This is a guest post from a woman known to the world as “J”
Here’s a statement that continues to astound me: Men can think about nothing.
As a woman, the concept of my mind being empty is as alien as me growing horns or taking over the world. Ain’t gonna happen.
But, as we know, the brain is a very important sex organ. For most wives, the ability to engage fully in sex is dependent on her ability to X each of those other pop-up windows that compete for her attention. Some women have trained themselves to do this fairly easily, and for other women it’s like trying to ignore schizophrenic voices – it’s hard.
Anything a husband can do to remove one or more of his wife’s concerns or to-do’s will help her turn off the other channels and focus solely on the Love & Sex Channel. Here’s a list of possibilities. What will help your wife most is personal.
Do the dishes, fold the laundry, vacuum the living room, etc. Whatever the outstanding chore is, surprise her by getting there first. That will leave you two more time to be together, as well as showing your appreciation for her.
Offer to the put the kids to bed . . . and make sure they stay there. This could give your wife time to recharge her battery for time with you, and most wives find good fathering to be a very attractive characteristic. As for the “stay there” admonition, remember that putting young children to bed can be like playing a whack-a-mole game: Just when you think they’re down, they’re back up.
Straighten up the bedroom so your love nest isn’t filled with “Oh yeah, I have to ________ [do laundry] [pay bills] [make a Halloween costume from fabric scraps]” reminders. It can just be a place to relax and enjoy one another.
Take care of the birth control yourself. Maybe it’s just this once, but it’s one less thing for her to think about.
Let her have ten minutes or so to tell you about her day. Of course, this shouldn’t go on forever or be a complaint-fest with you as the punching bag. However, women can store a lot of pent-up stress or positive energy from the goings-on of the day, and verbalizing them can be like poking a hole in the balloon. Once deflated, she can move on to other things . . . like you.
Give her a back or body massage. It’s awfully hard for a woman to concentrate on lovemaking when she has a crick in her shoulder from holding your five-month infant for two hours or soreness in her legs from doing step aerobics with the George Patton of exercise leading the class. Or maybe she is simply tense from juggling all of those proverbial plates. But grab a little lotion or massage oil and work it into her skin and muscles to help her refocus on the positive sensations of her body.
Tell Her She’s Beautiful. Unfortunately, plenty of women have stray messages of self-doubt running through their brains. If a woman doesn’t feel good about herself and her body, she can spend moments in bed wondering if her appearance really pleases you. Thoughts about her physical shortcomings or feelings of unsexiness can crowd her mind, making it almost impossible to enjoy the experience and let you enjoy her body. Reassure your wife that she is gorgeous to you. Mention specifics. The Song of Songs has wonderful passages with the lovers detailing by body part what they love about each other. It’s a great model to follow. The more confident a wife feels that she is beautiful, the more she can shut off those “not pretty enough” voices.
We gals aren’t trying to be complicated. In fact, one of the things I love about having an orgasm is that in that one climactic moment, my brain is focused like a laser beam on the sensation and it is the only thought I have. It’s like nirvana to be so mentally free!
The brain traffic is simply how God made us. The ability to juggle so many thoughts makes most women good multi-taskers and helps us to manage the roles we have. But it can be a drawback when we need to focus on our mate in the bedroom. Help a wife out. Make it easier for her when you can.
J is a Christian, a wife, a mom, a writer, and a work in progress. She blogs anonymously at Hot, Holy & Humorous, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.