue, or when there is tension or distance, ask yourself if she might feel you don’t care, or feel disconnected. Then work to correct that, knowing that making her feel loved, cared for, heard, and connected will put an end to a good many arguments, and make others easier to resolve.

Image Credit: © Andrew Murskiy |


I totally feel this way when it's been over a week since we have made love!


  1. […] Are Your Fights Really About the Pain of Disconnection – an insightful post about how to look at your disagreements differently. […]

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