Yes, I know the title is a huge surprise, but science says it’s so:
“But scientists do seem to agree on a few things. One is that gender stereotypes seem to hold. When it comes to desire, men have more of it, both in frequency and intensity. Among women, levels of desire vary much more than among men. They also vary more within individual women, depending on time of the month and across the lifespan. Sexual desire in women is less directly tied to physical arousal than it is in men; in fact, it often follows arousal, rather than precedes it. In women, desire is much more a matter of mind than mechanics and seems to be more affected by partner relationships, what’s going on around them and, perhaps most important, how they feel about themselves. Female sexual desire is not just more complex but more fragile, too. But it may be something that women can learn to feel.” [Emphasis mine – source below]
I have commented on the bolded part before – for men arousal leads to sex, but for many women sex leads to arousal. It seems that some, possibly most, women often don’t feel desire until they start to be sexual. By trying to fit them into the common male sexual pattern, we do them, and ourselves, a great disservice.
I understand that we all want our bride to be wildly horny for us, desperate to get into bed with us, so crazed with lust nothing can stop her. However, few women feel that way most of the time and many never feel that way. Their “failure” to feel that way is not because there is something wrong with their minds or their bodies: it seems to be how God made most women to be most of the time. (I don’t know why, it’s high on my list of questions for God.) Apparently, woman were designed to get horny when they start to have sex.
If you expect her to be desperate for it before you start, you are seeking something which may not be there. If she expects to feel desire before she starts, she is going to miss out on a lot of good sex. If you can both accept that she is different from you, that she can become aroused and enjoy sex but usually won’t feel much desire before sex starts, the two of you can have a much better sex life. Can you accept this is how God made her and not ask or expect her to be something she is not or feel something she can’t feel? Can you let her figure out who she is sexually, and learn to enjoy that rather than trying to make her something that makes you feel good?
Yes, there are exceptions to this, but they are that, exceptions. A small percentage of women usually function more like men – feel desire and seek sex because of that. A larger group of women occasionally function this way (especially near ovulation) but it’s not their primary sexual pattern.
Resource: Learning to Lust – please be aware this article has a non-nude but rather sensual picture of a woman, and some of the other story links may be distasteful.