A study from condom maker Durex found 14% of those in the US think sex lasts too long and 37% think it does not last long enough. (No word on how many in category A are with those in category B.) As there was no indication of how long sex lasted for these folks, we don’t know if they disagree about the perfect duration of sex, but other studies have shown a wide difference in how long people think sex should last. Differences also show up in how much foreplay is best, what kind of foreplay is desired, what positions are most enjoyed, the best time of day to have sex, and on and on and on.
The point here is no two people are the same sexually – we are all unique. There is no sure-fire way to get a woman turned on, because what works for some will be gross, boring, uncomfortable, or just useless for others. There are no special foreplay tricks to turn any women into a lusty tigress, no position that drives any woman crazy, and no sure-fire way to give any woman orgasm after orgasm till she begs you to stop. (There are e-books and paid websites promising all those things and more.)
What’s more, our desires and pleasures change over time. What she wants and enjoys now is different from what she wanted and enjoyed in the past. In addition to some things no longer being desired, odds are she is now open to, or really wants, something she was uninterested in years ago.
Bottom line: If you want to please her sexually, you have to communicate about sex on a regular basis. Having said that, I can already see the comments saying, “I wish she would talk about sex!” So, some ideas to help you discuss this with her:
- Start by telling her why you are asking: Make it clear you are not complaining about sex, but rather you want to know what she wants. Let her know to know her better sexually.
- Figure out when is best to discuss sex: For some women this might be when sex is not an option – like while driving together. For other women shortly after sex will be best. Before love making will work for a few, but not most. During can also work, if you do it right.
- Watch your word use: If you use words she dislikes she will react to the words rather than your question.
- Make it easy for her to answer: It’s like a test – essay answers are difficult, while true false (yes/no) and multiple choice are much easier.
- Don’t try to steer her. This is not about getting her to do what you want, it’s about finding out what she wants. Things like leading questions and making your preference known will get in the way of hearing her thoughts and feelings.
- Don’t be too eager to try what she suggests: Voicing something and doing it are two different things. If she is clear she’s eager to try something, go for it. However, if she says “I might like to try” she is telling you she is unsure. She may be looking to see how you react, or she may need to voice it so she can think about it more.
- Don’t ask too much at once: She may be fine answering a few questions at a time, but is not up for a lengthy interrogation.
- Realise she really may not know: She may not think about sex much, or may not think past certain boundaries. Asking her questions may help her to think about it more, so asking her a question again a few weeks later may work well.
- Think of the hotter, colder game: You may have to slowly zero in on the facts, either because she is not comfortable saying much, or because she is unsure what she wants.
- Don’t hold her to anything: Thinking she might enjoy something, or is willing to try something, does not mean she will enjoy it. Give her room to try things and set down those she does not enjoy. This will make it feel safe to try other things. Additionally, she may set something down and then come back to it months or years later.