Why wives say no to sex, and what a man can do about it.

June 23, 2012

in Better Sex in 2012, Sexuality

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Last week we ran a facebook poll asking why women (and men) say no to sex. So far we’ve had 171 women answer (some only after my bride assured them it was anonymous!).

As with any web based survey I can’t claim the results are representative of the population as a whole, but I can tell you they fall in line with what we and others hear over and over from women. This won’t apply to all women, but if your bride hasn’t suffered significant sexual abuse, is not inherently against sex, and isn’t just plain selfish, there’s a good chance this speaks for her fairly well. I’ve put the full responses, plus comments, at the end, after my thoughts.

  • Too tired: Two-thirds of the women said they say no because they are too tired, and half said they say no because it’s late or they have to get up early. I know tired sounds like an excuse to men, but please realise sex takes more energy for women, especially if they want to climax. We can have a quickie, climax, roll over and be asleep all in ten minutes, but this just leaves a woman horny, frustrated, and unable to get to sleep. If she’s tired to start with, climax is going to be difficult at best, and maybe just not worth the effort. (Note 16% said they say no because “It would take way too much time and effort to climax.”) So, if you want more sex, your number one job is to find a way for your bride to get more rest and better sleep. Nothing else will have as much of an effect, and for most women nothing else can have an effect until the exhaustion issue is resolved.
  • Not connected: The next biggie, at 44%, was not having connected emotionally. Women need to be connected on a heart level to want and enjoy connecting physically. They can have sex without emotional connection, but they won’t want it, and probably won’t enjoy it. (BTW, an orgasm does not mean she enjoyed it – really). So, if you want more sex, your number two job is building your relationship. This doesn’t mean being lovey-dovey an hour before you ask for sex! Work on the relationship 24/7 and she’ll be more open to sex in general.
  • Stress!: Thirty percent of women say no due to stress. Some women manage to get to the place where sex is a stress reliever, but this is not the norm. For most women stress kills both their sex drive and their ability to respond sexually. So, if you want more sex, your number three job is to be aware of your bride’s stress level and find ways to help her. This is neither an easy nor quick task, but you can do things to help her with stress.
  • He’s rude!: More than a quarter of women have said no because of recent rudeness on the part of their husband. So, if you want more sex, your number four job is to stop being rude. Again, this doesn’t mean just the hours leading up to bedtime; it means trying to never be rude, and admitting it and apologising when you are rude.
  • OUCH! One woman in five said they have said no because of physical pain. (This was the most surprising result to me, I’d have expected about half that rate.) There’s no breakdown of the pain, although several women indicated period related pain in the comments. Husband being too rough was 3.5%, so most of this pain is something else. Learn to know when she’s in pain, and find ways to help her reduce pain. You might also be able to have sex if you are willing to do something other than intercourse. Orgasm is a great pain-killer, and if she learns you can give her an orgasm without hurting her she may have a new motivation to say yes!
  • Wrong message: A little more than one woman in six says no because things are not okay in the relationship and she knows her husband takes sex as proof everything is okay. This does NOT mean she’s saying no because of the problems, but because she doesn’t want to wrongly communicate the problems are resolved or are no big deal. If you will learn sex is not an indication everything is fine, and if you can communicate that understanding to her, she may well be more open to sex. She may be willing to set the problems aside and enjoy sex with you if she knows you’ll still be willing to deal with the problems later.
  • I hate how I look!: Also at about one women in six are women so distressed by how they look they say no to sex. And, for each woman who says no, there are a several more who say yes but struggle to enjoy because they feel self-conscious. This is a huge issue, and one you need to work on steadily if you want to help her feel better about her body.
  • It’s all he wants: While “I feel it’s all he wants me for” was fairly low, at 15%, it still means plenty of women feel this way. They may or may not be right, but it’s killing the couple’s sex life.
  • Ready fire aim: A lack of foreplay was a reason for refusing for one woman in eight. However, I suspect even more would say they don’t enjoy sex much due to a lack of foreplay. It’s nice this was fairly low, and it’s an easy thing to fix.
  • All the rest: The remaining ten answers were chosen by fewer than 10% of those answering.

WOMEN: Why do you say no to sex?

Too tried 66.7%
It’s late and/or getting up early in the morning 49.1%
We have not connected emotionally 44.4%
Stressed 29.8%
He’s been rude to me recently 29.2%
Physical pain 19.9%
He thinks it means everything is okay, and it’s not 17.5%
It would take way to much time and effort to climax 16.4%
I don’t like how I look 16.4%
I feel it’s all he wants me for 15.2%
There is never enough foreplay 12.3%
I’ve rarely or never climax 8.8%
Not enough privacy 8.8%
He does not turn me on 7.6%
He does not take care of me; when he’s done, he thinks it’s over 7.6%
He smells bad 7.0%
If I do, he “wins” 5.8%
He’s too rough 3.5%
He always wants to do things I don’t like 2.9%
I think sex is wrong or gross 1.8%
I just don’t love him anymore 1.2%

Comments from the women:

  • I never say no. I have even told my husband that i’m up for it anytime he wants it. ;)
  • usually it’s just that one of us is not comfortable, physically, mentally, or just with the environment.
  • He lies to me. I can’t trust him.
  • Sometimes I just feel gross, like I’m not clean enough or whatnot.
  • “that” time of the month
  • young children :)
  • When I’m not feeling healthy
  • He has said no to me so many times, that I can barely be in the mood!
  • I don’t say no…..
  • I don’t say no but he usually doesn’t ask
  • If the marriage has no mental, emotional, spiritual connection. How can I respond sexually.
  • It doesn’t feel as good as it used to or hurts too much.
  • I have several chronic conditions that come with some complications that make sex uncomfortable.
  • Sex can be pleasurable, but I never (or rarely) have a desire for it. It’s just too much effort and not something I really crave.
  • He’s the one who says no.
  • He had prostrate cancer We rarely have it.
  • If I’m sick
  • The only time I will say no to sex is if I’m throwing up or menstruating. Otherwise, he’s the one that’s usually saying no.
  • He doesn’t seem interested.
  • pregnant/sick
  • He does not ask Porn issues and Masturbation
  • vertigo when I lay down causes nausea and panic, so I have to start the night semi sitting, my husband can tell I’m nauseated and feels bad about bringing it up.
  • Not enough time to relax, or anticipate previous to starting
  • We don’t have time. Otherwise, we don’t say “no”
  • he only wants to do it in the morning, i am still half asleep
  • he appears soooo needy
  • Makes me feel vulnerable
  • Menstrual cycle
  • bitter from doing everything (housework, bills, lawn care…) with zero help from him

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175 comments
Theunlovedhusband
Theunlovedhusband

Married for 11 years, have two kids, boy5 and girl10. Our marriage has had its ups and down thru the years but it's almost like they have been band aided until

recently. I know she has said to me that it's all I care about, but that is far from the truth. I love her as a wife, a mother and everything else she does for our family. She is a business owner and I work at a power company. I admit that I haven't been the most helpful around the house as far as cleaning or cooking and such, but I have changed in that area I feel like, I have been trying to help a lot more than ever with cleaning and such. My wife attends a gym 4 or 5 days out of the week, I have tried that and it comes down to me just not really having an interest or time in going. I feel like I come in last place towards everything else that goes on in her day to day things. In the last probably year I have been told that I'm not in love with you anymore, i don't enjoy the time when we are together, and last night I was kind of hoping to have sex because it had been about a week since the last time, and she comes into bed and is asleep in no time. So I get up mad mumbling and it turns into a bickering match with her finally saying because I don't want to have sex with you. I do take advantage of the Internet and take care of my myself because of the denial from her. I almost feel like she holds this back from me in efforts to make me be unfaithful to her and it would give her a reason to file for divorce, are these just regular thoughts that go thru a mans head when things such as this are going on? I don't want to be a single dad but I don't know how much longer I can make attempts at being better with a zero success rate! She has said to me also that she feels that all I need her for is sex, I feel that I have written it in blood that that is not true whatsoever! My other issue with being told the things I have such as I'm not "IN LOVE" with you anymore are, how do I know when you are again, what else do I have to lay on the line to attempt to make you be in love with me again? I just feel as though I'm wasting my time , I mean it feels and sounds like in my mind she has her mind made up and I am just trying to reverse the unreversible, like she wants to pull the trigger on the D word but just doesn't want to be the one to go do it, am I wrong for having that go thru my mind like that? I love her in every way like I have said before but I just feel like my efforts in proving that to her go in an unnoticed attempt every time! If anyone has any kind of words of wisdom I am all ears at this point!!! I don't want my to lose my wife or see my kids every other weekend ya know, they mean everything to me and for that I am willing to sacrifice what I have to for a successful marriage and sex life! Thanks for reading and sorry for such a long post but I'm trying to lay it out to be transparent and in return receive some advice that will be useful! Take care!

tryinghusband
tryinghusband

I certainly understand your pain, and I don't want to diminish it. But if you had sex last week maybe your problem isn't as bad as you think it is. There are a whole lot of us that go months and years without. Not saying that your marriage doesn't have problems or that you shouldn't seek counseling for them but it could be a lot worse

Fiveyearsandcounting
Fiveyearsandcounting

Married 29 years. Great sex which fizzled out and no sexual contact for last 6 years. Not sure how to handle. Only 52 and very frustrated.

themarriagebed
themarriagebed moderator

@Fiveyearsandcounting  That depends on where you are. Is this something you would like to change, or is it something that must change? If she makes no change, will you continue to put up with it, or will it end your marriage? If it's a make or break issue, she needs to know that from the start. If it's not, don't pretend it is to get leverage.

Beyond that, you need to address why you have put up with it for so long. In her mind, it can't be that big a deal because you have put up with it. I'm sure you have made noise about it, but you have put up with it. If you are now going to push harder you need to be able to explain why that is. In other words, you need to tell her why it is different now, why she needs to take it seriously.

The other issue is why sex stopped. Is the ending of sex in part because of a lack of intimate relationship, is it because she has lost her drive, or did she done sex just for you for years and finally got tired of that? This is probably one of the first things to discuss. What it will take to start being sexual again will be different depending on why it stopped.

drabbits2
drabbits2

I am the wife who no longer wants sex after 21 years of marriage and two boys, ages 15 and 17.  Why?  Well, where do I start?  With the three other women he has crossed a line with in the past 5 years?  They were not full blown affairs, but something definitely wasn't right.  With him moving out for 6 months 5 years ago because "we were all too much for him"? (around the same time as the other women--I am sure there is a connection to be made there...)  With the three times he has been fired in the past 10 years that led to so much debt right now we can't turn around?  With the lies about anything and everything?  With the undermining parenting--like I will NOT give the 17 year old money for something he wants and hubby will, despite the fact that the 17 year old has a job and spends him money foolishly (hubby paid for a parking ticket the the child got that we had agreed he should pay for on his own, then hubby turned around and paid it).  How about the times the oldest son speaks to me disrespectfully and hubby says nothing.  How about when I ask hubby to inform the child so some decision that we came to together and hubby presents it to the child saying "Mom thinks..." or "Mom wants you to...", not "we decided..."  How about when we are out in public and he fools around with the 15 year old so much that I am embarrassed to be seen with him?  You may be asking why I don't just divorce him with all of this.  Here's the answer--we cannot afford two households right now.  I am working feverishly to pay back our debt so by the time the sophomore child is out of high school we can divorce.  Also--him moving out 5 years ago was terrible for the kids--they still talk about it and I took the three of us to lots of therapy during and after that time.  We still go to family therapy.  We don't argue--I don't care enough about what he does to argue.  His poor grooming and slobby habits around the house don't help either.  So--I say nothing, make tons of plans with friends, cultivate my own interests--theater, opera, book clubs, museums, do things with the kids, a family outing about once a month. We sit on the couch at night watching the same TV shows but neither of us talks, we pretty much only talk about things related to the kids, something about scheduling or something.  There is no abuse or addiction and I wish to god he would find a mistress!  For now, we live like roommates.  There has been no sex for the past 18 months and no physical contact of any kind for the past, oh, 4-5 months I would guess.  I do not care if I ever have sex again.  I am over it.  

tryinghusband
tryinghusband

I believe the only right thing to do in this situation is to let your intentions of divorcing him known and wit the understanding that you are only together to raise children and to pay off debt

rwk64
rwk64

I really don't know what to do anymore.  This has been on the decline for about 15 years.  We've been to the Family Life Conference, and took some doing to get her there.  In the last 15 years we've talked about this openly about a half dozen times.  After we talk she shuts down even more.  We've been married for 26 years.  I've been told "no" so many times that I really don't want to ask anymore.  It just feels humiliating after awhile.  I used to get really frustrated, now I seem to be just resigned to this fate.  I fully realize that is not a healthy way to spend the next 20-25 years, but I don't see any way out.  It has gotten frustrating enough that there are times I just have to sleep in another room, because having her right next to me in bed is just another reminder.  


I've been propositioned five times over the last fifteen years by women when I've been travelling for work.  I always said no.  My wife knows this too, but that doesn't seem to make any difference to her.  Fidelity, loyalty, thoughtfulness don't do anything.  She comes home, sits down watches her TV shows or plays on the computer and then just goes to bed.  We've had sex just three times in the last year.  It's not like I'm asking for intimacy every week.  I'm not going to cheat, but I am at a loss.  


Any thoughts?  

Geo143
Geo143

Cincy48, you have some serious situation on your hands. You love this woman and she's been abused by her dad. I'm afraid that you are in a no win situation. She most likely and from the research on this topic, will not get much better if at all. Now you have to make a decision, stay and suffer daily and most likely never have a fulfilling relationship and family with her or leave and take a chance on being happy. You have very limited time invested in her and this relationship. It sounds harsh to hear but buddy you need to step back and re-evaluate this for what it is. If you stay I can say this, you will resent her. It's not her fault, but it's not worth a lifetime of agony for you either. Harsh words yes but thrush be told. This is not a life, it's an existence at best. Good luck.

Cincy48
Cincy48

Hi I'm Anthony and I'm new on here but I been married for 5 months now and I have not had sex in the past 3 months and I'm struggling every day with this because I love my wife and when we first met she told me that she had been sexually abuse by her Dad but in the beginning we had sex not a lot but a few times and so never knew it would turn out like this. We been seeing a marriage counseling and she seems want to get help but at the same time I'm dying inside and I would hate to cheat on her but honestly I love her so much but then I'm tore between my needs and wants as a man. There are days after work that I come home and she might not talk to me for a hour or so and there is days that it might be nothing! I'm hoping someone on here is not in the same boat as me because I don't wish that on anyone but if someone is and can't help me understand this or how they are dealing with this I would love to hear from you. Everyone I'm dieing each day and not sure how much longer I can keep this up...HELP

erc74
erc74

@rwk64 My situation is very similar to yours but only 6 months old. We are both 42 years old and have been married for over 16 years. Same as your wife,  all she does is have dinner with me, soon after dinner, she goes straight to her tablet and watch tv shows on Netflix. Typically, she's in bed at 8:30 pm because she has to be at work at 6:30 am.  We have 2 boys, 7 and 12 years old. I'm an active dad who helps around the house to make sure this doesn't become an excuse for her. I've realized that it doesn't matter what I do, it just won't matter to her. I've heard every excuse in the book, I'm tired, my head hurts, I have muscular pain, I'm on my days etc. I've taken her out to dinner, concerts,  hoping for intimacy after a fun night out... she's not interested.  I'm a clean person (slightly overweight) and always try to make her enjoyment my main priority (oral). I love watching her satisfied and I go all the way to provide that to her. I just don't understand why she's going through this stage. We have talked about the situation for months, all she says to me is  "I need time".  Time for what? I've questioned her several times if there is another man involved and if this is the reason for it. She swears on our kids that this isn't the problem, yet she keeps asking for time. I really don't know what to do anymore, I have told her several times I wouldn't have an issue paying for sex or finding a mistress, I get no response from her. I feel she doesn't care what I do. Getting a divorce is not an option on my book, I want to raise my kids and be the parent they need. I have tried everything from going out on  Dinner dates, movies, family reunions, sending  her flowers at work, bringing her coffee and donuts at her workplace, on random days I bring  her flowers, concerts etc. she just won't accept being intimate with me and claims to be tired all the time. I seriously don't know what to do, I think I've done it all.

themarriagebed
themarriagebed moderator

@rwk64  You are trying to change a long-standing reality that your wife has no desire to change. There is no easy or gentle way to do that, and the methods that have a slim chance of working have a much greater chance of destroying your marriage.

At this point, I think prayer is your best option. Pray for the ability to bear up under this, and pray for a miracle in your wife. God promises the first, and occasionally the second happens.

JimmyJam1
JimmyJam1

My ex wife was abused by her older brother as a teen. When I found out we'd been together for 3 years and married. Counseling helped her eventually she always told me that I reminded her of her brother. Once I find this out I was discussed and shocked. Not long after this we separated and divorced. If I had know sooner or before about all this it would have made a lot more sense. Love makes us put up with things we normally wouldn't. I agree with the other comment and feel you should end it now and find someone else without

the bad past. That isn't fixable. Sorry.

themarriagebed
themarriagebed moderator

@JimmyJam1  Yes, it is fixable. I've seen it happen to my wife and in others. It takes a lot of work and plenty of love and patience from the spouse, but it can happen.

scrockerkc
scrockerkc

Same boat here, makes me feel like a failure! She could seem to care less

tranquility_zen
tranquility_zen

@Cincy48 hang in there 

when i was a newly wed things weren't great for a while 

i waited 18 months once for a hug let alone intimacy. 


now days we are intimate 2 to 3 times a week even with 4 kids in the house. and we have been married 24 years. 


it goes through seasons. if you can talk to each other, speak out admit you dont understand and ask for guidance from her on what she wants stabbing around in the dark is needless. confide in her and ask her to confide in you if she wont then its a doomed marriage and the trust you need to make it work is not there. 


if you expect intimacy daily connect with her. 

if she pushes you away she expects less thank you do. talk and discuss each others needs don't leave it up to assumptions of what the other wants. 

there is a old joke out there


what is the last thought on a mans mind as he is going down the aisle. 

great sex on tap. 

what is the last thought on a womans mind as she is going down the aisle ...

great i never have to do it again. 


the meaning of this joke to me is there is a vast difference between perceived expectations and communicated expectations. 


talk to her. it cant hurt and might get her to a better place . it got my wife to a great place. granted a few eggs got broken to make the omelette but communication is key.  took me way to long to learn this but i got it save yourself the same pain i did talk it out. 


be supportive and loving and it should work out. 

Dynahart
Dynahart

Sorry man but "I need time" is code for an affair every single time. There are other things she could have used as an excuse but she didn't. "I need time" means she is having another relationship and is waiting to see if he or she will commit to a long term relationship to replace you. Even if he doesn't commit, if it goes on long enough, she will leave you, probably abruptly and you will be so confused as to what happened. He happened. If she starts having sex again once in a while to keep you happy, then the other guy dumped her. She will then be bidding her time while she finds another candidate. Truth is, she is gone.

tranquility_zen
tranquility_zen

@ElyseM9610 thats possible 


but i need time means she is not there. 


if she is not confiding in him there is no relationship. even without sex there is no relationship. 


i have been quite depressed at times medicated and without hope. 

now days im great but it came from within me to solve it. not some external force. 


i suggest he move on if he is sure she is not depressed. you cant save a drowning man by jumping int he water. throw them a life ring and wait for them to save themselves.   

tranquility_zen
tranquility_zen

@Dynahart possible but not the only answer 


could also be his weight is too much for her and she does not find him attractive. and she is saving his feelings. 


most likely not but you never know how shallow someone is till you talk to them direct and in depth. 


seek a marriage counselor not a pastor but a person from a university who has skills and its their only job. 


talking it through will reveal the truth and will resolve it one way or another. 


if you get a pat reply of excuse #42 then its time to move on life is too short. 

ElyseM9610
ElyseM9610

She's depressed. She buries her head in anything she can to escape reality, and by burying her head, there is no chance of communication between you two. For women, communication, affection without sexual expectation, and emotional connection are very important. Without these, the drive dies. You don't have to be "sad" to be depressed. Depression can be hollow, lonely, and hopeless, and soon you'll both be in that boat. Alternatively, trying "too hard" can be a turn off. If she is willing to put down the devices, talk more, seek a counselor, process emotions, and work to rebuild that connection with you, then there's definitely a chance! But if she's depressed, which I suspect she is, it might take your strength to motivate her. Depression isn't always defined, and doesn't always have a reason for being. Talking about your day or mundane things isn't satisfying "communication", it's going through the motions, it's meaningless. Pry the issues out, get deep, show you care about her emotionally and mentally, not just physically. You might surprise her, and maybe that with strengthen your bond. I wish my husband knew this...

erc74
erc74

@ElyseM9610  Thank you for your positive advice. It has been very difficult months, worse christmas season ever but we're still together. I stopped asking her for intimacy and I'm trying to become a better listener. She seems to be responding in a positive way, besides that, I don't think there's much I can do. I'm working out and going to the gym 5 to 6 times a week. I feel this is helping me deal with the situation and at the same time giving  her the space she needs. Like the song says "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I've learned a lot from this painful situation. I've accepted my mistakes as her friend, husband and father to our kids. I love my wife to death but if things don't work out, I will be moving forward with my life. To be honest, I'm already working on plan B which is giving me hope and excitement. Thank you for your comment and take care, Erik.  

Deemerdad
Deemerdad

My wife has said no to sex everytime i say anything or she says dont even think about it we both work alot i take care of the kids because she work from 4pm to 10pm i do the cooking cleaning and still i get nothing

tranquility_zen
tranquility_zen

@Deemerdad i work from 7 am till 6 pm daily and take care of dinner and kids bah n beds. 


she works from 4 to midnight 3 nights a week. 


i do my share and she does hers. 


if she does not see the value in intimacy then she does not realise the value you bring to the table. 


take away the help and leave her to manage on her own. see what she says then. 


best you can do is talk to her and ask her what she wants from this relationship. 


the business of being a parent can't be everything. 


i once said to my wife if all i am is a father and bread winner to this home then i quit. i married YOU... not you so you could have kids and have me pay for them. 


I'm in this as a partnership with you and me against the world if you don't want to be with ME i'm out of here.... and i meant it i was willing to walk if there was no "US" i loved her with all my heart but i was there for the "US" factor not the "kids" factor 


kids are a blessing as a result of the "US" if there is no "US" there is no kids. 


stand up for your heart and be clear in what you expect if you talk it through it should work. if you get shut down move on and be clear it's not worth the personal pain. 



Geo143
Geo143

I could use some help again. Been married 29'yesrs, raised 2 great kids. Wife always has an excuse. All she wants to do is snuggle. I like to snuggle to but not in place of sex. I still want sex, she says snuggling is just as good. For her maybe but for me? It's not even close. I'm getting the feeling that she has gained what she wanted from me and now tjis is all I have left to look forward too. I try and try but excuse after excuse I'm at the literal end of the line. I'm seriously thinking of packing my stuff and finding a woman who still want intamacy. I'm 54 not 84. I do as much as possible around the house and cater to her. She has very little to do, I make good money as does she, our bills are paid, I own everything I have. I don't see where the stress is. I'm thinking of just coming out and asking her if she is through with me sexually. I'd rather hear the truth than not know. She is 52 and takes very good care of herself. She always has time and effort for her friends, her parents or if she wants to do something. I try to get her into the mood and she just says. "Aww your so cute". I don't want to be cute, I want to be loved. Please someone, especially any women reading this. Help me out with any insight you can give.

Geo

tranquility_zen
tranquility_zen

@Geo143 EASY be blunt. 


and stop helping. she is taking you for granted. there is no cute with a man thats like and instant kick to the nads for a guy. were trying to be accommodating and sensitive. clearly this is not working for her. 


start organising your assets so you can move on. clearly you want more from life. 


my wife has expressed interest in slowing down as we get older. like her mum has, she seems to think its normal i know her dad hates it.  i dont see myself conforming to this stereotype.  im just starting to feel like im getting a good stride on i dont expect to see this stopping any time soon. 



be clear talk to her ask her what she is expecting and express your firm dissatisfaction with the current arrangement im 45 and my wife knows im not expecting to "slow down" till im 75 or so i know my dad and grandpa were going hard at 80+ so why shouldn't i. 


i accidently walked in on dad n the physiotherapist a few times when he was in his mid 70's 

by then mum was not alive anymore. 

Lillyflo
Lillyflo

I don't feel comfortable being touched sexually anymore, I've tried for awhile but it just makes me want to scream I feel violated and unsafe. I explained to him how I felt and what the reasons might have been, but he says that I should feel guilty and do it anyways because a relationship comes with compromises.

He has told me that any therapist would tell me the same to have sex against my will.

I don't think I should have to do that, but am I crazy? Is he right? Should I just suffer and do it no matter how I feel? (He would be totally fine with that)

Geo143
Geo143

Lillyflo,

You've talked this over with your H. That's good. You do need to seek council to find out why you feel this way. If you are a married couple and in love why wouldn't you want to share yourself with him. He seems to be a bully if what you say is true but you need to dig down and find the root cause for your withdrawal. I would be destroyed if my wife felt the way you do by my wanting to make love to her. And I would never want her to go thru the motions to appease me. I want it mutually. Please stay in touch as I'm curious as to your findings.

2vanberger@gmail.com

George

Lillyflo
Lillyflo

Well, some "things" happened to me when I was younger, if you know what I mean! And he knows (which I regret ever telling him about it, as he shared my secret with his family, friends and coworkers!)

When we first met I was being sort of strong, he made me happy and I was almost ok.

Then he stopped loving me and did things and said things that completely crushed me, not saying that I had no fault and I didn't do anything, but that is what happened. So things started getting worse for me and sometimes even if someone doesn't answer my greetings I could get depressed for days.

And he knows and I've explained to him.

And I don't want to be touched or looked at in a sexual way, because I have lost my strength to forget or to cope with my problems.

But all he says is that it's unfair to him and I should just compromise. And he gets angry when I genuinely tell him that I don't mind if he sees other people.

themarriagebed
themarriagebed moderator

@Lillyflo  No real therapist would tell you to have sex against your will. You could only do that for awhile before you came to hate your husband. It's a path that leads to all manner of bad things.


That said, you do need to get help to deal with whatever caused this. And your husband could use some help as well!

Geo143
Geo143

Ok. I was wondering if there was an underlying issue. It seems to me that you've fallen out of love with him and to be honest with you, I would feel the same way. He is an emotional bully and pressuring you into a situation that you are obviously uncomfortable with. And that isn't helping. You both should seek out a good marriage counselor and take baby steps. If he refuses to go then he is basically telling you that he doesn't value your relationship. If this is the case then for your happiness and safety you need to separate. By you telling him to see other people I think that you have emotionally checked out of this marriage. I sincerely wish you well. Keep up with the updates.

Geo143
Geo143

It's Friday and we were supposed to have a date today. She had made other plans with her girls friends AFTER we made our plans as husband and wife. She is going out with them and I'm going to pack my necessities and I'm moving out while she's gone. I made a promise to myself that it's not going to happen again, I won't be a doormat. She will come home to an empty house. I'm placing my wedding band, my anniversary ring and my watch (all items that I used to cherish) on her night stand. I have a withdrawl slip and I am taking a majority of my savings, I have my safe deposit key and I'm taking the titles to my vehicles (boat, camper, motorcycle, enclosed trailer, Tahoe and my pick up) with me. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to go through with this but I'm done. I refuse to be walked on, trampled is more like it. After 29 years of marriage I'm not going to remarry so I'm not even thinking divorce but I'm done. I don't hate the woman but I don't love her anymore either. Today was the straw that broke the camels back. I really don't know if she's gonna care that I'm gone. I'll be okay. It'll hurt for a while but I'm a big boy and I will land on my feet.

tranquility_zen
tranquility_zen

@Lillyflo clearly the trust is gone. his fault im guessing by your further comments. 


move on he sounds like a problem person anyway. 

tranquility_zen
tranquility_zen

@Geo143 good for you


being a doormat is the last thing you need to be. 


not good mentally and not good long term. 


glad you stood up for yourself and moved on. 


should have hired a PI

tranquility_zen
tranquility_zen

@themarriagebed @Lillyflo its basically rape to have sex under duress... 


no reasonable person would expect you to be comfortable with rape... 


if counseling did not help then time to move on 



Geo143
Geo143

My wife constantly turns me away. At what point can a man stray just for sex? She knows how much I love her, she does not show me half the attention I show her. I need more sex. Oddly she has plenty of time for her friends and stays out very late with them but little to no consideration for me and my needs.

themarriagebed
themarriagebed moderator

@Geo143  The obvious conclusion is she is getting from her friends something she's not getting with you. You say she knows how much you love her, but does she feel loved? Does she feel you are meeting her needs?

It could certainly be something else, but this would be something to think about.

Red Car
Red Car

NO, sex does NOT require more energy from women.  Not even close.  Men burn 4 to 5 times more calories during the sex act than women.  Being too tired is deflection, essentially the beginning signs that your wife is no longer interested in you.  She has gotten what she wanted from the relationship and you can go fish for all she cares.  This is the truth, it's not pretty, but it is the truth.  As a man, exactly WHAT are you going to do about it.  You are trapped and your sex life is completely at your wife's control.  The REAL question....Why do men continue to fall for this trap?

Pheonix81
Pheonix81

I am a 35 year old man and have been married for 5 years our relationship started out great with amazing connection and sex at the blink of an eye towards each other, after being married it has become less and less, i am now terrified of even touching my wife in bed incase she thinks i am trying to intiated sex. Everything is by her rule, it has now been 6 months since i have been near her and it is killing me inside, i try to talk about it or mention maybe having an early night etc but all i get in return is "omg do you have to go on about it all the time" altho i hardly ever do im made to feel awful for even suggesting anything of the sort more than once. I do as much as i humanly can for her, i take kids to and from school, i bring her  cups of tea,i do alot of the cleaning, i buy her flowers\chocolate etc, i let her nap during the day regardless of how exhausted i am and i still have nothing. I love her with every inch of my being but i really dont understand what more i can do.

themarriagebed
themarriagebed moderator

@Pheonix81  Clearly what you've been doing is not working, and I see no reason why more of the same will have any positive effect.

If there's no more to it than you have said, I would suggest telling her it's unloving and unacceptable and ask her if she intends to change or continue. Don't argue or say more, just be clear it's wrong and you and your marriage are being hurt by it.

mespinozaarias
mespinozaarias

I'll turn 35 soon and never thought I was going to be googling this .

Just as you , marriage and other "responsibilities" have taken away motivation/lust from my wife . The frustration of being rejected is harder now than before. We have sex 1 a month maybe 2 if I'm lucky , but only when she wants it . I'm not desirable anymore maybe? I have no idea . Last year she got a better position at work with assignments in different countries , so sometimes we didn't se each other for 3 months , and still wasn't enough for her to feel the need to have sex with me... We have spoken about it but she just says I don't understand her . Me too I do most of the things at home , since she is not around often .

Well, I know you don't have the answer , I don't the answer for you either. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone ...

I hope our frustration goes away sooner than later .

Best wishes

themarriagebed
themarriagebed moderator

@cconawad  I'm so sorry. It's sad that what God called good can become something we feel bad about.

cconawad
cconawad

That's exactly where I am right now. I'm somehow made to feel guilty for a yearning to experience that passion for the woman I love and it makes me feel hollow.

EricHolt
EricHolt

I stand by what I said. You obviously got butt hurt in some way. I have read all your posts and my writings were correct in your accertations against men. Read it again...and again if necessary untill you get the full contect of what I was saying. We are on a topic which is incorperated in my line of work every day. I know a few things about psychological physiologial human sexual atributes, but all your writings were not observations but rather abuse on men. Now your butthurt lol. I will forget bedside manner and get straight to the point.

Your introduction to me was blatently an attempt at deameaning me alongside all men you demean. Your first sentence covered a total of 4 ways to try and intimidate. You attacked intelligence, maturity, context of writing and knowledge. With a PHD in psychology Hons. physiological psychological, I think I have a lot more learned knowledge in this field than you. And you are not doing anything but detriment to those that read your words. It is in fact yourself that is lacking in maturity and intellect here and quite simply, by your reply, a waste of time responding too. One can not help themselves untill they acknolledge their own fault. You obviously cant. I cant say all my sexual relations have been perfect, but you wont ever hear me demeaning a woman simply because of her or my shortfalls in the relationship. That is the wonderful thing about sex and love. Finding the right one, the one that is perfect for you. Obviuosly, yoiu never found that one. I found mine 37 years ago. Guess I did something right eh! Time for you to stop whining and do something right also. Never let the assumption of what you expect direct your actions. Have fun, enjoy life and leave the bagging men alone. It is obvious you dont like it. That was why I responded like that. Reaction.

A real sexual woman
A real sexual woman

@EricHolt Thanks for reading ' all' my posts!! I will keep writing regardless of what ever garbage you or other old fools like yourself try to say! Rant away no one is paying  real attention to your posts.

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