Her orgasm is not like your orgasm

December 3, 2011

in Sexuality, YOU4HER

Single firework and many fireworks © Arievdwolde | Dreamstime.com & © Paul H. Byerly

Male and female orgasms are not the same thing – not even close as best as we can tell. This matters to you because trying to get her to have the kind of orgasm you have, not to mention trying to get her there the way you get there, is a sure way to frustrate both of you and limit the amount of pleasure your bride can have. Here are some of the ways the two of you differ:

  • It’s easier for you to get there: It takes less to get you to climax than it takes her. Even in solo masturbation, women take two or three times as long as men. This, guys, is the only place where we have her beat.
  • Her climaxes can be much longer: We get five seconds, give or take – maybe ten in rare instances. Studies have found women average more like 20 seconds, with orgasms of a minute and more possible. So, she is enjoying it three to ten times as long as you do!
  • Her range is much wider: If orgasm intensity were measured on a 100-point scale, men would have a range of 15 to 30, while women range from 1 to 100. The one, two and three point orgasms are the ones where she says “I think I had one.” Those over 80 points are the ones where she says nothing intelligent for a good long while!
  • She has no point-of-no-return: We have a point at which orgasm will happen even if stimulation stops. Stopping then may result in a weak orgasm, but we do orgasm and ejaculate. For women there is no such point – stop stimulation a fraction of a second before she climaxes, and she won’t climax.
  • She has no refractory period: You can’t climax for a set time after you orgasm. You may stay or get erect again, but orgasm is not possible. She has no such limit. That does not mean she wants more, but it does mean it’s possible.
  • She is less sensitive after orgasm: Most of us find our penis hypersensitive after climax – some to the point that any stimulation is actually painful. Women have far less genital sensitivity after orgasm, although most have some and some will need a short break before stimulation starts again.
  • She benefits from stimulation through orgasm: Depending on sensitivity, men want stimulation lowered or stopped before their climax finishes – women are far less likely to need this, and continued stimulation during their orgasm will make it longer and stronger.

So what does all this mean? Does it mean we men drew the short stick on sexual pleasure? I look at it this way: with practice, and her participation, I can give her sexual pleasure the likes of which I can’t even imagine. Because of how much I love her, I want to do this; I want to blow her mind sexually. I suspect most of you would like to do the same. But how?

First, she must be a willing participant in your goal of giving her sex that leaves her unable to think or move. You can’t make it happen if she is not for it. In part, she needs to know it really is for her, not you trying to prove something. She also needs to know that if she says “enough” you will stop. Finally, she may need to deal with baggage that says enjoying sex “too much” is wrong, “slutty”, or sinful. Some women enjoy sex just fine until it gets better, then they put the brakes on and stop enjoying it altogether. Don’t try to take her body beyond what her mind is okay with – it will not end well.

Once she is on board, you can start to experiment. Odds are she does not know what she is capable of, or how to get there, so it will be a matter of trial and error. Below are a few ideas to get you started. For most of these, it is going to work better to learn during manual stimulation, and then take what you discover into other sex acts.

  • Slower build up: If you slow down, take twice as long to get her to climax, odds are she will have a better orgasm. You might want to warn her you are going to go slow so she does not feel frustrated that it’s taking longer than usual.
  • Stop and start: Get her very close, then stop, or slow way down. Let her arousal decline a bit, and then start again. This may be difficult for her, especially at first, so if she says it’s time to finish, finish her. In time you will learn to know when her saying “I need it now!” means to give her an orgasm, and when it means to keep teasing her. Not all women enjoy this, but those who do have fantastic orgasms from this technique.
  • False stop: As she climaxes, slow down, then pick it up again before she finishes. Sometimes this will kick a woman into a second orgasm before the first ends. Not every woman can do this, and those who can won’t do it every time. If she can, you should eventually learn to know when to go for it.
  • Keep going on slow: After she climaxes, slow down stimulation, but don’t stop completely. After a few minutes of very light stimulation, increase and see if she can orgasm again.
  • Multiple kinds of multiples: Some women can have two orgasms in one minute, or several in several minutes. Some have them so close together it’s hard to tell one from another. Other women will have five or ten minutes between orgasms. Some want or need a full break of a few minutes or more before they start in for another. Some women do more than one of these, at different times.
  • Multiples: A good way to do multiple orgasms is to give her one before intercourse, then another during or after.
  • Learn to read her body: Sexual arousal and tension show in the genitals (colour, swelling, firmness, lubrication) as well as other parts of the body. She may change the position of her legs, or make a thrusting motion with her pelvis at certain levels of arousal. Her hands and/or feet may give you signs. Breathing and vocalisation are also good indicators. For some women falling silent and still is an indication she is about to climax. With practice, you will learn to tell how aroused she is, and how well she will climax if you finish her at that point. You will also learn to tell what is possible that time – she can have multiples, she can take a lot of teasing, she needs if fast, whatever. This is unique to each woman, and some of the signs are so subtle you may pick them up without knowing what they are. The more you study her, the better you can pleasure her.

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21 comments
mysterya
mysterya

Hello @TheGenerousHusband 

I had a question... I enjoy every moment of sex with my SO, but it either takes me too long to orgasm, or I don't orgasm at all.

Sometimes it's because I get distracted easily or I get nervous thinking about other stuff.

But I don't think that's all. What else can it be?

Thanks for your help.

themarriagebed
themarriagebed moderator

@mysterya @TheGenerousHusband  The mind can be a big problem for women trying to reach orgasm. In order to climax your mind has to all but shut down. You will need to learn to focus on sex so you can shut out the distractions. It gets better with practice.

seohyun
seohyun

Is their any way to stop women's orgasm ??

Or it will be bad for my body if i stop??

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@seohyun Why would you want to stop?

Stopping stimulation will stop orgasm.

Getting seriously aroused (as in close to orgasm) and not having eventual release is bad for your body. Not as a one in a while thing, but if it happens regularly it can cause problems.

seohyun
seohyun

Thank you so much for helping me ...💗

seohyun
seohyun

But i want some personal questions ...i try to search but can't found ...can i message you private???

I can't ask here

MeganMcClure
MeganMcClure

Its true there are signals that we give. I always start to point my toes when I'm getting close to an orgasm.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@MeganMcClure I think everyone gives some indication, even if they are not aware of it. One more part of being a student of your spouse!

jcwg
jcwg

Interesting article, and I appreciate the effort to try and give more attention to women's sexual needs as well. However, I just wanted to say that the above list of orgasm differences doesn't hold true across the board. Speaking as a woman, after I orgasm, I'm extremely painfully sensitive and can't handle any further stimulation after that for a long while. I also do have a point of no return, where, if stimulation ceases, it results in a weak orgasm. I also don't have very long orgasms - probably around six seconds. I know many other women who these things are true for as well.

Like I said, the article is absolutely appreciated, but I think it should be recognized that this information definitely won't be true for all women.

sheilamarie
sheilamarie

@jcwg thanks for speaking up.  I'm like you too.  refractory period, painfully sensitive after orgasm, 5 or 6 second orgasm.  I also need stimulation to slow down at orgasm, like this article described for the men.  my orgasms are not very intense.  Sometimes when I read articles about how sex is "supposed to be" I get very depressed and suicidal.  It makes me feel a little better to see your comment.


It really bothers me when men complain about how women have it better. Some women do, but some have it bad.  Most men at least get some pleasure from the sex act.  I can't even maintain arousal during penetration.  This article cannot be generalized to all men, either.  My husband has much longer, more intense orgasms than I do.  He can even have multiples. 

taicraven
taicraven

"Odds are she does not know what she is capable of, or how to get there" Wow. The arrogance shown here lowered the tone of an otherwise fine article. Do not assume superior knowledge of a woman's body. She has owned it all her life.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Mark - Thanks for the reference, I will follow up on it. I know M&J got a lot wrong, but in this case what they say matches with what I've heard from women. May be it's different for different women, and maybe it's more of a learned/expected thing. As to men and non-ejaculatory orgasms I am aware of that and it is certainly well documented.

Mark
Mark

You mention that women don't have a orgasm point of no return. This is NOT correct. It is a myth from Masters & Johnson's studies. Paul Pearsall (Super Marital Sex, pg. 160) has found that indeed women do have orgasmic inevitability where a second or so before orgasm, her orgasm cannot be prevented even if all stimulation is stopped. I have found this in a dozen or so women as well. Bohlen et al. in The Female Orgasm: Pelvic Contractions in Archives of Sexual Behavior proved this in the lab. PS-Men can have what is called "ejaculatory inevitability" and still prevent ejaculation by just clamping down on their PC muscles. It can result in a dry orgasm, a stopped orgasm or a partial orgasm. (See book Any Man Can by Hartman and Fithian

Kate (One Flesh Marriage)
Kate (One Flesh Marriage)

Great post, Paul! Bringing understanding and light to the differences husbands and wives expereince is orgasm, is less talked of, but no less important. Will definitely be sharing this!

J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)

GREAT tips! I was pleased how spot on your male perspective is on female orgasms. This is a post I will definitely be sharing with the hubby (not to say he needs it ;), but it's great stuff here).

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