If SHE wants to orgasm during intercourse

June 25, 2011

in Series, Sexuality

© Pretoperola | Dreamstime.com[Note – a break in the “GROW UP series as I promised this post last week.]

PLEASE go read the title again, it’s important. This needs to be her choice, not something you want her to do. If you want this but know she is resistant to trying, tell her you are ready to help her IF she ever wants to, and then drop it – forever. Some women have been beat up by this issue, and the last thing you want to do is hurt her over it again. Some people have suggested a woman who does not climax during intercourse is less of a woman, or broken, or inhibited, or otherwise flawed. Those statements are all wrong.

While it can’t be proven, it seems likely a percentage of physically normal women are physiologically incapable of orgasm from intercourse alone. [A couple of studies done in 2014 showed the size and location of a woman’s clitoris correlates with ability to climax from intercourse alone.] Others are incalculable for emotional/psychological reasons. Still others are so satisfied with their sex life they see no reason to put effort into something that doesn’t happen easily. For some women who don’t climax during intercourse the reason has nothing to do with them, but rather is a result of their spouse – either he can’t last long enough, or he won’t do what she needs to make it happen.

One more study, to try to give some perspective on this before getting to the practical. The abstract starts with “As many as 20–30% of women report an inability to orgasm during sexual intercourse.” In other words, 70% to 80% of women are able, at least sometimes, to climax during intercourse. That’s a far cry from “only 30% can, or ever have“.

So, what if she does not, but wants to? Below are some ways to make it more likely orgasm will happen during intercourse.

  • First and most important – it’s her call. She decides on each occasion if she wants to try for it or not. She must also be free to decide in the midst of sex she is not going to, or is done trying.
  • You need to make sure she has a climax, in whatever way she wants, each time you have sex – UNLESS she specifically indicates she does not want to climax on that occasion. (Some women enjoy sex without orgasm on some occasions. Other never feel this way. Go with her choice.) This is particularly important when she is trying to learn something new – she needs to know she can get the release she needs, when she needs it.
  • Foreplay is critical. This varies from woman to woman, and from one time to the next, so make it her call. Most women will need a minimum of twenty minutes, and many will need more. Some will want or  even need less, but that is the exception.
  • You can also go too long on foreplay. Again, she needs to be the guide.
  • She will likely need more than ten minutes of intercourse to reach climax. We’ve talked to one woman who regularly took a minute or less, and more than a few who needed half an hour most of the time. Again, it varies from woman to woman and from one time to the next. There is nothing wrong with her needing this long, it is how God made her. The good part of this is you can learn to greatly enjoy the journey, and get more pleasure out of sex. If climaxing fairly quickly has become habit (why wait if she’s already had hers, or will after intercourse) you will need to work on this. If you can control yourself beyond a few minutes, (some can’t) you can learn to go much longer.
  • Don’t think it’s over because you orgasm. You won’t go limp immediately, especially if you keep moving. You may need to change movement to avoid over-stimulation, or to stay firm, but you can keep going. Some men will soften somewhat, then after a while get harder again. A few men can even keep going and climax a second time. Even if you do become too flaccid to stay inside, if you are face to face you can keep going and stimulate her just fine.
  • The thrusting of intercourse is great simulation for men, but poor stimulation for women. She needs something simulating her clitoris.
    • Woman on top is the best position for most women, especially if they feel free to do what feels good (grinding against you, not thrusting).
    • Man on top can also work – stay deep and take short strokes while concentrating on using your pubic bone and or the base of your penis to stimulate her clitoris. Let her guide you to give her what she needs.
    • Some women climax from rear entry due to the way it stimulates the G-spot. Many women don’t do this, but some can only climax during intercourse this way, so it’s worth trying. This is more likely to work if she has experience climaxing from manual stimulation of the G-spot.
  • If she is cycling (not menopausal, pregnant, or nursing on demand, and especially if she is not on hormonal birth control), she will be more likely to reach orgasm during intercourse at certain times in her cycle. For most women this is the days before ovulation, and for some it’s also likely the days before her period starts or the first couple of days of her period.
  • Frequency is important here. Most women find they respond to sex faster and more strongly if they have sex more often. Virtually all men find it more difficult to last very long when they have sex infrequently. Combine these, and intercourse more often greatly increases the chance she will climax.
  • Add some nipple play. Some women find this annoying, other find it nice. Some can orgasm from nipple stimulation alone, for others it is enough to push her over the top.
  • Try adding some direct clitoral stimulation to intercourse. PLEASE don’t feel this is “cheating” – whatever works for her and brings her pleasure is a good thing.
    • In most positions, she can get her hand to her genitals and add stimulation. If she enjoys G-spot stimulation, rear entry with her giving her clitoris some attention may result in her having a very strong orgasm.
    • In some positions, you can get a finger or two to her clitoris. If she is on top, especially if she is sitting upright, you can do this with ease. You may be able to do it in rear entry. You standing with her on her back on a table, or you kneeling with her on the bed, or missionary with you kneeling between her legs, all give you good access to her clitoris as you thrust.
    • In any of the above, either of you could use a small vibrator rather than your hands.
    • In face to face positions, a small egg or bullet vibrator can be placed between your bodies so it is near her clitoris (how near and how much vibration should be up to her). The combination of intercourse and vibration can give a woman a very strong orgasm. Some women who don’t “need” the vibrator to climax during intercourse often want to add it because it feels so good (and I’ve heard from a couple of men who say it makes it better for them too).

If you try for a few months and it’s not happening, give it a rest. Too much focus on this can ruin sex for her – don’t risk it! Some women start to experience orgasm during intercourse after years of marriage for no apparent reason. Theories for this include feeling more at home in her body, better self-image, better feelings about sex, more self-confidence, more actively involved in sex, body changes (the clitoris grows for most of her life), hormonal changes, better marriage relationship, less stress, and better sleep after the kids are older. There are many changes as a woman ages favouring her being more sexual, and if you wait a few years and try again you may succeed.

Finally, you need to be careful about your motives, and about how your bride understands your motives. If there is any hint she should “do what is right or normal”, or any hint you feel cheated because she does not climax during intercourse, you are likely to do more harm than good to your sex life. On the other hand, if she knows you want her to have the best sex she possibly can, and understands you will do anything to help her get there, you can’t go wrong.

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6 comments
Heather
Heather

I would like to add that position and angle can make all the difference. If you can make contact between the clitoris and his pubic bone it will be much more likely! I also just came across the We Vibe II, which is similar to a bullet or egg, but is C-shaped and stays in place without being face to face... may be the key to o-ing on rear entry for us!

Josh
Josh

I'm surprised there is no comment on nipple stimulation here. My wife won't orgasm during intercourse without it, but generally does with it.

JJWITTER5
JJWITTER5

@Josh My wife is the same way.  She likes it sucked on sometimes and also flicked with my tongue sometimes...  it also is a big turn on for her and puts her over the top to orgasm.

happy
happy

I would just like to say althought this is not relevant to the post today, that these newsletters r so awesome. I subscribed my husband and I after I was following u guys on twitter, and it was one of the best things I could hve ever done. My husband is a changing man because of these newsletter. In combination with our great church, in which we get the pratical application of the word, and u, "generous husband", our marriage is getting better day by day. I thank God for your wifes as well, but since I'm a little bit more "seasoned" than my husband, it helps him to see that his way may not be the right way, and of course I try not to "go there" with him for sake of falling out, but God is truly working here. He reads them daily and he tries it apply hwat he reads. He dosnt know that I also read these..*snickering, but I just can't resisit knowing what was said to him thru these letters. Again, thank u for all that u do and say, to keep our marriage better. Be blessed!

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