Permission granted to have a great SEX life!

May 7, 2011

in Sexuality

Great sex APPROVED! © Paul H. ByerlyThis is very necessary follow up on my Permission granted to have a great marriage post. In the case of sex, it is very much permission or approval that is need by some men and many women.

Too often efforts to keep teens from having sex have come down to either saying “NO, NO, NO” to sex, or “Sex is bad” or “Nice girls/people don’t do that” or some other negative message. Other messages that get pushed on people:

  • Sex is only, or primarily, for men.
  • Sex quickly gets boring.
  • Women will stop wanting sex after marriage, or after the first baby.
  • Sex is only for the young.
  • Sex is overrated.
  • Sex is base and animal; spiritual (or intelligent) people don’t have such urges, or at least learn to control them.
  • Good sex requires a great body, be that appearance, athletic ability, or both.
  • The longer a couple is together, the less they are sexually interested in each other.
  • Sex is all about pleasure and as such is selfish.
  • Only a few “lucky’ people have great sex lives, and if you don’t have it now, you can’t ever have it.
  • Great sex comes naturally, so it you don’t have it, you don’t have what it takes.
  • If you have to work at it, something is wrong.
  • Men are sexually selfish and need to learn to control themselves to show real love.

I could go on, but the point is clear – we enter marriage with the expectation that sex is not going to be as great as we want it to be, or that we should not want it “too much” or that enjoying it “too much” or “too often” is wrong. While women are more likely to buy into this, and to buy in more deeply, the reality is that a lot of men buy into these lies as well.

One more – did you know that the majority of men think they have a “high sex drive”? Not just higher than their wife, but higher than the average man. The hidden message in that belief is that they are abnormal, and that what they want sexually is a burden to their bride. Thing is, the majority can’t be above average! A lot of the guys who think this way have normal and even lower than average drives; and very few are as far right on the bell curve as they think they are.

So here is it – your permission to have great sex. It’s not evil, dirty, bad or selfish. In reality, God created it and designed us so that we would strongly desire and greatly enjoy sex. God created us so that sex is beneficial to our bodies, our minds, and especially to our marriages.

Image Credit: © Paul H. Byerly

Sheila Gregoire
Sheila Gregoire

Great points! I think we women also suffer from the "being embarrassed of our bodies" syndrome. It's like Southern women don't perspire; they glow. And women don't fart. Or burp. Or have gastric issues. We aren't supposed to notice anything about our bodies, and we're supposed to keep all of these things secret, under control. So it's no wonder that many of us are a little uneasy if we start to actually get aroused! We're not supposed to, you see. It's hard to make that mental shift! I'm currently finishing up "The Good Girl's Guide to Sex" for Zondervan, which will be out in 2012, and this is a lot of what I talk about! So thanks for posting this. I'll link to it. Sheila from To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

James Witter
James Witter

That is so true Sarah. I also want to thank Paul and his wife for all they do for marriages. I enjoy reading your posts Paul and keep up doing a great job. I also want to say I agree with you 100% of the time on all subjects.. GREAT JOB PAUL!!!!!!

Sarah Baron
Sarah Baron

Everyone should be required to read this before getting married! Sarah


  1. […] We just don’t talk about “those weaknesses” in Christian conversations, so we don’t know what other men face. For years, I thought I was strange – too easily tempted by impure thoughts and inappropriate internet sites. I blamed the failures of my thought life on what I believed to be a “freakishly high” libido. I was surprised to learn that most men think the same thing about their own desire for sex. Paul Byerly from The Generous Husband reports that most men believe their sex drive is higher than average. (link) […]

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