When I was about to be married, an older gentleman at my work place said something about sex in marriage. He indicated no man could keep up with a women who enjoyed sex. Most of my co-workers had on occasion expressed they did not get enough, so he got the expected arguments – which he dismissed with a smile.
Of course, we all know men want more sex than women, right? We know a woman who really likes and wants sex is so rare as to be a freak of nature, right? I say no, this is not right. There are more women who really want and enjoy sex than we think. Beyond this, I think these women are supposed to be the norm. I don’t think God designed the system to produce the level of frustration that occurs in many marriages. I think God designed women to want sex as much, or more than, men, and to enjoy it far more than any man ever could!
Indeed, this was the understanding of the Jews of old, and I have to assume it was based on experience. While a Jewish woman was not allowed to divorce her husband, the civil law did allow her to ask the courts to force her husband to give her a divorce for one and only one reason; if he failed to provide her with regular sex. Additionally, there was a rabbinical list of how often a man was to have sex with his wife, depending mostly on his job. In short, if a man had a non-physically demanding job and was home every day, he was expected to have sex with his wife every day she was not unclean. That would be daily for several weeks each month! Finally, God said if a man took a salve for wife, and then took a free wife, the man was not allowed to decrease the amount of food, clothing, or sex he gave the first wife. (Exodus 21:10) It seems God thinks women want plenty of sex!
Why then is the norm in our society men always chasing after their wives for sex the wives don’t want to have? I think it is because we live in a sinful, fallen world. It is also because God did not give women the same kind of sex drive He gave men. For men sex drive includes a strong physical component. A few women have a strong physical drive, but most not so much, and not all the time like for men. When a woman desires a lot of sex, her drive is usually more emotional, mental, and relational. When a woman is free of sexual pain from the past, not exhausted or worried, and has a good solid loving marriage, she will want every bit of sex her husband can provide.
I realise this may sound impossible to you if you fight to have sex a few times a month, but it should give you some hope. I am convinced God designed her to want sex, and lots of it. Beyond theory, we’ve talked to enough women and couples who are living it to know it does exist. We have also talked to couples who have moved into this after the woman was 40 or even 50 years old. I’m sure there is an age at which this change become unlikely, but it’s older than you might think.
How do you get from here to there? Start by believing it is possible, and it is what God wants. Beyond that, there are two sets of problems that may be keeping your bride from being the sexually hungry woman she should be.
The first set of problems is things she brought into the marriage – fears, wrong ideas, uptight religious feelings about sex, negative body image, thinking her sex organs are gross, the effects of molestation, rape, and consensual sex before marriage, and so on. To be honest, there is not a great deal you can do about these things other than not make them worse and encourage your lady to work on them. The current 29 days to great sex series over at To Love, Honor and Vacuum is covering these issues, and would be a great resource for your wife.
The second set of problems are those you helped create. This includes whatever sex you had with her before marriage, any sexual selfishness, porn use, or adultery, but it goes way beyond the sexual. If her sex drive is based on emotions and her relationship with you, then anything that harms or limits her feelings towards you is also reducing her desire to be sexual with you. For some women it is not that simple, but for an great many it really is. If you want her to want sex, you will have to give her all those non-sexual things she must have first. The good news is you do have power over these things!