Double standards in a queen size bed – Better Sex in 2012

January 21, 2012

in Better Sex in 2012, Series, Sexuality, Understanding Her

He's enjoying, she's not. © Coliap | Dreamstime.com

I can’t do a series on double standards and ignore the bedroom! However, this is a tough one; the golden rule often does not work in the area of sex. What you most want may not be anything like what she wants, and giving you what she wants probably would not thrill you. How do you set a standard when sex is so different for any two people, and very different for men and women?

How about this: Sex should be enjoyable and deeply satisfying for both of you. Yes, that’s a pretty high standard, but I am convinced it is both right and obtainable.

The first trick is to understand that you may not define enjoyable and satisfying the same way she does. In general, men are more about the physical side of sex, while women are more about the emotional and relational aspects. To be fully satisfied, you both need all of it, but as you grow into a great sex life you will probably initially be more focused on the physical pleasure than she will. We’ve had plenty of women tell us they sometimes find non-orgasmic sex to be very enjoyable and satisfying, but it’s rare to hear a man say the same. So, find out what she wants to get out of sex. If she says she wants more orgasms, then work at that, but if she talks about more cuddling after or looking into each other’s eyes while you make love, then accept that this is what she is after right now. Work at what she says she wants, and keep checking with her. As you become accomplished in one area, she will want more in other areas. You can in a similar way share with her what you want her to work on.

Another very important issue is for neither of you to get too far ahead. If you are loving sex, and she is not enjoying it at all, the imbalance is going to become a problem. The solution to this is to put much more effort into working on what is important to the one who is not enjoying as much or not feeling as satisfied. This means being willing to hold off on what you want to add if you are enjoying sex more right now. If it’s okay for you, and not good for her, don’t tell her about the new position you want to try, or how much you want oral. It’s not that what you want is wrong, but rather that you need to sacrifice for the sake of your joint sex life. Don’t get so far ahead of her that she feels sex is just for you and she will never enjoy it. Back off a bit, focus on her, and give her time to develop a desire for and ability to enjoy sex. Trust me; what you can have in the future is worth the wait!

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5 comments
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)

My chick perspective here on female orgasm: Pursuing the climax itself isn't as effective as simply pursuing closeness and pleasure. The closeness allows her to relax and be open to the experience, and climax is the natural result of pleasure becoming so intense. Focusing on that "enjoyable and deeply satisfying" may indeed bring her to the peak! Great stuff, Paul. I love thinking that husbands are reading your posts and learning more about improving their marital (and sex) lives with their wives.

Ric Cage
Ric Cage

... you need to sacrifice for the sake of your joint sex life. How about just pleasuring her manually or orally to make her orgasm without penetration so you won't be disturbed by your own needs/desires?

Love Letters
Love Letters

This is how a man should talk to other men about sex. Truly great advice. It's so easy to get wrapped up in your own personal desire for sex that you can miss that your bride is completely missing out in her desire to please you. Guys, take a step back and ask yourselves what your wife wants out of your sex life and if she is getting it. If you can't answer either question, you need to reboot and get an answer to question #1 so you can start working on being an answer to question #2.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@J - Thanks - I hear that enough that I believe it, but it's still not something I can understand or relate to.

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