Want better (or more) sex in 2012?

January 7, 2012

in Guest Author, Her Needs, Links to good stuff, Series, Sexuality, YOU4HER

List of sex resolutions for 2012 © Alain Lacroix | Dreamstime.com

Would you like a change/improvement in your sex life over the next year? I suspect most of you would! Some of you want change a lot, and some of you don’t know if you can stand another year of what you have. Others are not particularly unhappy, but would like more or different or both.

There are a growing number of books and videos that promise to teach you how to drive a woman wild in bed. Some of them have some good content, some don’t, and some are downright scary (I’ve seen review copies of books and YouTube intros of several of these products). What is missing from every one I have seen is how you get your wife into bed already wanting sex. If she’s not desiring and wanting it for herself, no technique is going to cause her to have mind blowing sex, and no “sex secret” is going to have her suddenly wanting sex 24/7.

For years, one of the most requested articles on The Marriage Bed has been “How to Turn on a Sexually Indifferent Wife”. That article has not been done, even though How to Turn on a Sexually Indifferent Husband was completed years ago. The reason the husband article was easy is that men are very easy to turn on. Baring some significant mental, emotional or physical problem (or too much porn), giving a man an erection is straightforward and almost guaranteed. Once he has an erection, he will know he has it, he will likely admit to being aroused, and odds are he will be willing to have sex.

For women it’s far more complex. There is no sure-fire way to get a woman’s body aroused, and even if you manage it she 1) may not know she is aroused 2) may deny it if she knows she is and 3) may not want to have sex despite being aroused. Even if she’s open to sex, focusing on her body may not be the place to start.

I think an article that really tells men how to get their wife to want sex would have few references to sex acts or sexual parts of the body. It would not teach men what to do in bed, but rather what to do out of bed, and what non-sexual things they need to do in bed. Getting a woman to want sex is about her relationship with her husband – not her sexual relationship, her overall relationship. She needs to feel complete trust for her husband. She needs to know she is loved, respected, and cherished. She needs the relationship to be free of major conflict, including in the areas of finances and children. If her relationship is not solid, she won’t want sex, even if her body is “horny”. She may have sex out of love or duty, but she won’t really enjoy it. She may even climax, and still would rather not have done it. For most women, wanting and enjoying sex can only happen when the relationship is within certain parameters. (There are women for whom this is not true; a small percentage of women are more like men in this regard. As best as anyone can tell it’s not something that can be learned or unlearned – a woman is one or the other.)

Over the next months, I will do a number of Saturday posts with the subtitle “Better Sex in 2012”. To get it right, I have reached out to some lady bloggers I respect to get their help trying to quantify what a woman needs in her relationship to want to be sexual with her husband. The following fine ladies will help me with posts I write, add their thoughts, and write some guest posts:

Julie of http://intimacyinmarriage.com
Sheila of http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com
Kate of http://www.onefleshmarriage.com
“J” of http://hotholyhumorous.blogspot.com
Lori of http://www.the-generous-wife.com

I think wanting a better sex life in 2012 is a great goal. I hope every man here accomplishes that, and does so way beyond their wildest dreams. In part, I say this because I am all for great sex lives. I also say this because I understand that you can only make this happen by giving your bride the relationship her heart desires and her emotions need. If you end the year with a better sex life, your bride will end the year far happier and more secure in her marriage. It’s a win/win.

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5 comments
Philip
Philip

@Over it - It is nice to know that I am not the only bitter husband out there who feels like he does all the right things only to be met with sex about three times a month. I don't know about you but my wife-to-be didn't have any trouble getting physical when she was my girlfriend. I am Christian so I will never leave my wife. I am not condoning it but I certainly can understand why men cheat and get divorced. If I didn't have the moral base I do I probably would have left my wife for this one reason within 3 years of getting married. I am going to follow this Generous Husband series but up until now I have not had one conversation with my wife about sex that didn't end with her saying I am a great husband and she would be better about sex... to no avail. Here's to hoping!

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Over it - Yes most of what is here is what men can do to change their marriage. The reason for this is not that I think men are the only one's who are at fault, but rather because my audience here is mostly male. My @marriagebed twitter stream on the other hand takes shots at both men and women, because my audience there is more mixed. Your wife has told you where she is lacking - now she needs to find a way to change that. She may think no woman knows how to be romantic, but this is not the case. She can start with my bride's blog, and look for links to other resources that she posts almost daily.

Over it
Over it

Frankly, I am sick and tired of all the articles which squarely place all responsibility and blame for relationships and failures on men. In my case, after 35 years, I have come to realize women are big talkers and thinkers and certainly are clueless on BEING and ACTING romantic. Love and romance are not nouns. They are verbs, action words and the only action I see carried out is she waiting around waiting to see what I will do next. Not long ago, after attending retreats, seminars, "90 day promise lectures", counseling and whatever other fad comes down the road, she finally admitted, in tears, she does not know how to be romantic, and, she thinks, no woman really does. I am physically fit, and am considered intelligent, charming, and good looking. I am well employed and well paid. Yet, women learned the garbage their mothers taught them all to well. My back hurts from sweeping her off her feet day after day. I was very good at it too. Every woman I ever dated said so. But not one could be a leader of romance, only a follower.

Ed
Ed

This is a great adventure to be on. All true what you have said. It's not about the act itself it has to do with intimacy the way God created it in every area of marriage. Men lets really learn how to love and cherish our wives the way they need to be.

Gina Parris
Gina Parris

Yes! This will DEFINITELY be a helpful set of blog posts. You're right that it won't be all about what the man does IN bed, but I think how a wife feels about her mate is only 1/5 of her sexual response. I'll look forward to reading what all my pals have to say! ;)

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