Do you and your bride tell each other lies about sex? I don’t mean hiding things like porn or an affair, but rather withholding information, putting a good face on things, “white lies” and the like. Because sex is so personal, it’s tempting to think the “cold hard truth” could cause problems by hurting her feelings. While this may make something easier in the moment, it leads to bigger problems in the long run.
For sex to work well, for it to be as great as possible, a couple must know each other. They need to know each others bodies and minds; what feels good and what does not, what arouses and what does not, what desires they can feed and what needs to be their spouses choice. This kind of understanding take a lot of time, a lot of experience, and plenty of talk. Dishonesty, be it by lying or omission, is like throwing water on a fire.
To get you thinking about sexual honesty, try this list of common “sex lies”.
- “It’s okay.” Doesn’t matter what “it” is, if it’s not okay, don’t say it is.
- “That was great!” If it was only good, don’t say it was great.
- “_______ is no big deal to me.” It’s loving to not push her to do something she does not want, enjoy, or feel right about, but don’t lie about what you want.
- “Twice a week would be enough.” If you know twice a week would still be too little, don’t tell her it would be enough. If she gets there she will know you are not satisfied even if you don’t say anything, and then what?
- “I never masturbate.” If you do it, no matter how often, be honest with her. If you feel it’s wrong, tell her that, and if you feel it’s not wrong, tell her that. If you do it because going more than three days is a problem, tell her that.
- “I’ve haven’t looked at porn in _______.” If you determine you will confess any slip, of any size, it will help you not look. If you can confess even small slips (“It was a pop-up, and I did not close it as fast as I could have”) she will see your struggle, and your honest attempt to beat it.
- “I know that was good for you.” If that is a question, ask her. If you are trying to convince her, you are wasting your time.
- “I came.” Yes, guys fake it too. Usually not by saying they did, but by going through the motions and getting rid of the condom fast. If you lose the sensation, tell her, and either stop or do what it takes to get going again and finish. If you don’t feel the need to climax, let her know that – tell her you enjoy sex with her, and sometimes you don’t need to climax. And PLEASE don’t fake it then go to the bathroom to masturbate!
If you have been telling any sexual lies, come clean. Even if your lies are minor, use them as a way to start a discussion about total sexual honesty with your bride.