Allow for, and recognise, growth in your spouse.

June 26, 2011

in Be a grownup, Links to good stuff, Seeing Clearly, Series

Woman trying to get out of a box © Tatonka | Dreamstime.com

Ever noticed how people want to put you in a box, and then don’t want you to get out of that box? If you do move outside the box, either they ignore the change, or they deny you have really changed. Very annoying, isn’t it?

Okay, now be honest, do you do this to your bride? Maybe not intentionally, but odds are you don’t see always see it when she changes, and you likely are not fast enough to compliment her when she “grows up” in some way. Maybe it’s even worse than that – maybe you are doing things intended to keep her from changing – maybe you are trying to keep her in her box rather than letting her grow up.

Why does this happen?

  • You don’t like change – even good change.
  • If she changes (or you acknowledge her change), you will you will have to change.
  • It’s not the tjomg you want her to change.
  • You like her being limited; it makes you feel she is dependent on you and won’t leave you.
  • Putting her down is how you lift yourself up – so her growing up would lessen your position.
  • The places where she is not grown up give you an excuse to not grow up yourself.
  • You are just too busy to take notice.
  • You don’t care.

Regardless of why you don’t see it, or try to prevent it, it’s wrong. It’s also hurtful to her, and it harms your marriage. Don’t buy into the lie that people don’t change – people can and do change. You can improve the odds that your bride will grow up by being open to it, and by looking for it and complimenting her on any growth you see. You can also encourage her growth by growing up yourself.

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Image Credit: © Tatonka | Dreamstime.com

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Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

New Blog this week: Winning at Romance is Gina Parris’ marriage minded blog. I like what Gina does, but most of her other blog is not marriage related, so this is great.

 

A Grown Up Marriage

Control Yourself: “Much of what I write about boils down to one thing, self-control.” Yeah, that’s a big issue in marriage!


Marriage Gems

5 Marriage Myths that Keep You from Being Happy: A few gems from a book that sounds very good.
At What Age Does the Romance Peter Out in a Marriage?: Good news about sex and aging – including that men have more to say about it than most think.


One Flesh Marriage

Intimacy in the World of Infertility and Intimacy in the Husband’s World of Infertility: These guest posts from a couple who have been there are powerful.


Romantic Act of the Day

Be Sure to Take Her Along : A great plan, and a money saver.
Picture You Perfect : Rich is right – this is probably more important to her than it is to you. So do it for her!
Time for a Little Dress Up : Another common gender difference, and another opportunity to bless your bride.


The Romantic Vineyard

Trigger Words of Grace: A brilliant must read post.


Simple Marriage

What Kind of Frame is Your Relationship in?: Do you need to re-frame your marriage?
Honestly, how honest are you?: Are you really honest – even in the little things?


Stupendous Marriage

002 Stupendous Marriage Show – Fathers Day – Husband is backsliding – NYTimes – Write a letter: A great pod cast, especially the discussion of the NYTimes article on divorce.
I’ll Try: A great guest post from Debi of The Romantic Vineyard on two words that are horrible that sound okay but are really horrible.


Winning at Romance

Does It Really Matter What Goes on in Private?: This is a good post along the lines of “you are who you are in private”.
When Loving Your Spouse Grosses You Out: This article is aimed more at women and sex, but it is valid for both men and women in a number of areas.

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