Sex her way

November 12, 2011

in Acts of Service, Sexuality

© Auremar | Dreamstime.com

What would sex be like if you did exactly what she wanted? If you’re thinking “That would mean sex once a month or less” this one is not for you. For the rest of you, how about making it all about her occasionally? As much foreplay as she wants, and how she wants it. Her choice of time of day, lighting, clothing, position, and even after-play.

Of course doing this right requires more than guessing; you will have to talk to her about what she wants. Actually, the talking is one of the points – this is a sneaky way to get her to talk about sex, and to communicate what she would like. The other point is giving her exactly what she wants at least once a month. Maybe it is not at all what you like to do, but doing it 100% her way will bless her a great deal, communicate that you love her, and probably make her more interested in sex. You will also learn things about her that you can use to make sex better for her any time.

To start this, let her know that once in a while you would like sex to be all about her – just the way she wants it to be. Ask her to think about what that would be like and then tell you, or write down what she would like. If she asks, tell her you do ot expect her to offer to have sex “your way” – this is a no strings gift because you love her.

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12 comments
Bryan
Bryan

@ Gene, Joseph, NJ I will pray for each of you. Keep working on what you know you should and love your wife like you know you should; it's the right thing to do. A word of encouragement for you. This last week my wife has been diagnosed as having a hypoactive thyroid (and anemic, as well); which may explain quite a few things. One of them being a low libido and no energy. So, time will tell if the meds help.

Bryan
Bryan

@NJ You described my situation nearly perfectly. I've also started to work on the things I can change; my insecurities, the little voice in my head that says my wife doesn't love me, etc... It's helpful to focus on behaving as though my needs have already been met. If I allow myself to become the snarky, grumpy person who lurks beneath my skin, then I surrender to the enemy. And the enemy has no place in my marriage. One thing that helped me was to approach my wife and calmly, without assigning blame, explain how my needs weren't being met. I also asked that she read the Kevin Lehman book, '7 things he'll never tell you, but you need to know'. Reading that book helped her understand it's not just sex. We now make it a point to schedule physical intimacy. She's working to step outside her comfort zone. I'm stepping outside mine. For example, I text her with a "question of the day". It's something we use to spark conversation each night. It helps keep me expressing my feelings, something I don't care to do too often. I've made it a point to give her more back rubs (and to not finish by groping her). I'll keep praying that something inside her will 'click' one of these days. But if it never does, I'll still consider myself blessed beyond that which I deserve.

Bryan
Bryan

You may be correct; the more I think about our sex life, the more I can see that she hasn't a clue about what gets her excited (it's not the full body massage, she'll be too relaxed to want to do anything after I'm finished). One thing will feel good once or twice (I never try twice in a row, are you kidding? I've learned my lesson about that. I'll get my hand slapped...). And she is one of those rare women who can orgasm nearly every time we have intercourse - even without much foreplay. Thanks for the insight. There are times I think I'm the only man who has ever faced some of these situations. Thankfully, I am not.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Brayn - As odd as it may sound, she really may have no idea what she likes - or what she might like. It may be that she is beyond not liking to talk about it - she may not think about it either. As for not getting excited before intercourse, there are a couple of possibilities: For some few women that act is very exciting and enjoyable, and for those women foreplay is of little use, and maybe even a distraction. If your bride climaxes regularly during intercourse without significant foreplay, she may be such a woman. Other women don't allow themselves to feel arousal very well. She may get turned on by foreplay, but does not feel it. Then when intercourse starts and she allows herself to feel, she becomes aware of the arousal. If she only climaxes when there is good foreplay, this might be her. One way to help a woman get going if she resists foreplay is to find ways to giver her sexual touch that is not obvious foreplay. Kissing, hugging and snuggling during the day does this, and a back or full body massage is a great way to do this.

othree
othree

My wife would perceive this as not completely selfless as it comes across. The joke between us is that if she takes care of me the way I want, it is simply her serving me. But I will get just as much pleasure/satisfaction out of giving her what she wants and my "service" is not entirely selfless. We laugh often after a quickie that I was doing it "for her" and I'll tell her "you're welcome" when we all know, sure, she enjoyed it and climaxed, but I'm the one that truly needed it.

Bryan
Bryan

All well and good. But what do you do when you ask her and the only answer is, "um, I don't know. It's different every time." So I ask, "So then, what sometimes works?" Answer, "You know I don't like to talk about this stuff." ("this stuff" is sex, by the way) So, she doesn't want to talk about sex. And now she doesn't even want foreplay because, "I just don't get excited now until after we begin intercourse." I know she says she's trying, but there's a mental block somewhere. She won't discuss intimacy in any way. I'm frustrated because it's been like this for 20 year; our entire marriage. Sorry to vent; I just don't know what else to do any more.

IAAMM
IAAMM

Think I'll share this one with the hubby :)

Joel
Joel

Haha, this part made me laugh: "Actually, the talking is one of the points – this is a sneaky way to get her to talk about sex..." Paul is the man!

Gene
Gene

@Bryan @NJ Thank you fellas, I relate exactly. I too work on the insecurities does she love me, why does she not want me. I'm going to take your advice of Kevin Lehman's book, thank you. I find it very difficult to bring about a full understanding, it seems as though the discussion has already been formed in her mind before we really start. I love her so, Blessed to have one another. Prayers to help me follow His plan,

NJ
NJ

@ Bryan, You're not alone. I face similar situations with my wife. She's emabarrassed to talk about sex with me, and can't tell me what works because it changes each time. Mentally, she makes a sharp distinction between expressions of physical affection that are non-sexual and those that are sexual, so she will never get aroused by anything short of sexual touch. I can't start off gradually and work up to sexual touch as arousal builds. Personally, this makes me feel helpless because I feel like a lot of the "tools" I would use to build her arousal (e.g. hugging, kissing, massages) have been taken away, and what works can be different each time. I often worry that I won't be able to get her aroused because then I will feel like a failure in this very intimate area of my life. She says, "You almost always find a way to get me aroused, and when you don't its because sometimes I just can't get aroused, no matter what." This may not be true of other guys, but I'm discovering that for me, my frustrations with these things have shown me where I need to begin to confront my own insecurities, and I am just now beginning to do so.

Joseph
Joseph

I know the feeling all too well, my wife is very similar. My wife tells me the sex is great between us, but "her body won't let her want it" and she "wants to want it, but her body won't let her" for whatever reason. Wives talking to husbands about intimacy or what they really want is very difficult to begin with because as i have discovered in just 3 years of marriage, intimacy defined by a woman is nearely all the time different than intimacy defined by a man. My wife says that intimacy / romance to her are going for a walk, sitting together watching a movie, even going to bed in eachothers arms. For me Romance is that, but intimacy is making out or foreplay, the very steamy intimate kiss that rarely happens anymore for some reason. i know i'm not alone in this, and the wife and i are looking at several therepy things, and in our case, i truly believe it's because there's resentment for our pasts, mistakes made, as well as self confidence issues. Not sure if that helps but God Bless! and hope it gets better!

Heather
Heather

Gentlemen, send your wives over to www.tolovehonorandvacuum.com. Go through her 29 Days to Great Sex Challenge, and I guarantee there will be some improvement!

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