Is your shame hurting your marriage?

September 15, 2011

in Hope, Links to good stuff, Seeing Clearly

Ashamed man © Birgit Reitz-hofmann | Dreamstime.comI am of the opinion that shame is rarely (never?) from God, and not helpful to us. I think the Spirit of God brings conviction, while condemnation comes from man or Satan. Shame seems, to me, to be at odds with a biblical understanding of grace. Shame tends to be crippling and causes us to lose all hope of ever being better. It leaves us feeling worthless and powerless, and results in our continuing in the behaviour that brought about the shame; we feel we can’t do well enough, so why bother trying?

If there is shame in your life it is sucking the life out of you – and out of your marriage. Regardless of the why of the shame, it needs to be treated like the cancer it is. If you can’t deal with it on your own, please get some third-party help. A great book on this topic is Understanding Shame by Jonathan Daugherty (black and white chain, right side of workbooks).

Part of the power of shame is that we are sure that others would despise us if they knew the truth. In particular, we fear that our wife would leave us, hate us, or refuse to touch us, if she knew what we have done and/or thought. While this may or may not be a realistic fear, the fear itself is crippling, and ultimately far more difficult to live with than anything that could happen because of sharing the truth. Certainty one needs to use wisdom about how and when to share, but share we must if we want to ever be free of the shame.

Help me, and yourself, all for free: I have been using Dropbox for a couple of years, and love it. Dropbox stores files on-line, and on my home computer and my laptop, syncing them each time I log in. I can also access the files via my smartphone. If you sign up for a free 2Gig account, I will get an extra 250 MB of free space – and I need the space! Thanks, and enjoy!

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  1. […] Is Your Shame Hurting Your Marriage? – We recently attended a marriage conference where an entire session was dedicating to exploring the effects of shame on marriage.  Paul hits this right on the head – a must read! […]

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