Do men really want more sex than women? – Better Sex in 2012

February 11, 2012

in Better Sex in 2012, Hope, Links to good stuff, Sexuality, Understanding Her

When I was about to be married, an older gentleman at my work place said something about sex in marriage. He indicated no man could keep up with a women who enjoyed sex. Most of my co-workers had on occasion expressed they did not get enough, so he got the expected arguments – which he dismissed with a smile.

Woman with sign asking for more sex © Viorel Sima | Dreamstime.com

Of course, we all know men want more sex than women, right? We know a woman who really likes and wants sex is so rare as to be a freak of nature, right? I say no, this is not right. There are more women who really want and enjoy sex than we think. Beyond this, I think these women are supposed to be the norm. I don’t think God designed the system to produce the level of frustration that occurs in many marriages. I think God designed women to want sex as much, or more than, men, and to enjoy it far more than any man ever could!

Indeed, this was the understanding of the Jews of old, and I have to assume it was based on experience. While a Jewish woman was not allowed to divorce her husband, the civil law did allow her to ask the courts to force her husband to give her a divorce for one and only one reason; if he failed to provide her with regular sex. Additionally, there was a rabbinical list of how often a man was to have sex with his wife, depending mostly on his job. In short, if a man had a non-physically demanding job and was home every day, he was expected to have sex with his wife every day she was not unclean. That would be daily for several weeks each month! Finally, God said if a man took a salve for wife, and then took a free wife, the man was not allowed to decrease the amount of food, clothing, or sex he gave the first wife. (Exodus 21:10) It seems God thinks women want plenty of sex!

Why then is the norm in our society men always chasing after their wives for sex the wives don’t want to have? I think it is because we live in a sinful, fallen world. It is also because God did not give women the same kind of sex drive He gave men. For men sex drive includes a strong physical component. A few women have a strong physical drive, but most not so much, and not all the time like for men. When a woman desires a lot of sex, her drive is usually more emotional, mental, and relational. When a woman is free of sexual pain from the past, not exhausted or worried, and has a good solid loving marriage, she will want every bit of sex her husband can provide.

I realise this may sound impossible to you if you fight to have sex a few times a month, but it should give you some hope. I am convinced God designed her to want sex, and lots of it. Beyond theory, we’ve talked to enough women and couples who are living it to know it does exist. We have also talked to couples who have moved into this after the woman was 40 or even 50 years old. I’m sure there is an age at which this change become unlikely, but it’s older than you might think.

How do you get from here to there? Start by believing it is possible, and it is what God wants. Beyond that, there are two sets of problems that may be keeping your bride from being the sexually hungry woman she should be.

The first set of problems is things she brought into the marriage – fears, wrong ideas, uptight religious feelings about sex, negative body image, thinking her sex organs are gross, the effects of molestation, rape, and consensual sex before marriage, and so on. To be honest, there is not a great deal you can do about these things other than not make them worse and encourage your lady to work on them. The current 29 days to great sex series over at To Love, Honor and Vacuum is covering these issues, and would be a great resource for your wife.

The second set of problems are those you helped create. This includes whatever sex you had with her before marriage, any sexual selfishness, porn use, or adultery, but it goes way beyond the sexual. If her sex drive is based on emotions and her relationship with you, then anything that harms or limits her feelings towards you is also reducing her desire to be sexual with you. For some women it is not that simple, but for an great many it really is. If you want her to want sex, you will have to give her all those non-sexual things she must have first. The good news is you do have power over these things!

 

14 comments
Mom4Jesus
Mom4Jesus

Hi, I pray every day that the Good Lord will help me please my husband. He is a bear lately. I want sex all the time and my desire has not lessened with age - we are in our 40's. Hubby would be happy with once a month. He told me to stop pestering him, not to mention it, and not to bother him. He hasn't kissed me regularly in 3 years. I am broken hearted and lonely. Please help me Jesus

Kshubby
Kshubby

Mr. Rogers. Get her the Good Girls Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Gregorie (sp?). My bride is reading it and mentions different things from the book like "sex is a mans biggest physical need" and tells me that apparently I am a "normal" man with my sex drive. Maybe hearing it from a christian sister will help. Praying for you and your marriage.

landschooner
landschooner

Mr Rogers. I hear you brother. My wife basically has no detectable libido either. I tell you though, while things are not great, the ONLY thing that helped my marriage was pressure. Do push. Lovingly, but push. Sex in marriage isn't optional. And you will be unsuccessful turning off. It won't work. I tried the soft wooing, encouraging way for 17 years. It didn't work. She didn't hear it. After 17 years, I started really pushing and being blunt. It was hard and we had LOTS of arguments over it and ups and down etc, but its much better now three and a half years later. Do I have an awakened libidinous wife who jumps me unexpectedly when I walk in the door? No. I don't think her libido has changed one bit. But she seems to know that sex is important to me in our marriage, and she "seems" to be comfortable with it being included in our weekly routine. Yes, I said routine. Do I want sex to be routine? well, that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but to my wife, EVERYTHING is routine or it doesn't get done. EVERYTHING. So for 17 years, sex almost never made her list. Now its on the list twice a week more or less. And it even seems that, since she knows we will be having sex, its not an "interruption" of her plans anymore so its not a problem. Sometimes she actually seems to look forward to having sex. (She has always enjoyed sex in the moment. But this would never translate into anticipation for more. There just doesnt seem to be any sex drive in her to prompt that. And if she didnt need it, it didnt occur to her that I needed that - despite my telling her so many times over the years.) Anyway, you guys need to be having sex. Regularly. She is your wife and she needs ot be having sex with her husband. I hear that you don't want to push. I get that. So Jesus never pushes you? Take care brother. I'm sorry for what you've gone through. For me its been the biggest frustration of my life, so much that I didn't want to be married anymore. Just saying that to let you know that I, and many others, understand that its extremely difficult. Doubly hard that the one you love the most doesnt, or even can't see that. Can't even comprehend your pain. I love the color blind analogy that you gave. I believe still that my wife doesnt "get it" She never will.But she seems to have accepted that its needed in our marriage.(I once heard a Dennis Prager talk show segment on Male/Female relationships, where a woman called in who had to take some Testosterone treatments temporarily for some malady. She said her Sex drive spiked and she finally understood how her husband felt. That she thought about sex all the time and she was frustrated when he was gone and that she cared less about how the kids were doing etc. She just wanted her husband sexually...." I was like "YES! that's IT!! If I could open my wife's eyes just once. Just once... Again, take care bro. LS

Mr. Rogers
Mr. Rogers

Thank you for the encouraging post--sort of. I do read that this is possible, and does in fact happen. But I can't imagine it in our case. My wife is just NOT a physical person. It's like describing color to someone who's completely color blind-- or a symphony to somebody completely deaf, or trying to have a conversation in Latin with the typical American. I spent the first 14 of our 15 years trying and trying, communicating, explaining. She seems to comprehend the importance to me, on a certain cognitive level, but she's just cold. I have now spent most of the last year just resigned. She's not changing. It's like a death in the family. In fact, seeing Courageous has helped tremendously. Hearing the pastor counsel the man who'd lost his daughter say to him, "You can either be angry and bitter about the time you don't get with your daughter, or thankful for the time that you did have" (or something like that) was very helpful to me--and applicable. I can be a bitter husband, or I can get on with it. So now, I just pretend that that part of me has died and there's nothing I can do about it. I do still pray about it. I try to have hope, but there's certainly no guarantee that she'll ever "come around". So, what's one to do? Get on with it. I'll not initiate, I'll not push, I'll not plead, etc. I don't want to be guilty of making her feel "pressured". I imagine that, if she even notices this change in my behavior, she may chalk it up to the fact that I don't care for my job much (which is true). That, however, certainly doesn't (or, hasn't yet) diminished my desire for her. But the desire needs to be killed off, or so it seems. Perhaps this is the "dying to self" that Christians must go through. That self-death is expected of us all--but in individual ways. Perhaps this is mine--or one of mine. Sorry for the venting. I'm still wrestling with all of this.

Kshubby
Kshubby

Paul, I am one of the blessed husbands. This is us as we are moving thru our 50's K's appetite has grown to match mine. I shared this post with her and she agreed it has increased. We are currently doing the one flesh 10 day chanllenge and she is really enjoying it and anticipating it every night. I encourage folks to check out the 10 day challenge and start it when the can - don't wait until next year!

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

Amy - It all depends on the why, and discovering that can be a challenge. It could be hormones, fears, thinking sex is dirty, porn, masturbation, stress, resentment, trying to manipulate, and so on. Some guys are just so focused on other things they are not as aware of their sex drive as they should be. Check out this article.

Amy
Amy

Thank you for this post. However, as a wife who wants it more (much more) than her husband, what do you suggest?? I know this site is primarily for men, but as a woman, I often feel rejected and unwanted by my husband. I consider myself a (relatively) attractive, kind woman, and I certainly don't lounge around in sweats all day or berate my husband. I try to be a good wife, but this is frustrating and dejecting. :(

Sexy Christian Wife
Sexy Christian Wife

I always thought that verse had to do with giving her children, I'd never even considered the sexual side. God is so good!

dan
dan

I agree. Ive been married six years and my wife has yet to have an orgasm. Yet she wants sex more more often than i do. Sometimes its annoying but in a good way :)

Ric Cage
Ric Cage

This is why I now believe that the husband should give her wife the control of the couple's sexuality.

Dave2
Dave2

It sounds like you need to sit down and have a talk with him if you haven't tried it yet. The article may give you a hint or clue as to his problem, but you will only find out for sure by asking. He may not even know why himself. If he does know, he may not be truthful either. Most women can sense when their husbands are lying. When you feel he is lying in his response to a question, you may have found a starting point. Porn accompanied by masturbation can deplete a man's sexual desire temporarily. Once he has had an orgasm, sexual tension is released and the pressure to have sexual contact is satiated for a time. If your desire is falling in the wrong place of his masturbatory cycle, the two desire will be out of sync. That is not our fault. It is his for pleasuring himself at the expense of your sexual relationship. That is only one potential cause but you can easily see why he would lie about it. You can also see that just reading about potential problems will not rectify the issue. It will require honest communication between the two of you. If he has a shame issue linked to his problem, getting to an answer may require a lot of time and trust. Porn, masturbation and affairs are things most men will not readily admit to of obvious reasons. Until they deal with whatever issue though, the problem will continue. Engage him in conversation in such a way as to not sound like you are judging his behavior. Let him feel he can be honest and trust you to be the same with him. He may tell you something that tests your judgement and trust, but you want to know so be ready to deal with whatever truth he tells you. If it's an affair, go here, http://sexychristianwife.wordpress.com/ for some wise counsel.

Erin
Erin

Hi Amy-- I feel as if I am in the same situation...and wondered why it was your name on that post and not mine. This sounds like one of those heart to heart things you are going to have to have with your husband. Kind of uncomfortable, but worth it. I just had one with mine. All I can say is, enter into it with lots of pre-chat prayer prep. I am not a mind reader, though I consider myself a freaking awesome wife otherwise. And I need my hubby tell me really bluntly why he feels a certain way and what the cause is. When he realizes how it makes me feel to be turned down or not offered something as important as sex is to me, it breaks his heart. Better to have it out and get to the root of it instead of letting it fester. (BTW, I always suggest that serious heart to hearts be done in no more clothing than your undies...even for the sexually frustrated wife). I gave my hubby a bath/soak and a mani/ pedi while we had our last chat. Went pretty well. Still no regular sex, but the communication is slowly getting better. I also started reading The Love Dare...by myself. It's interesting, if you are willing. It takes me about a week per "day" to focus on some of the digging deeper love dares, but I think it's worth it...and it can't hurt you or your marriage in any way--only strengthen you and your ability to connect with your hubby. You have my prayers, most definitely. Thanks for being bold enough to post!

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

SCW - While I have no doubt that is part of it, I don't think it covers it. Along similar lines, I am told by those who study it that Deuteronomy 24:5 has a sexual connotation to it.

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