Ever had “make up sex”? By make up sex, I mean sex right after a big argument/fight. Some who engage in make up sex say it’s the best sex they have, but that is actually the problem. If the best sex you ever have was after kissing for half an hour, you would be tempted to kiss for half an hour to get great sex. If the best sex you have is after a big fight, might not you be tempted to fight to have great sex? Maybe you would not consciously decide to have a fight for the sake of the sex, but it still creates a bad connection between the two things.
I once talked to a man who felt this pattern was the major cause of his divorce. When they fought, she got crazy, yelling, hitting, swearing, and so on. This was always followed by sex that was very aggressive, and for her the best sex she experienced. At first, he was having fun, but soon sex only occurred after a fight, and he became aware that she was starting fights just to have sex. The fights were tearing him apart, and they were unable to work out a way to have good sex for her without fights that he could not stand.
Is this an extreme example? No doubt, but it still serves to make the point. There is a biochemical reason make up sex can be so good for women – adrenaline. The surge of adrenaline from a fight has an effect on her body that is very similar to sexual arousal. She may mistake this for arousal, or she may find it easy to move from that to arousal. (Along these lines, I once read an article that suggested the best way to “get lucky” on a date was to go to a scary movie!) For men adrenaline is not such a good sex aid, as high levels will reduce or prevent an erection.
I’m not saying there is anything bad about reconnecting with sex after an argument, but if you see a pattern developing, it would be wise to have a discussion and look for better ways both to deal with arguments and to have great sex. Anger has no place in a healthy sex life!