If your marriage has sexual problems, you have probably seen how my last few posts relate to sexuality. Because of the importance we (rightly) attach to sex, and the mental, emotional and physical frustrations/problems that come from a lack of sex, the stakes are high for sexual issues. This means sexual experiential traps are both likely and potentially very harmful.
Fear of rejection is a major experienced based issue with sex. Unfortunately, that fear tends to cause guys to ask about sex in a way that is unnatural, uninviting, even confrontational. Yes, this is a normal reaction, but it’s one that needs to be consciously fought. Saying things like “Do you feel like sex tonight” doesn’t help. Anything that hints of “I know you will say no” or “You always say no” or “You know, it’s been five days …” is just setting her up to say no.
In fact, making it about her – her feelings, her desire, or her wiliness – is a bad plan. We’ve heard from more than a few women that they would sometimes (or often) be willing to have sex, if asked, when they don’t “feel like it”. Asking if she “wants to” allows her to honestly answer in a way that makes you think she is saying no to sex. Instead, tell her what you want. “I’d really like to make love with you tonight” is clear and to the point. If that doesn’t get a real reply, then you can ask a direct question.
Another area where experience gets in the way sexually is expecting her to think, feel, act, react, or respond the way she did last time, or many times. A woman’s sexuality is not like a computer where putting the same thing always gives the same results. Her hormones (time of the month), energy level, how interested she is, and how she feels about your relationship at the moment will all affect how she feels about, and how her body reacts to, various forms of sexual contact. There’s also the fact that her likes and dislikes will change over time. Even her lists of “gross” and “wrong” are likely to change over the years.
Be aware how you react when she says no. Being upset because she says no often is understandable, but any anger or nasty comments will only hurt the situation – both then and for the next try. Also be careful about your reaction when she says yes but not in as enthusiastic a way as you would like. If a lukewarm response is the norm for her, it’s understandable for you to be frustrated, but expressing that frustration only decreases the chances that she will get into it and enjoy it.
Bottom line: If your words and actions are what you would say and do if you expected an enthusiastic response, you improve the change of getting that response. If your words and actions indicate you expect bad news, you are more likely to get bad news.
Image Credit: © Marek Duzyk | Dreamstime.com