Are you refusing her?

June 1, 2011

in 1 + 1 = 1, Communication, Her Needs, Links to good stuff

The post for today is below – but first, I wanted to gently remind/inform everyone that my bride and I are (trying to be) donation supported. I’m sure some of you wonder why – how much time can it really take? Between us, we put in thirty hours or more a week doing various on-line ministry. Among other things we are the web-masters for three websites and a message board. I’m not trying to guilt anyone into giving – just trying to make the need known. We appreciated all who have supported us in the past, and those who will do so in the future. Click here to donate


Are you giving your bride the amount of information she wants and needs to hear from you about you and your life? Do you share the details, both big and small, of each day with her? I am amazed how often I know something about a man his wife does not. It’s not that he is trying to hide things from her, he just has not shared those things with her. It’s a bit odd to mention something a man said to me a week or two ago in front of his bride and discover that it’s the first she has heard of it. Intimacy happens when a couple know each other fully – the more fully they know each other, the deeper the intimacy. On the other side of it, it takes only a bit of withheld information to cripple intimacy.

There is (usually) a significant gender difference here. Most women seem driven to know all they can about their spouse, while many men do not find such sharing natural – or comfortable. In most marriages, the man is the one who limits the sharing. He is the gatekeeper of how much she knows about him – from his deepest thoughts to seemingly irrelevant details about his day. She wants to know these things, but he refuses to share with her. She has a need, but he does not fulfil that need.

Some of you have seen what I did above – I used language commonly used by men who want more sex than their bride wants. She is the gatekeeper of how much sex they have. He has a need, but she won’t fulfil it. If you feel this way about sex, consider that you are doing the very same thing to your bride if you don’t share with her to the degree she wants. I know it seems different to you, but it really is the same thing: failing to meet a deep desire/need. You’ve said you would never do to her what she has done to you sexually, but you are doing exactly that if you are not giving her the information about yourself that she deeply desires.

If you have been refusing your bride in this way, I pray you will accept that this hurts her deeply. Choose right now to change. I know it won’t be easy, I know it goes against your nature, I know you will have to make yourself do it at first. It would be easy to say “This is how God made me” and ignore it. However, if you love her as much as you say you do, how can you not make the effort?


My Bad: Because I set up posts to publish in the future, I missed Memorial Day on Monday. I want to say a huge thanks to all who serve and to the spouses, kids, family and friends who miss and worry about those who serve. This youtube video by a fifteen-year-old girl says it well.

3 comments
FreedomTruthMarriage
FreedomTruthMarriage

Refusing/gatekeeping in the bedroom isn't limited to how often. It may be limited by "I'll do that, but no way will I do that." Communication can be the same way. We may tell them everything superficial. But what they really want is our inner, deep thoughts.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@David - What a woman really wants to know is the man inside, what he thinks and feels. Talking about work is a good way for most men to get there, but the work and workplace events are more of a way to get there than what she really wants. So I would say a man in this situation would talk as much as he could, leaving out details, about his work, while also finding other ways to share his inner self with his bride. I would be interested to hear how others in the same situation deal with it. I know EMS, firefighters and police who share a good deal with their wives. Military would be different, to some degree, especially in certain jobs. I would think to some degree it also is a matter of how confident a man is that what he shares will never go beyond his wife.

David
David

I see what you are saying. MY wife and I have that problem. My issue is not so much the idea or comfort level of share things about my day but there are those of us who can not free talk about our day with our wives due to the work that we do. Military, EMS, doctors and soforth can not free talk about the ongoings of our work. Most of us can talk about the day to day thing without going into detail but some of us can not. My wife does not understand that since I am in the Army and work in the medical field that I can come home mad or worked up about something and not be able to explain the details of what is going on. I have talked to her about it and I believe that we have it worked out, but I know that there are others that have the same problem. What advice do you have for them?

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