Separate Beds?

September 2, 2011

in Good Marriage, Series

Two twin beds © Yuri4u80 | Dreamstime.com

His and hers

More on things found in the article 10 Marriage Rules You Should Break – called “rules you can break with confidence.”

You should never sleep in separate beds.

Here is another item where I disagree. Yes, I’ve written plenty about the need for good sleep, but it is exceptionally rare that getting a good night’s sleep requires separate beds, much less separate rooms. There are other ways to deal with the reasons people stop sleeping together:

  • Ear plugs
  • White noise machine
  • Snore guards (fitted by a dentist)
  • A two chamber air mattress or other low motion bed so that tossing and turning does not make the other side of the mattress move.
  • Dual control electric blanket or mattress pad.

A better sleep environment will also help, as will better sleep habits:

  • A very dark room.
  • Cool, but not cold room.
  • Avoid alcohol and caffeine for hours before sleeping.
  • Avoid anything that produces adrenalin before bed time (including action movies!)
  • Avoid stress before bed (working, heavy exercise, fighting).
  • Have a bed time routine – this helps your brain and body know it’s time to go to sleep.
  • Don’t eat close to bed time.
  • Reduce evening fluid intake if you get up to urinate during the night. (A recent study found that most people go to the bathroom because something else wakes them, rather than being waked because they have to go to the bathroom. Still, if you don’t have to get up, going back to sleep is easier.)
  • Have sex before sleeping. Not having needed sex makes sleep difficult, and sex is an excellent sleep aid.

As to the why of sleeping together:

  • When a couple sleep together they are exposed to each other’s pheromones, and this helps to connect them and sync their bodies (and maybe their minds).
  • Snuggling and falling asleep together is intimate, and very good for a couple.
  • Sleeping together helps to sync your sleep cycles, which makes life easier.
  • The chance to talk and pray together.
  • Sex is more likely. I know one couple that managed to keep a good active sex life despite sleeping in separate rooms, but they are a major exception. In most cases separate rooms, or even separate beds, will lead to a reduction in sexual frequency.

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6 comments
Mandii
Mandii

When we had our 2nd child 2 years ago, my husband and I thought it would be a good idea for me to sleep the in kids room to help them become accustomed to their room, and also to stop me having to keep getting up at night to attend to them. TWo years on, Ive slept in our room once or twice, my husband actually shuts our bedroom closed every night (the door used to be left slightly ajar when we slept together) and sometimes locked it from about 10pm at night. My kids when referring to the room call it "daddy's room" cause they've never seen me sleep there. My husband is an introvert and often says because of the lack of space in our flat (2 bedroom flat) he requires time to think and needs his own space. This has also affected our sex left as I feel somewhat distant from him now and I even started feeling bitter towards him. We have an alright relationship at the moment, but sometime I just feel angry and cheated by the whole situation, I often lash out at him or the kids. I've tried talking to him about it numerous times to find a possible solution to the current situation, but he can't see this as an issue and thinks I'm just complaining for the hell of it. I miss spending time in my room, in my bed, with my husband but just feels like I've been cheated out of a space that should be shared.

Cheray Gardison
Cheray Gardison

Couples that don't sleep together scare me. That whole, "and the two shall become one" gives me a picture of even during bedtime. lol I would strongly suggest trying everything possible before sleeping in separate beds. It just doesn't seem right. www.holesinthehouse.com

osborn4
osborn4

We love our dual chamber air bed (and our dual control electric blanket). Another advantage of the air bed is that you can firm it up when the activities call for a firmer surface. But you can still soften it up to sleep.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

Mandii - All I can suggest is that you don't take no for an answer. Tell him this is a real, significant, and growing problem for you, and his refusing to deal with it is doing harm to your marriage. When he puts you off, tell him you mean it, and he needs to deal with it. Be kind, but be firm.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@John - The article says "No scientific study has ever proven conclusively that mammals have pheromones. " That reminds me of the claims of the cigarette competencies when I was a child - they rightly said science had not PROVEN that cigarettes caused cancer. No good scientist at the time doubted it, but they had not yet proven the link scientifically. I agree that pheromones have been way over blown by the popular media. But like so many things we need to not throw out the entire idea because some have gotten carried away. The article seems to be confused about pheromones, as it seems to indicate they are supposedly something that is smelled. Pheromones are orderless. They are "detected" by the vomeronasal organ (VMO), which is in the nose, but not part of the sense of smell. There are, at least in some animals, other ways in which pheromones influence individuals. The best "proof" of something that acts like a pheromone is menstrual synchrony in women who live together (they all have periods at the same time, if none are on hormonal contraceptives. This has been reported for a century or more, and no doubt known far longer. It is clear that something that can not be seen or smelled is causing this, and what is known of pheromones from animal studies fits the observations perfectly.

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