What not being there for her teaches her

October 14, 2011

in Her Needs, Links to good stuff, Marriage Killer, Understanding Her, YOU4HER

Woman saying no way © Martin Allinger | Dreamstime.comEarlier this week I saw a poignant Tweet that made me think far beyond what was said in the tweet:

Truth: I don’t need her; her constant rejection leaves no room to doubt it. #sexlessmarriage” @BarrenBed

The man in question has gone without sex for more than a year (I think years, actually). His wife’s sexual refusal has taught him that he does not need her sexually, and due to the deep injury she has caused him, he feels he does not need her at all. Given the pain and frustration of what he sees as a very one-sided marriage, it’s hard to disagree with his conclusion.

I suspect the vast majority of men here get it; we understand what he feels and why. We see her as bad and him as the victim. Some of us might tell him to give her an ultimatum, or to just walk. Okay, now let’s change the genders and the thing that is being refused. Do the statements, the sentiments, and the conclusions above still hold up if a wife rarely or never gets her husband to:

  • Talk with her
  • Spend time with her
  • Spend time with the children
  • Say kind things
  • Fix things for her
  • Fill in whatever you “refuse” your bride most of the time

Just like the sexually refused man, a wife who gets little or none of something from her husband is going to learn that she does not need him for that thing. She wants it, but she does not get it, and her life continues. That leaves her tempted to find someone else to provide what he will not, and it causes her to wonder if all the pain and suffering she goes through in her marriage is justified given that some of her deeply felt needs are not being met.

Please understand I am not suggesting or justifying cheating or divorce here; I am only pointing out common results of refusing to meet our spouse’s needs or strong wants. At best, the person feels less in love, and less given to doing things for their spouse. When your spouse holds out on you, the natural response is to hold out on your spouse. Are you causing your bride to want to hold out on you?

This reminds of a very funny clip that has been making the rounds of marriage blogs for a month or so. If you have not seen this yet, it’s well worth the time.

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2 comments
BrianDavidKidd
BrianDavidKidd

As correct as this might be in a lot of circumstances. Let us look upon this again. There are also a couple of things that may be causing these same issues.

 A woman's past hurts being taken out on her spouse due to not learning how to handle internal and external conflict in any other form but blame and anger. Both of these, blame and anger may be taken out internally and externally. 

 Past issues that has placed her in a child like state of emotions, or not allowing her to be maturing emotionally as well as physically. 

Or sarcastically my favorite that has been used, Her being empty from what her spouse has or has not done for her. In some cases this may be true, or her expectations of him correcting her life for her like a Father instead of being her Husband. She may be empty from something she refuses to learn how to forgive that person for. Therefore any wrong her spouse has done can not be forgiven in her eyes as she holds everything he has done against him. Feeling Justified for her past hurts. All because of what someone else she feels has done to hurt her. 

Like her Mother committing suicide when the person was a child. Holding on to her mother's memory through pain and not forgiving her mother for the pain her mother was in at the time. Missing out on so much of that person growing up. Yes this is an example of serious pain. It is also an example of what one person can use to not only destroy their marriage, yet destroy themselves. 

In the above example, her spouse may be there for her trying to do what he can and knows how to. In trying to care for and love his spouse, yet this all falls onto her shoulders. Some alone time to figure things out may be what she needs. When she says everything is not okay, she may be having a hard time realizing that the issues are within herself. 

That the external issues that are happening in the marriage, have a deeper root than a Husband not doing his job. It may simply be a wife who refuses to face her demons and inner pain. Cause it is to much to take on alone, or to take on with her spouse instead of a counselor. 

Like the above example, all that he does and tries to do, falls in an area that does not get seen or recognized. Therefore destroying him cause all she can do is point out his flaws and mistakes. 

There are men out in the world that Love their Wife despite all the sin and heartache she has caused. As well their children and their home. Yet he has a responsibility to teach his children that acting like Mommy (His Wife) is not healthy behavior. Not attacking his spouse that can't change. Yet her behavior that can change. We wish to Love People, yet wish to change behavior. So please understand I am wanting people to work on the behavior and not the person.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@BrianDavidKidd It sounds like you have a good grasp on your situation, and what you should and should not do I suspect that wisdom took time and a good deal of pain.

Something we have learned and taught it to figure out what you would do if your spouse were reasonable, and do that. I think there are exceptions to be made based on the other person's issues, but "if they were reasonable" is an important starting place.

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