She’s not your mom – the other problem

August 5, 2011

in Be a grownup, Intimacy, Seeing Clearly, YOU4HER

Man playing and ignoring wife © Yurmary | Dreamstime.com

The other common “treating your wife like your mother” issue is men who won’t grow up. They expect their wife to take care of them by doing all the things mom did for them when they lived at home.

  • Do you expect her to do all the housework – even if you both work full time outside the home?
  • Same thing for the cooking.
  • Do you call getting fast food on the way home “making dinner”, but expect her to cook?
  • How many guys know how to run the washer and dryer in their home?
  • How many men have cleaned a toilet or vacuumed a floor in the last month? The last year?
  • Then there are guys who complain that her housework is interrupting their video gaming!
  • I’ve heard more than one man say he brings in the money, and all the rest is on her.
  • Ever heard a man say “I’m babysitting so she can go out”? Wait, they are YOUR children too, why is you watching them for a few hours “babysitting”?
  • In most households, she does the vast majority of the work necessary to get the kids into bed. Moreover, if they get up during the night, he sleeps while she gets up.
  • She gets the kids up, dressed and fed each morning. If he “lets her sleep in”, he does half of what she does for the kids, and expects to be thanked.
  • He thinks nothing of stopping somewhere on the way home, but she had better be home with dinner ready whenever he gets there.
  • His weekends away with “the boys” are as simple as him telling her when. If she wants a weekend away, it’s like planning a major military battle.

You get the idea. Yes, I know many husbands are not this way. I know a couple where he did all the laundry, most of the cleaning, at least half the cooking, and more than half the parenting. He worked full time; she did not do any income producing work. If either spouse is slacking off, that is a problem!

There are a number of reasons women put up with this inequity. Culturally it’s expected. She probably saw her mother doing more than half. Most women are more concerned with “the nest” than most men are, so they do it because they care about it more. Finally, many women learn that doing 60% or more of what needs to be done to keep the household running is far less work than trying to get hubby to do more.

Then he wonders why she doesn’t feel like sex! Aside from being tired and frustrated, there is nothing sexually arousing about a guy who thinks making money is all he needs to do for his wife and family.

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16 comments
The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Mike - See figure 1 - eight page of the PDF, page 748 as the journal is numbered. I an not trying to prove anything, I am simply sharing what I see as the facts. As for a feminist view, the feminists I have argued with would laugh in your face at the suggestion that I am a feminist! A agree that marraige can be good for everyone, and I would say it should be. Unfortunately this is not what I see, nor is it what well done studies report. Yes, putting your spouse ahead of yourself does a lot for a marriage, but if your spouse refuses to do the same you are limited, and that is true be you male or female. I have not insinuated women are better than men - and will never do that for the simple reason that I don't think it is true. If you read me where I am speaking to men and women, such as my twitter feed, or articles on The Marriage Bed, you will see that I take shots at women as well.

Mike
Mike

The study in the link you provided does not support your claim that marriage benefits almost all men, but not many women. The study shows nothing remotely close to that. I really don't know what to say to you. You seem bent on proving your feminist view that marriage is good for man but bad for women. And it is a feminist view. The truth is that marriage can be good for anyone. Just like anything else, you get out of it what you put into it. Are there rare exceptions? Of course. But by and large if you want a good marriage you have to put your spouse ahead of your self. Not to make them happy but out of obedience to God. Stop making things men vs. women. Stop with the insinuations that women are basically better than men. by the way I could cite several studies that show the opposite of what you are saying, but I don't put much stock in studies about emotions.

Mike
Mike

I meant "no idea".

Mike
Mike

Any marriage benefits a man? I know plenty of men who would disagree with that. And so does Proverbs 21:9. "It is better to live in a corner of a roof, than in a house with a contentious woman." I have know idea how you think you can claim that any marriage benefits a man, but if you are going to site a study; be aware that studies can be manipulated and the data misinterepreted. I do believe that its true that most men enjoy their marriage more than most women. However, if you think that it's because men aren't doing enough around the house you are mistaken. It's mostly because the vast majority of women are looking to marriage and their husbands to make them happy. So it seems to me that the reason most marriages benefit men more than women is because men are generally happier going in to marriage than women are.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Mike - The fact remains that marraige is good for a man's health (physically and mentally) and length of life regardless while for a woman it's only beneficial if it's a good marraige, and can be very, very detrimental. Just seems to me there is something wrong when any marriage benefits a man, but only some marriages benefit a woman, while some marriages harm a woman.

Mike
Mike

blah, blah, blah. more of the same. Women do most of the housework. Men play around. Its lies and more lies. How much of the yard work do women do? How much heavy lifting? How much sweaty work? The point of marriage isn't to get someone to do stuff for you. Its to share your life with someone that you love and loves you.

Kathleen
Kathleen

*grin* What did I tell ya? :) Glad it worked out!

John
John

@Kathleen - your idea about cooking was a real blessing. As it turns out, I just had the opportunity to make a meal for my wife. Thank you so much for the idea.

Kathleen
Kathleen

Oh, of course. He doesn't do it all, I do a fair share too. I have a hard time doing a lot of that stuff physically, especially the shopping, as we don't have a car, and use the bus, but I do what I can. I've asked him if I "do enough" to contribute, and he assures me I do. I cook about half the time, and bake, clean the house, organize, and stuff like that. I just meant that I appreciate him so much for what he does do, things that a lot of men I've met expect the wifey to do. Especially cooking! A man who can cook is the sexiest thing in the world to a tired wife who has taken care of a child all day! :)

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Kathleen - If either spouse is doing the vast majority of the work all the time, it shows a real problem on the part of the one doing far less than "their share". That level of immaturity or selfishness does not make for a healthy marriage.

Rob
Rob

Kathleen - I think he's talking about the "he does it all, she does very little scenario". A wife might enjoy the benefits of that arrangement for a while, but more likely than not she'll lose respect and attraction towards someone who lets himself become "the help".

Kathleen
Kathleen

What are you saying? Kind of confused...

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@John - Love the L-spot! As to guys who do it all, I've known a handful over the years. Predictably most are no longer married to that woman, and more often than not she leaves him!

Kathleen
Kathleen

My husband is a Godsend, a GEM in this area! He cooks, shops for groceries, gardens, homeschools our boy, and did I mention he COOKS?! Guys, if you want to make her SWOON, learn to cook ONE dish, and well. Just Google her favorite recipe, look for a top rated one, and follow the directions to the tee! She will appreciate it like nobody's business! :)

John
John

I'm in awe of the guy who worked full time, had a SAHM for a wife and still did more than 50% of the chores. I tried that and I just about wrecked myself. For me, at least, the key is to find out what I can do for my wife to show her that I appreciate her. If that means helping her with laundry, I try to do that. If it means buying her chocolates and flowers and sending romantic text messages, I try to do that. On the sex front I've seen someone write about a woman's "L spot". After going on and on about the benefits of tapping the L zone, how it puts a wife in the mood, etc. he reveals that "L" stands for "laundry". As in "do it".

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