Why wives say no to sex, and what a man can do about it.

June 23, 2012

in Better Sex in 2012, Sexuality

graphic generated by surveymonkey.com

Last week we ran a facebook poll asking why women (and men) say no to sex. So far we’ve had 171 women answer (some only after my bride assured them it was anonymous!).

As with any web based survey I can’t claim the results are representative of the population as a whole, but I can tell you they fall in line with what we and others hear over and over from women. This won’t apply to all women, but if your bride hasn’t suffered significant sexual abuse, is not inherently against sex, and isn’t just plain selfish, there’s a good chance this speaks for her fairly well. I’ve put the full responses, plus comments, at the end, after my thoughts.

  • Too tired: Two-thirds of the women said they say no because they are too tired, and half said they say no because it’s late or they have to get up early. I know tired sounds like an excuse to men, but please realise sex takes more energy for women, especially if they want to climax. We can have a quickie, climax, roll over and be asleep all in ten minutes, but this just leaves a woman horny, frustrated, and unable to get to sleep. If she’s tired to start with, climax is going to be difficult at best, and maybe just not worth the effort. (Note 16% said they say no because “It would take way too much time and effort to climax.”) So, if you want more sex, your number one job is to find a way for your bride to get more rest and better sleep. Nothing else will have as much of an effect, and for most women nothing else can have an effect until the exhaustion issue is resolved.
  • Not connected: The next biggie, at 44%, was not having connected emotionally. Women need to be connected on a heart level to want and enjoy connecting physically. They can have sex without emotional connection, but they won’t want it, and probably won’t enjoy it. (BTW, an orgasm does not mean she enjoyed it – really). So, if you want more sex, your number two job is building your relationship. This doesn’t mean being lovey-dovey an hour before you ask for sex! Work on the relationship 24/7 and she’ll be more open to sex in general.
  • Stress!: Thirty percent of women say no due to stress. Some women manage to get to the place where sex is a stress reliever, but this is not the norm. For most women stress kills both their sex drive and their ability to respond sexually. So, if you want more sex, your number three job is to be aware of your bride’s stress level and find ways to help her. This is neither an easy nor quick task, but you can do things to help her with stress.
  • He’s rude!: More than a quarter of women have said no because of recent rudeness on the part of their husband. So, if you want more sex, your number four job is to stop being rude. Again, this doesn’t mean just the hours leading up to bedtime; it means trying to never be rude, and admitting it and apologising when you are rude.
  • OUCH! One woman in five said they have said no because of physical pain. (This was the most surprising result to me, I’d have expected about half that rate.) There’s no breakdown of the pain, although several women indicated period related pain in the comments. Husband being too rough was 3.5%, so most of this pain is something else. Learn to know when she’s in pain, and find ways to help her reduce pain. You might also be able to have sex if you are willing to do something other than intercourse. Orgasm is a great pain-killer, and if she learns you can give her an orgasm without hurting her she may have a new motivation to say yes!
  • Wrong message: A little more than one woman in six says no because things are not okay in the relationship and she knows her husband takes sex as proof everything is okay. This does NOT mean she’s saying no because of the problems, but because she doesn’t want to wrongly communicate the problems are resolved or are no big deal. If you will learn sex is not an indication everything is fine, and if you can communicate that understanding to her, she may well be more open to sex. She may be willing to set the problems aside and enjoy sex with you if she knows you’ll still be willing to deal with the problems later.
  • I hate how I look!: Also at about one women in six are women so distressed by how they look they say no to sex. And, for each woman who says no, there are a several more who say yes but struggle to enjoy because they feel self-conscious. This is a huge issue, and one you need to work on steadily if you want to help her feel better about her body.
  • It’s all he wants: While “I feel it’s all he wants me for” was fairly low, at 15%, it still means plenty of women feel this way. They may or may not be right, but it’s killing the couple’s sex life.
  • Ready fire aim: A lack of foreplay was a reason for refusing for one woman in eight. However, I suspect even more would say they don’t enjoy sex much due to a lack of foreplay. It’s nice this was fairly low, and it’s an easy thing to fix.
  • All the rest: The remaining ten answers were chosen by fewer than 10% of those answering.

WOMEN: Why do you say no to sex?

Too tried 66.7%
It’s late and/or getting up early in the morning 49.1%
We have not connected emotionally 44.4%
Stressed 29.8%
He’s been rude to me recently 29.2%
Physical pain 19.9%
He thinks it means everything is okay, and it’s not 17.5%
It would take way to much time and effort to climax 16.4%
I don’t like how I look 16.4%
I feel it’s all he wants me for 15.2%
There is never enough foreplay 12.3%
I’ve rarely or never climax 8.8%
Not enough privacy 8.8%
He does not turn me on 7.6%
He does not take care of me; when he’s done, he thinks it’s over 7.6%
He smells bad 7.0%
If I do, he “wins” 5.8%
He’s too rough 3.5%
He always wants to do things I don’t like 2.9%
I think sex is wrong or gross 1.8%
I just don’t love him anymore 1.2%

Comments from the women:

  • I never say no. I have even told my husband that i’m up for it anytime he wants it. ;)
  • usually it’s just that one of us is not comfortable, physically, mentally, or just with the environment.
  • He lies to me. I can’t trust him.
  • Sometimes I just feel gross, like I’m not clean enough or whatnot.
  • “that” time of the month
  • young children :)
  • When I’m not feeling healthy
  • He has said no to me so many times, that I can barely be in the mood!
  • I don’t say no…..
  • I don’t say no but he usually doesn’t ask
  • If the marriage has no mental, emotional, spiritual connection. How can I respond sexually.
  • It doesn’t feel as good as it used to or hurts too much.
  • I have several chronic conditions that come with some complications that make sex uncomfortable.
  • Sex can be pleasurable, but I never (or rarely) have a desire for it. It’s just too much effort and not something I really crave.
  • He’s the one who says no.
  • He had prostrate cancer We rarely have it.
  • If I’m sick
  • The only time I will say no to sex is if I’m throwing up or menstruating. Otherwise, he’s the one that’s usually saying no.
  • He doesn’t seem interested.
  • pregnant/sick
  • He does not ask Porn issues and Masturbation
  • vertigo when I lay down causes nausea and panic, so I have to start the night semi sitting, my husband can tell I’m nauseated and feels bad about bringing it up.
  • Not enough time to relax, or anticipate previous to starting
  • We don’t have time. Otherwise, we don’t say “no”
  • he only wants to do it in the morning, i am still half asleep
  • he appears soooo needy
  • Makes me feel vulnerable
  • Menstrual cycle
  • bitter from doing everything (housework, bills, lawn care…) with zero help from him

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124 comments
EricHolt
EricHolt

I stand by what I said. You obviously got butt hurt in some way. I have read all your posts and my writings were correct in your accertations against men. Read it again...and again if necessary untill you get the full contect of what I was saying. We are on a topic which is incorperated in my line of work every day. I know a few things about psychological physiologial human sexual atributes, but all your writings were not observations but rather abuse on men. Now your butthurt lol. I will forget bedside manner and get straight to the point.

Your introduction to me was blatently an attempt at deameaning me alongside all men you demean. Your first sentence covered a total of 4 ways to try and intimidate. You attacked intelligence, maturity, context of writing and knowledge. With a PHD in psychology Hons. physiological psychological, I think I have a lot more learned knowledge in this field than you. And you are not doing anything but detriment to those that read your words. It is in fact yourself that is lacking in maturity and intellect here and quite simply, by your reply, a waste of time responding too. One can not help themselves untill they acknolledge their own fault. You obviously cant. I cant say all my sexual relations have been perfect, but you wont ever hear me demeaning a woman simply because of her or my shortfalls in the relationship. That is the wonderful thing about sex and love. Finding the right one, the one that is perfect for you. Obviuosly, yoiu never found that one. I found mine 37 years ago. Guess I did something right eh! Time for you to stop whining and do something right also. Never let the assumption of what you expect direct your actions. Have fun, enjoy life and leave the bagging men alone. It is obvious you dont like it. That was why I responded like that. Reaction.

A real sexual woman
A real sexual woman

@EricHolt Thanks for reading ' all' my posts!! I will keep writing regardless of what ever garbage you or other old fools like yourself try to say! Rant away no one is paying  real attention to your posts.

apr427
apr427

Dated  for 5 years no sexual intercourse during this time.Got married and within 1 week I could see that there was a definite problem she was not into it and i could never get her to open up about it . I thought she would get passed it but 14 years later it ended our marriage. Can't understand how when we dated she was intimate but after we got married almost nothing.

A real sexual woman
A real sexual woman

This is what makes me laugh, it is incredible how many Christian men claim to be some great catch but treat their wives even worse than non- Christian men. It is not about acting the part it’s about being the great man God wants to be not just to fool a wife into thinking your great just to marry her and get sex from her. When are you going to understand that sex and a relationship isn’t a transaction, that’s what I have a business partner for not a lover and best friend.

If I just used a man for sex and pretended to be loving just to get my needs served the next morning I would expect him to start refusing. Contrary to non - evidence based trash that is put out there women are naturally very sexual, they are just manipulated into being a lot less sexual or to perform for husbands like a stupid pet. If a woman expresses desire that’s intense ,strong and expresses it regularly or very regularly Men don’t tend to like it. They feel that although they want to sexual woman they don’t want one that is too sexual apparently it makes them feel emasculated. It clear that so many men on this blog, only understand sex on a physical level not mental, spiritual, emotional. No wonder you feel empty, frequency won’t change that you may as well just masturbate, sex has aspects DUH. Women aren’t dumb we can sense the user smell from a mile away, sex is important to women too ; just leave our sex drives alone !!! women have tastes, desires, preferences that vary from woman to woman. Men however have very similar tastes which are missionary sex , from behind  and BJ’s which is VERY BORING and not sexually exciting and wait just pleases YOU. Do you offer her oral, have sex in the positions she likes, do you respond to her initiating; doubtful!   

themarriagebed
themarriagebed moderator

@A real sexual woman   Some men are as you say, but it's not all or even the norm. Plenty of men want and enjoy a woman who is as into sex as they are.

Beyond that, I talk to plenty of men, and many are eager to learn ways to make sex better for their wife. All too often these men are married to women who want nothing of it.

We have broken people on both sides

A real sexual woman
A real sexual woman

@themarriagebed hmmmmm some is an understatement, it is the norm as few men can handle a woman with a sex drive that is as strong or more intense than his. It is a shame that women have fallen prey this frigid card which is  totally contrary to our natures. 


I am sorry women don't come with manuals each of us comes with different desires and tastes. Men come with simlar ones and apply the same concept on his body to hers; it doesn't work!!


It is really really simple but you have be a strong man to be able to handle this..................................... you have to be vunerable, raw and real men like this RARELY have to initate. In this respect this is what every woman wants.

themarriagebed
themarriagebed moderator

@A real sexual woman  @themarriagebed  Given the rarity of such women, or at least them acting it out, it's tough to say how many men can handle it. 

I find female desries are far more varied than male, which makes it even more difficult for men.

I agree all healthy women want vulnurability from a man, and many men are afraid of that to some degree.

A real sexual woman
A real sexual woman

@themarriagebed  this is really not rare amongst women, Christian women are brainwashed into being frigid, being sexually aggressive is considered not fitting for a woman. Its actually annoying and makes me want to puke. In my culture a sexual woman is considered normal, NOT WEIRD!

The answer is no man can actually enjoy sex if he is obstructing or manipulating his wife's sexual preferences into what he wants, he naturally feels empty and compensates with regularly . Sorry  that is as dumb as shooting yourself in the head and expecting someone else to die! The fuss is really coming about due to regularly of sex and very little else, this is important nobody wants the twice a week rule.  However the quality of the sex isn’t great if the guy is in control of the style and rituality constantly, women just get bored and the regularity slips. Bluntly speaking from a woman’s point of view what is the difference between you ( her husband) and having sex with another guy. Nothing as she has no clue who you are a sexual being just brainwashed ideas of what a man should like, which often isn’t that exciting. So many studies have shown that women having varied sexual tastes hugely benefit the relationship, it’s a plain lie that it makes it difficult.


A man is designed by God to be sexually open to be explored and desired, he feels MUCH more secure that way ( no security isn’t a female thing) , forget the nonsense society says. A man would be a fool to say, oh my wife wants me A LOT, not sex from other men but ME I enjoy being vulnerable with her and open to her ideas. Says NO MAN ever !! It is completely contrary to his PERFECT sexual design. Let’s get back to how we were meant to be.

themarriagebed
themarriagebed moderator

@A real sexual woman  @themarriagebed  I certainly won't argue Christianity has messed up sexuality for women - and for men. But when I look at other cultures what I mostly see is different but still broken expectations.

Sadly some men can enjoy sex when they should not. Or at least they think they are enjoying it. It would be far better for them if they were healthier. 

While I hear you on a "twice a week rule" the reality for most men is they would rather have "poor sex" twice a week than great sex three times a month. There is a very real quantity issue for men, and when women discredit this they are shooting themselves in the head.

I think we agree on your bottom line. We've messed sex up so much it's a wonder any of us even bother. 

Finally, I am very open to my wife's ideas, and increasingly vulnerable with her. Yes it's counter-culture, but very much biblical. And while I am not the norm, I am not alone.

A real sexual woman
A real sexual woman

@themarriagebed @A real sexual woman   Agreed but women have suffered much more, our sexuality is controlled, in Old Testament times it was presumed that women were sexual aggressors. Delilah, Jebel,  Potiphar’s wife, the lady in SOS, these women enjoyed anything from bondage to pointing out men’s physical stature in strong detail. Don’t forget Solomon was warned over and over about women ‘capturing him’  These days women are by comparison quite frigid we are told to perform for husbands and all that trash, in short the sexual energy we have has been squashed. 


Men these days are very uncomfortable with a sexual woman apparently they would rather have rubbish sex than feel emasculated (sorry that’s in your head) you have a woman waiting to have sex with you, it is blatant testament to your sexuality and manliness otherwise she wouldn’t go there. Fortunately the cultural struggle I am blessed to not be fighting against.   


Well for women your either enjoying the sex or you aren’t it is pretty black and white, we can’t fool ourselves in it. I like to call it the quality control button.  Regularity is important with that we are in agreement but from what it appears I am not sure men  generally can really define great sex. It is extremely unlikely for a woman to say she is having mind blowing sex and he isn’t in agreement because that is how you are made. This is why I personally think that women should be in charge of the sexual aspect of their relationship, as a rule we really don’t like poor sex it’s a HUGE problem. I have known it to awoken women into cheating, no I do not condone this!

Well I am glad to hear you can think outside the cultural box, you might not be alone but you are extremely rare. You don’t have to be stuck with a man that is not great in bed despite 1000000000000 attempts to tell him what looks and feels great. Men are built to be open but when bedroom antics are filled with your ideas it becomes boring. I am getting tired of hearing ‘ oh again; we had sex three hours ago/ last night’  ‘ that’s a little rough’ ( barely being aggressive) ‘ your very often on top, why?’ ( as though that isn’t normal )  ‘ you want to see what!!!?’ the WORST ONE ‘you are very sexual for a woman’  I don’t get what’s so shocking its normal , men know how to discuss sex in primal ways but when it comes to doing the deed properly your very very shy.

My advice to women to avoid being stuck in my situation be in control, bring as many ideas to the bedroom as possible (with biblical constraint of course) if you don’t you will end up with a husband that’s all talk and very little action just let him focus on regularity if you’re  not open to regularly that’s where he can help. Dear men, just some advice please don’t think because you discuss sex or think about it makes you great in bed. We find out soon after the I do’s and it annoys us, we know what great sex looks like, we will put up with ok for a short while before we get sick of it. You want to know what makes you manly to the point that you are fantasizing about the next time your wife I going to grab you. Be totally open , for some dumb reason someone may have told you that, that it is for the woman to be open. The horrible lies , such as men cannot make a lot of noise , want to be on the bottom often, cry or enjoy cuddling.  It is a masculine power you possess when your open , really open we can see , feel , smell it; it sucks when you hide it we don’t like it. Men who unlock this power ( that all of you have been built with) usually have to turn down sex as they find they have an extremely thirsty wife. These men are extremely masculine!

EricHolt
EricHolt

@A real sexual woman   You sound like a self made strong woman who has not found much time in her life for men and does not need them now. Everything you say points at excuses or denegration of men. Sex is not everything, but it is necessary. It is one of those things in life, like all the Little problems and things you place before sex, that will really change the mood and the relationship to zero. Too many women, most obviously yourself by all your denegration, think they know all about sex and its requirements. For themselves, yes and think they can impose that on all their partners. One of the things all to many women talk about is sex on a psychological level for women and a physical level for men. How can you as a woman with so many predeturmined and incorect views have any input altogether on how men feel or what they want. Your obviously about you and you alone. Sex is both psychological and physical for both men and women. Its also one of the most natural things between men and women. The moment you start talking about sex with reference to work actions, you lost the plot. Your reference is that any man who wants sex is asking his wife to perform as a stupid puppet....so, is it ok if the woman asks for sex and not the man....is it ok not to have sex at all then. What exactly is a stupid statement like that. Men ask their wives for sex because it is mostly men who work away from home and long hours. Notice i say mostly as these days it is something women do also, however, they are like you and very self determined about their position. To an extent of rejection of men who they see as a barrier between them and their life. Your name....A real sexual woman....your as sexual as a dog dump on the side of the road. The exact reason of the continuity of emotional breakdown between men and women. I am guessing your hurt is mouthed to so many women every day that they are even a Little like you. Sex is and always will be a part of human relationships. It has done very well until these days, or rather, untill the rising of women like yourself. The only truth you spoke was the fact that women are very sexual. They have sexual and emotional need everybit as much as men and some even more. So, why so much refusal. Hate to bring it to you, but it is more about por management of time in relationships. Its also about the birth of a new breed of woman with the equality issues taken too far. A more selfish and greedy type of woman. And that is not saying men have not always been like that. Its called survival of the fittest. But for women to blame men is just wrong. We both know there are always variences...but we are talking majority. Your last comment only serves to give credability to the fact I said you hate men and are maybe a lesbian these days. Or do you just prefer kama Sutra to you needs and wants? Either way....your attitude says you will never be happy and will grow old alone and withered.

A real sexual woman
A real sexual woman

@EricHolt @A real sexual woman   Really !!! You clearly lack maturity and general intelligence I am gathering this through the garbage you have typed and not hyperbole that you surmise as fact.


Thanks for the complement I would consider myself strong woman. I spend over half of my life working exclusively working with men so DUH I need them at least in one capacity, they treat me with respect. Well OF COURSE SEX IS NEEDFUL, for reproduction at the very least.  If I thought I knew everything about sex I would have explicitly said so, if you read my posts properly you see that I address both psychological and physical elements and neither are my points constantly gendered as you assert.


I made specific points based upon,  hundreds of men across many different demographics I have personally interacted with.  You state they are incorrect but cannot fully explain how, like a child you have to make the argument personal. You clearly don’t understand the context of a statement, it was not a statement! My point was based upon many men constantly trying to be in charge during sex and asking for a string of things they have seen on a porn video, which does not coincide with reality.  No man would dislike a woman who knows what she wants sexually unless he is a control freak.  ‘ a real sexual being’ is an alias! It doesn’t denote ones full sexual history, how foolish to make such an assertion.


No I am not hurt just voicing the problems that I observe, that’s it moan about women making sweeping generalisations!! My points were not in any way in relation to equality or that would have explicitly stated this. If I know what I want sexually it makes me powerful and not weak, I don’t need someone to tell me what I like. Your last statement was the height of foolishness! I am not sure what lesbian would spend so much time talking about men you bringing this up says more about you than anything. I AM HAPPY AND STILL QUITE YOUNG, thanks for bringing that to mind Mr Troll. 

A real sexual woman
A real sexual woman

@WhitneyWoodruff @A real sexual woman This is part of the problem thinking of gender as fixed entity that permeates the way men and women behave. I was arguing about turning sex into a commodity or an exchange which is what and animal does as they are inferior.


Both men and women have these relational or emotional needs the dynamic may transpire differently but the principle is the same. I disagree that women ‘ think’ they want sex unlike men don’t have to watch porn to drive their desire or get ideas as to what they enjoy sexually.


I agree that women view sex as something they give because of the social construction of society that dictates that women are ‘ meant to be givers’  although to a degree women in some contexts are more giving. However with this implies that men are meant to be aggressive takers if they are to be viewed as ‘masculine’ which has amplified the rape culture problem we have. I wasn’t debating that the experience isn’t different but I would strongly debate that if a man has a different experience that he is any LESS masculine. This is just social brainwashing how and why we should experience sex.  


I made no such correlation, you misunderstood me, I was discussing a man being vulnerable and open to her sexually rather than just getting sex out of her. Again you took what I said of out context, many men would not be comfortable with a wife that has a higher sex drive, they often feel emasculated under that force, I personally don’t; understand why.  


I recognise that I am in the minority as I have not allowed myself to follow this prescribed masculine/ feminine model which leaves both genders completely unsatisfied. I believe sexual expression transcends a straight jacket model of masculine and female this doesn’t dictate drive as much as we have been convinced to believe.  Fantasies aren’t necessarily wrong , everyone has them to a greater or lesser degree.


On your final point I was referring to a marriage not causal sex, why would anyone really care for someone’s emotions if they are just sleeping together. However sex being what it is does have a bonding effect to some degree, hence why friends with benefits doesn’t work at all; both genders ultimately suffer.  

ChristopherScaletta
ChristopherScaletta

Wrong on so many levels, I have a huge libido, so did my wife, until her MS got worse, now I am uncomfortable having sex with her because all I get is Quickies and I have faked numerous orgasms just to roll over and go to sleep because I lost my sex drive when she puts a time limit on it, or I can tell she isn't into it. It's destroying my "want" to be intimate with her, and forcing me to re-evaluate our marriage. I definitely did not get married to turn around and not have sex at all, or very little.

A real sexual woman
A real sexual woman

@ChristopherScaletta  Since you have had the strength to disagree fairly I will answer as gently as I can.

I am genuinely sorry to hear that your wife is unwell that must be difficult for both of you. As far as I am aware MS doesn’t get better but usually progresses with time. Well of course quick sex sessions are going to be uncomfortable, we aren’t as humans designed for just that type of encounter. Emotionally of course that’s going to destroy you if you enjoyed sex when she didn’t it would make you kinda sick! Honestly faking orgasms is a little silly she can tell and it probably annoys her more as she can physically see you faking. The likelihood is it is making her want to sexually disconnect from you even more the more you ‘ get’ from her Honestly I sympathise to a point.

However you have made the common mistake of reducing intimacy to an act not something far more expansive which a healthy man is totally capable of. Although sex is a MAJOR part of marriage Your viewing the marriage as a business contract, i.e. you marry me so I can make you ‘ put out’ when I want is gonna drive a woman who is healthy physically and mentally thought about getting you naked often is going to be put right off you! Personally in this regard you are being selfish. Imagine she was the spouse who had a higher sex drive than you, you later got hurt and could only have sex twice a week in total pain. You loved her and wanted her to share that with u but you learned to associate sex with pain and a forceful spouse who was starting to look at other younger men. Really posing sex that way can you see her point of view, which is what you are called to in marriage. 

themarriagebed
themarriagebed moderator

@ChristopherScaletta  I would think this is part of the "in sickness and health". There are other options if you are both open to them, but it sounds as if you are not.

MS damages both sex drive and the ability to orgasm, so she has some significant and very real issues with this.

McSniper
McSniper

So frustrating, my libido is fire, hers is non existent but she is SO hot, it's killing me ..


I'm in shape, good looking, fun but feel like my wife doesn't see any of those things ..

Duneman05
Duneman05

Fellas- 

Can you imagine using just about any one of these EXCUSES (yeah, I said it) to explain to your boss why you don't feel like you should have to show up to work? Can you imagine using one of these excuses to explain to a family court judge why you are not taking care of your wife and kids? Maybe this is why women make 77 cent for every dollar a man makes... it's still more than you deserve. 


In all honesty, family courts should grant an automatic divorce, plus alimony, for a man whose wife won't put out. Laying on your back is, quite literally, the easiest thing in the world to do, unless you enjoy snacking on a box of thumb-tacks in bed. Until the courts fix the damage wrought by Feminism, the only thing any respectable man can do is "work late", and I think we all know what that means.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@Duneman05 If sex is a job, rather than part of a loving relationship, you comparison is fair. Then you suggest a woman's place in sex is lying on her back. I'm no fan of feminism, but neither am I for treating a woman like a warm place to put it.

jdj1989
jdj1989

What to do what to do

jdj1989
jdj1989

Her body just doesn't want sex is what she tells me and I'm still a wild stallion that enjoys sex

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@jdj1989 I'm sure that is her perspective, but odds are it's her mind, not her body. Getting her to see that is not an easy, or even possible task.

tryinghusband
tryinghusband

here's my feelings on this after years of basically sexless marriage. 1st let me say I do understand my own faults. have we seen eye to eye on everything? No. Have I been the perfect husband? No. Have I been selfish or mean or grumpy have I had bad days at work and carried that frustrating home? Yes. And I confess that my walk with Christ have been up & down over the years however I have never cheated nor have I ever been abusive. I've come to the belief that most people think as long as I'm not UNfaithful (adultery) it really doesn't matter if I stay faithful (keeping all marriage vows and biblical commands) and therefore I can play any childish game I want to when things don't go my way. Atleast in my marriage like I stated before I'm not perfect. I do not believe my wife as ever cheated on me however I most definitely feel cheated. I feel cheated out on all the anniversary, birthdays, vacations, holidays and on any given Tuesday that she chooses to watch tv & playing on phone or computer and then comes to bed being "too tired" really? 1st of all I work nights so only 2 nights a week we can actually go to bed together so is it too much to ask that I should get her attention and energy for atleast 1 of those nights? 2nd I am tired of every article I read on this topic basically comparing sex to a chore or something women exchange for men doing chores. if you don't want to have sex with the person you married than you probably should just get a divorce because in my view you are not really caring about Biblical commands anyway so why not just cut you losses and free the other. ok going back to the idea of UNfaithful vs not being faithful. lets use the church as the bride of Christ as an example. Example 1 we have a christian in name only doesn't attend worship rarely opened the bible but tries to pray before bed if thier not "too tired" example 2 a person who totally leaves the church starts worshipping some other gods. Wich do you think the bridegroom prefers? The bible teaches that he would rather us be cold or hot but since we are neither he will spite us out. as a human groom in my words I want her hot and on fire for me or cold enough to divorce me. Being neither hot the way I need or being cold enough to leave has done irreparable damage to our marriage and at some point I will spite her out of my life. Unfortunately life is too short and by that time I will be a shell of a man and not much use to any other women

tryinghusband
tryinghusband

yes I know this is an old feed and sorry if that was a little hard to follow it is the middle of a very frustrating night

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@tryinghusband It does seem we have reduced what is expected in marriage to a very short list. A list which is much shorter than what the Bible says. This gives the power to the spouse who is willing to manipulate and withhold. 

I agree, we need to talk more about being faithful and doing what is right.

Realdude2020
Realdude2020

I'm going thru the same thing...hang in there, I don't understand why women...turn the sex off, like turning off a tv? Oh well, I'm just trying to figure it out and help my.marriage to.work..God Bless

fidelity121
fidelity121

Being a woman, and wanting sex more frequently than my husband due to our pregnancy, I found this article somewhat amusing and incredible. We have sex every day, and I would love to increase that level most days. This isn't purely because of a Biblical mandate, although I certainly believe a woman should worship her husband as the next level down from God. It's rather because - my husband is hot, supportive, intelligent, in shape, and just the site of him makes me want to bend over and please and empower him; I normally feel this way, but with the pregnancy the intensity has reached outrageous proportions. I've definitely learned a person can be too selfish in the pursuit of sex; after waking up my husband at 1 AM he got rather upset for encroaching on his limited sleep time and indicated to never to do that again, no matter how horny I get. Must fit things in late at night and early in the morning; how's that for "too tired" for you :). Straight from the mouth of a working man.


I read this article kind of from the perspective of a wet dream, imagining that I were in a position to turn down sex and not the other way around. I was kind of incredulous about the excuses given at first, but, I think it makes sense - depending on the man. For me, it's easy to strongly desire submitting to my husband because has A.) never betrayed my trust with lies, insincerity, or infidelity (and never flirts with other women, like some men I've seen do) B.) never watched porn since we got married (which is very blatant infidelity) C.) kept himself within the bounds of normal shape-wise D.) encouraged me unconditionally and our children E.) never emotionally abused me or our children (and has always been very approving of whatever body image I'm at) and F.) worked very hard to provide for our family, even sometimes under great stress. When I felt I couldn't balance work and home, he allowed me to stay with our son without much complaint, though he could have easily given me a hard time about it, or held me in contempt for not pulling my weight financially. Though he would have had every right to take advantage of power imbalance, he never did. In short, he has done nothing to block the sentiment that I strongly feel most women are pre-programmed with: the desire to worship, empower, and submit totally to their husband. Outside of the raising of our children, my top goal is to shower him with gratitude, and to be continually, enthusiastically attentive to all of his needs; for me, sex is the ultimate way to say to one's husband "I appreciate you, I worship you, I bow to your authority on every spiritual level." I would posit that every truly good man who has selected a mate wisely, should easily be able to consistently elicit the same response from his wife. Probably not if she is waking up every 2 hours to breastfeed, or if she is medically, thoroughly ill, but, sans that.


So, the question naturally becomes what men deplore to hear - "what is wrong with you?" I can honestly say, I'm not really a feminist, but if I were a man in that situation - I'd probably be thinking just that. Admit it, that's probably why this bothers you so much to begin with - because witholding sex is often a means of rejection. So what valid reasons does a wife have for rejecting her husband? A couple of thoughts come to mind: have you violated the sacred trust and power which she has placed at your feet? Are you one of those guys who has to stare at every pair of passing breasts, compliment women - even with your wife present - or watch porn like it's your job to make your wife feel inadequate and incapable? Are you openly and constantly comparing her body with that of other women, holding aging and medically acceptable weight gain against her; are you one of those people who has to let your wife know how ugly she is to you, or how much you want her to change - but then expect her to somehow have the confidence to bare her soul to you during sex? Do you threaten to cheat on her, or leave her - do you take away her feeling of safety? Do you beat her, ignore her, ignore her children, mistreat her/your children? Do you force her to work a hard job, and then to do all the housework too, but then hold her being tired against her? Do you reject her compliments, advances, tokens of affection - is sarcasm the way you show her you're a man? Are you consistently rude and ungrateful in your home life? In short, I guess, all of the above could be paraphrased to "are you not representing God to her at all"? If this is you, why should you be worshiped - how can she respect you as a leader? Sure, I have no place telling you this as a woman but - I have no idea why a man would consciously choose to be less than his potential; every great man (and woman) is constantly self-examining themselves to try to be the "best they can be" for God, and for their family; are you? Only you can answer that. 


Then again, there are also a slew of poorly bred or incapable women out there. But, I strongly believe there's no way she could have "fooled" you at the beginning of your marriage, and morphed into something else. A lot of men will put up with a bad attitude because the woman looks great at first; they reap what they sow - if all they care about is appearance, they'll wind up with nothing in time; and if you think lack of sex is bad, imagine what it will be like when you're 80 and need someone to do your laundry then, or nurse you back to health from surgery. No self-centered beauty is going to do that for you, though I'm not trying to imply beautiful women are inherently more self-centered -simply that, if that's all you noticed at first, why even be surprised later? On the other hand, she may be incapable of desire as well - either due to a hormonal imbalance or perhaps from starving herself; if you're the kind of man who needs her to look a certain way (many men like the waif image) - you might be shooting yourself in the foot - a woman who employs extreme measures to secure that image for you may have to fight against lowered libido and work twice as hard to be as engaged as a woman who, say, is not under such stringent requirements.


I used to think, for a very long time, that there were many good men out there just suffering needlessly under the persecution of selfish, ungrateful women, who obstinately and cruelly withheld submission from their husbands. For a time I thought - a husband is probably fully justified to force his wife into submission in such a situation, like beating a spoilt child. However, the more I became familiar with other women, and with the behavior of "typical" men, the more I realized - these women are actually suffering; they're no different from the most devoted wives - they have all the capacity and desire - it's their husbands who have told them in so many ways "no"; I feel sorry for the husbands too - clearly, they don't see the consequence of their actions. But really, if a project goes bad - who do you hold accountable for it - the management or the employee? You hold the management, because the management has the power. In all Christian relationships, the man has the power. 


I love that my husband has power over me. Never in a million years would I shrink from the opportunity to worship the ground he walks on.







JonadabTheRecobite
JonadabTheRecobite

@fidelity121


So if a wife does not desire her husband it must be his fault?  And if she lacks desire she is permitted to defraud him?   


You say you are not a feminist,  but I do not think that word means what you think it means.

fidelity121
fidelity121

@Deposed @fidelity121 Deposed, judging by your commentary on previous posts, I'm not sure that we will ultimately see eye to eye on things, only in that, I try to not view the world in a rigid black/white structure, because I find it renders me lacking empathy. I know per your beliefs you have a black/white value system, but I will try to address your question, even though my beliefs are not quite as rigid.


That said, I don't think it is a given that if a wife doesn't desire her husband, it is his fault - but I do think, given our culture, that is a statistical probability; I've witnessed a lot of men behaving in ways that are (to me) deplorable, and I greatly pity the wives who must try to worship such men. In my opinion, if she lacks desire because he has basically slept with other women, whether in the flesh or in his mind, or divorced her in his soul, and actions - then I think she is permitted to defraud him as he defrauded her; I would view her "defrauding" (in my opinion), as less grievous then, say, a man who has first defrauded her by, I don't know, sleeping with his secretary, or gym companion, or whatnot. That's an extreme situation I think, but I've seen it happen. If she just lacks desire and the man is not at fault, of course her duty is to try to serve him. The sad reality is, very men aren't contented with this; my man wants me to show desire, and actively participate in sex. If I "wasn't into it" but still had sex, it would be quite valueless I think, even if Biblically speaking I were doing my duty or whatnot. 


My main point was that, I truly believe women are generally well inclined to desire their husbands, and I've seen many women hurt by men; I really haven't seen the opposite as much. That's just been my experience. 


I'm not afraid of labels so, if you want to label me a feminist and blame me for the ills of the world, go ahead; I rather consider myself a humanist, but, to each his own.

JonadabTheRecobite
JonadabTheRecobite


@fidelity121 @Deposed 


You do realize that humanism is in opposition to both the authority of God and Gospel don't you?  It is the desire to be as God, you know the temptation given to Eve by the cunning serpent.  It just sounds so good doesn't it?   Perhaps you should ask that hunk - a- burning love you married, he can no doubt wash and water you in the Word so that you are not blown astray by every wind of doctrine and help to root and ground you in the truth of God's revelation.  But you should know that most Bibles are black and white, you might be more comfortable in one of those red-letter editions ;-)

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@fidelity121 Thanks so much for your comments!

On the issue of being too tired for sex in the middle of the night, I suspect that has more to do with him being sexually satisfied than anything else. If you were having sex once a week, I bet he would be all about being woken for sex!

Your list of things your husband has done right for you is very instructive. He is a loving, caring husband, and that makes it easy for you to desire him sexually. These two things are connected.

Your list of things men can do to mess up sex with their wife is also excellent. Many of these can be subtle, and a man may dismiss them as unimportant. Doing a few of these regularly is a sure way to hurt a wife's interest in sex.

fidelity121
fidelity121

@Deposed @fidelity121 Yes, I realize humanism was also a poor choice of words there; maybe humanitarian is what I meant. I'm not sure - I am a human who does view women as not meriting abuse. From your comments, it would appear that there is nothing a man can do that is sinful before God, even violating their marriage contracts. If that is your belief, far be it from me to encourage you differently; that's between you and your wife. 


I did actually ask my husband about this and he said, "I look at other people's marriages with fear, as examples I'd rather not land in. I think people should agree together before they get married on expectations, and both partners should conform to those expectations. If they both want to watch porn together, fine; if they view that as infidelity, then they should hold to that." So, straight from my hunk of burning love. Neither one of us imagine that we are so righteous as to earn salvation through rigid adherence to details, missing the larger picture "if a man has not love" nothing matters.


I'm not sure if you are referring to the Scarlet Letter; I'm gathering you are calling me a whore or whatnot. That's fine, to be your opinion; any woman passionately into her husband would be by your definition. 


One question I have for you is, how are you like Christ to your wife? 

fidelity121
fidelity121

@TheGenerousHusband @fidelity121 I do believe he is sexually satisfied. I am not going to test that theory by depriving him but, I asked him if it were getting too much and he said no, it's just right. Then he did say something that disturbed me a bit - "I need the exercise anyway." I  was a little bit mortified to hear sex and exercise equated, as, to me, exercise is just a necessary evil. He then indicated that sex isn't relaxing until the end for him - until then it's a lot of effort, but added that it's one he enjoys. I think I was just surprised that he appeared (to me) to enjoy my giving him a "back scratch / massage" more than the actual sex, I think that's where the effort comment came up. I believe this is why he enjoys blow jobs so much, but, at the moment vomiting during the day from morning sickness, I'm not able to fully engage him on that level; I would not want to test my gag reflex in this condition. So there are some things that I could probably do better with him. I know he also has the desire to hurt me during sex, something he's constantly conflicted about; I'd like to give him this desire but, my pain tolerance is ridiculously low. He feels guilty about this but, I can see how it factors into the domination fantasies, and, I do want him to feel powerful, but, the actual execution is a little more difficult (kind of like the drug free labor fantasy - sounds great until you're dying for a way out). Several years ago, he did actually hurt me during sex kind of badly, to the point where I was bleeding later and I freaked out because I thought I might never be able to go to the bathroom without pain again. I was obviously over reacting but I called him a monster, something he holds against me to this day. Clearly, I do not feel his needs are monstrous, but it just goes to show how one over-reaction can lead to damaged intimacy over the years. I do fear that he may be bored by the "lighter" version of dominance/submission we regularly practice, but, it would be worse to try to promise something that I cannot fully deliver on. Worse, he has indicated to me that he wants me to actually enjoy the pain, and he realizes that since I am pain-averse that is impossible, that I would be pretending, which kills the whole thing for him. He says there's a difference between me enjoying the pain itself and me wanting to please him, so, a difficult desire to fulfill. He's never pushed the issue though, it just remains there - as a stretch goal.


At any rate, my husband views sex as part of a whole range of shared activities in our marriage. Fortunately or unfortunately, it's not the end all be all for him. I once cooked him chicken makhani (which takes about 2 hours to prepare from scratch), and I think in some joke he was saying that if he had to pick between the two he'd pick the dinner because it shows how much I love him given the effort put into it. Sometimes, I feel like sex is actually the "easiest" way to worship a man; it's so much harder to raise his kids as a fully involved/attentive/attachment-parenting Mom, to keep a clean house, to have organic food prepared, to manage bills and, if a person has energy after all of that, to add to the family income. Sometimes I feel the myth of fulfilling a man purely sexually is kind of a female fantasy borne out of a lack of courage to fully embroil oneself in the less glamorous tasks that are so much harder to deliver on with grace. Regardless what many hard core fundamentalists may think, I still feel a measure of guilt over quitting my job to stay with my son - my husband could have had funds for his business ideas and a lab in the basement - I reject the hypothesis that a woman's income is usually selfishly spent. Still, my husband helps me with this indicating that our son is more important than these things; neither of us felt comfortable with day care. 


fidelity121
fidelity121

@TheGenerousHusband @fidelity121 I grew from this mistake. I realized I'd gone for a man who, felt he was so great in and of himself, because of his ambition, and the state of success he had worked towards, that he no longer felt he needed to respect others. Certainly, any woman in his life was just free-loading off of his success. He could have so many women because of it, and this went to his head; he was incapable of commitment, and worse, had no basic empathy for others, or character. I decided right then and there that, from then on, character would be at the top of my list - character and fidelity. I really believe if the foundation is there, everything else lacking in a man can be built. That's what made me fall in love with my husband - he was a man of solid character; he had compassion and tenderness, not just for me, but for all life in general. He was poor, he was uneducated, he wasted his whole life in comics and gaming - but, I knew one thing right off the bat: here was a man who understood devotion, who I'd never have to wonder about, who actually only needed and wanted one woman - me - even in my worst state possible. I think when he met me I was a solid 20 lbs over what I am now, I'd dropped out of school, I had debt - I had nothing to offer him but myself. And it was enough for him. He treasured me like I was gold - even when I was nothing. 


When a woman feels real love, she becomes a powerhouse. She's free from her insecurities, and in her gratitude blooms real capacity for worship.  I know the way I helped my husband would never fly with fundamentalists like Deposed, and people of that ilk. Because I enrolled with my husband in engineering school, and I worked very very hard with him to compensate for all the lack of training he'd had in math; there was definitely tough love about the comics and the videogaming. And yes, I once even threw his laptop into the lake when I found out he'd not been studying. I realize that's not a woman's place - but, my husband wanted to succeed - and he had nobody to push him through. He needed focus, and that's what I provided. I truly feel a person can't be too married to their gender role - at some point - you are married to your actual spouse - and - at some point - you can't just be a cowering, weak female waiting for the man to find the right step; sometimes, to be a really strong female, you take his foot and you plant it there - not to be domineering, but to see him exalted in the end. My husband loves me for what I did for him, and when he graduated with a great GPA, the first in his family to go to college, I was so proud of him. When he got a NASA internship, my heart beamed. When he got hired full time at a Fortune 100 company, we were walking on air. I strongly believe I don't have the same fears as some women do - who marry men when they are already successful, or who are married by men when they are at their best. I already loved my husband at his worst; he already accepted me at mine. 
I do not regard myself as his equal; I came into this marriage, obviously, not being able to give him my first experience, which I squandered. He accepted me, and I did try to change not who he was - but his life circumstances. In an ideal universe, I would never have had to push him, or change him on any level. But we don't live in an ideal universe. I saw his life would be better not crushing his back in the factory system - and I knew to raise a family, especially on on income, a person needs to have a certain type of job to really make that work. Maybe that makes me a feminist, the dreaded "ill of society"; I was a woman engineer. I did work for a while, helping to pay off both my and my husband's college costs. I'm not ashamed of that. I don't think I took something away from my husband. Going to work was not some empowering thing. It was a thing done for the benefit of our family. 
I often wonder of this construct of ideal woman. It means so many things to different men. Submission too. Is it more honorable to watch your husband struggle on the sideline, honoring a social construct, or more honorable to step into the fight with him, and take some direct blows yourself? Is it more honorable to be silent, and let a man fall in his own vice, or, with gentleness and love, take his hand and pull out of the mire? Is passivity a virtue? What kind of mother would such a woman make? Can there be self-sacrifice without a self? 
I guess Deposed is right. I am a feminist. I am a feminist who cleans her husbands' clothes and house, cooks all his meals, washes his dishes, takes care of his kids, as frequent submissive sex with him, and lives dependent upon his income. But, I guess, for all the reasons mentioned above, I'm a feminist, in tow with all the loud talking, ball busting, "manly" alpha females. Quite a pickle.

fidelity121
fidelity121

@TheGenerousHusband @fidelity121 Sorry to be rambling but I wanted to add one last note. My list of negative attributes and possibly my rush to question the role of a man in his wife's sex drive comes mostly from my first experiences with a man. I thought, from the very vocal minority of men probably not unlike Deposed - that what a man truly wanted was submission from his mate, and to be honored, and accepted, and that if a woman but did these things, everything would fall into line. I actually found, the more submissive and tolerant of emotional abuse I was to him, the more it encouraged poor behavior. Towards the end, he became outright vicious - I strongly believe, simply because he felt he could - because my love was "guaranteed." I remember comments he used to make - specifically to wound like - "I ran in front of the tri delta sorority today without my shirt on - and they all hooted at me and stared me down - it was nice." "Why did you dye your hair blonde, just because I like blondes, that's pathetic, do you have no self esteem?" "You seriously saved up all semester just for a train ticket to come and see me? I just don't have the time"  - and then immediately afterwards he took a two week vacation to go on a trip to MIT with some of his friends. His phone rang while he was there and I could hear him flirting with some very self-confident girl on the other end. But all this was nothing compared to what he did at Thanksgiving. He came, and spent several hours with me looking over a wedding ring, had us pick it out together, took me to beach, told me this was the best time he'd had in his life, and that, surely it didn't matter if we consummated our marriage early. We would get married that December, so, why hold back from him, didn't I trust him? So, I did. I remember my mother warned me "this boy is shit - no man of worth talks about his mother that way" (his mother was a stay at home Mom, but also, I guess, had actually been a crack whore at some point - and, he told my Mom "she did nothing for me"); my Mom indicated that a man who does not even respect his own mother will surely not respect me but, I was in love and, silly parents, what did they know about this great man? My Mom cried when she found out that he had come to see me on Thanksgiving. She knew, I guess, what he was there for. I just remember her screaming over the phone "just don't sleep with him, don't sleep with him!" But I did. I had a whole meal prepared the next day, I wanted to give him a vision of how I would wait on him and treat him so well the rest of his life. He left and gradually, I heard less and less from him. The two weeks before Christmas, I heard absolutely nothing from him at all. I remember calling, just begging him to let me know if he were OK, if I had done something wrong, that if he were too scared about marriage right away, it was OK. Well he did call, Christmas Day. He told me he had met someone at the gym, told me she had firm size C breasts, and was 2 inches taller than me, and he was really sorry but, things had been developing and, he was going to be with her. How long had he known her? A month or so. I was having difficulty in school, probably because I was heavily distracted by this relationship, and, my life was too depressing for him to be associated with; he appreciated that I had been there when he was 50 lbs heavier and that girl wouldn't have looked twice at him but, that's an old him, and this is the new him so, that's that. I think that was the worst period in my life. But it was not over. Later, two months later, he called me up out of nowhere, saying, he'd made a terrible mistake, he was so sorry that he'd hurt me, he realized he wanted to be with me after all, and we'd get married, this time, right away, could I forgive him? And I thought, what does a good woman do - hold the faults of her man against him? Isn't a woman supposed to be characterized by grace and compassion and endless forgiveness? Isn't this the way to prove devotion - to even accept that a whore has entered the relationship, and to overlook it? He said he wanted to sleep with me, to be with me. I was wary though; I felt that, maybe he was just wanting ME to be the woman on the side. I knew his new girlfriend stalked my blog so I wrote what he said there. Sure enough, the next day, frantic calls from him "how could you write that?!" and, two weeks later, sobbing calls on my phone, that, could I just call his girlfriend, and tell her that I made it up out of spite. This was the LOVE of his LIFE, and even though he'd been terrible to me, could I just do this for him. Truthfully, by then, I was out of love for him. I know people like Deposed feel that, a woman's love should be endless, that she should somehow have grace irrespective of circumstance - but I'm sorry - you can kill love. You can torture a person until, every promise you make just is only a bitter slap, and even if they wanted to, they could never trust or love you again. Porn is one thing. Cheating on your significant other, is another. Really, I was not graceful in my act of calling this woman. People thought I had sunk to another level of self-debasement, but by then, I hated her to the point that, I wanted to curse her with a life with him. I knew he was not capable by then of fidelity. And since she was so comfortable in stepping into my life and taking away the thing that was most significant to me - I thought, I would return the favor, and help her bond with a man who is born to destroy women. I called her up and sang his praises, told her I was just some crazy bitch who was jealous and wrote all that just to hurt her, how he'd be good to her, how he was a fine man. She seemed so relieved. So I'm not a very good Christian, but who could have the strength to be honest in that situation? Bitter would not begin to describe the level of inhuman pain I was in. And to this day I don't understand how a man could be so heartless - and I truly believe some men - you can't please - you can't fulfill them - and the more you try, you only just hurt yourself. And I don't even believe that exercise is honorable to God. It's just a waste. It has taken years but I am thankful to some degree for what happened, simply in that I am not married to such a man, endlessly stuck in a cycle of pain.

JonadabTheRecobite
JonadabTheRecobite

@fidelity121 @Deposed


I'm not calling you anything and I deplore Hawthorne.  I was making a snide comment in response to yours not seeing the world as black and white.  The Bible can be very black and white ethically speaking, the red-letter edition is an attempt by some publishers to draw attention to the words spoken by Jesus. 


Dr. John Frame stated it very well when he said Christian ethics is the application of God's Word to people in situations. 


Your assertion that men can do anything before God and not be sinful is false witness on your part and a slander.   I actually think men are held by God to account for their sins of omission (like not ruling his wife well) and commission like undo harshness to a wife who is not in submission.   Ommission like Not loving her by admonishment with the Word or allowing her feminist discontent and rebellion to grow unchecked.  Commission like  holding on to bitterness, abusive words that are nit intended to edify but cause pain and forsaking the wife of one's youth or skirt chasing etc.  All sin all bad, I'll thank you not to defame me with that slander again.


BTW- good job asking your husband, it showed fidelity to 1 Corinthians 24:35.  Just saying!

fidelity121
fidelity121

@Deposed @fidelity121 Sorry, was not trying to put words in your mouth, only to see if you did have areas where you felt men should be accountable. Sorry for being presumptive on that. 


Thanks for clarifying about the red letter Bibles...I now realize what you were alluding to - we do have a version with the red lettering as well. I do value Jesus' commentary.


Thanks for the compliment about asking my husband; I always want to know what he thinks.

jayaydee
jayaydee

@Deposed @fidelity121  Deposed, you are seriously over the top. The 'mood' of your comments betray you. You seem more along the lines of the Scribes and Pharisees than any reflection of what Jesus Christ espoused. You're treading a dangerous line in your private interpretation and self-righteous regurgitation of Scripture. Just thought you should know how you sound. God bless.

HusbandLover
HusbandLover

@fidelity121 Thank you.  If only men could truly understand this and not try to defend themselves (to themselves) and quit blaming their wife.  Most men are self-centered even though they believe they aren't.  If they were wife-centered (being Christ-centered first and foremost) instead, there would be no sex issue to deal with. Be the leader, love your wife like Christ loved the church, listen to her needs ...then just do it.     I have been married 32 years, my husband is a good man, a christian, but still doesn't get it even though I have told him many times what I need, so that I  can give him what he needs.  It is very depressing, I love him but don't desire him.   I cannot make myself desire him,  but I could if he would return to the ways he loved me and treated me when I fell in love with him.  It would take sustained and intentional effort, which he cannot seem to find, even though he finds time for it elsewhere.  No one wins.

JonadabTheRecobite
JonadabTheRecobite

Isaac you are likely another victim of the feminist directive.  The church is unwilling to teach some offensive to the world sections from the Bible in order to tickle the ears of women.  They call husbands to headship while making the true emphasis of the epistles of wife's submission of none effect.  Women are considered to the spiritual gender because they eat up the twisting of Scripture and the Jesus is my girlfriend motif.  Ever since Augustine became celibate to avoid sexual temptation instead of obeying scripture to marry instead of burning the church has denigrated the sexuality of males; instead venerating the virgin,  (woman) worshiping the female and neutering men in front of thier wives with messages of male submission.  Movies like Fireproof that remove moral agency from women and make men subject to the feelings of thier wives is the ubiquitous message of the church. 


It is time for a new man up message, but not really a new but the old Biblical one.  Husbands rule your households well, with your wife in subjection to the authority of Christ in you. Man up and tell her according to Peter and Paul that refusal or holding back sexually to her husband is an act of cosmic defiance and demonic reordering of God's revealed will.  She should be taught that marriage is the rightful context for sex, not love or feelings.  (By feelings the church, Hollywood and culture means her feelings, not your feeling of desire, your feelings don't count after all according to the feminist directive. )  


Sir I mean no offense to you personally, only God's best for you, but stop trying to buy your wife's affection.  It makes her a prostitute and you a slave to her feelings.  Instead lead her according to the Word of God.  You must become not just in rank, but in practice the commander of your home, not for narricistic motives, but to honor God and sanctify your wife.  Yes she is not more holy due to her gender, but weaker. Remember Adam was condemned for giving in to please his wife when God had instructed him differently.  God held Adam culpable for not correcting Eve.  Likewise if you continue to give in and subordinate your authority to her feelings, God will hold you culpable because you were instructed differently.   If she continues to regulate sex take her to the elders, if they are white knight manginas who reflexively protect the wife and blame the man, stand up to them and call them to repentance according to the Bible.  In other words - learn the Word and play the man, trust in Christ and by faith apprehend that even this is designed for your ultimate good.  

jayaydee
jayaydee

@Deposed  Why is it that you seem to forget that Christ was called the Second Adam? He forsook Glory to seek after and redeem His Bride. Adam forfeit Eden for the love of his wife, foreshadowing Christ. There is something sinister and warped in your view of what manly leadership and the wife's submission really is, according to the Bible. You need to pray about this and let God give you a balance and wisdom in the Scripture. Know the Author, not just the script.

IsaacHolden
IsaacHolden

Every article about why women don't want sex is all about what the husband is doing wrong. What crap. I work 9 hrs a day, i do the handoff to and from the nanny and care for the kids the extra two hoits until she gets home. I do the garbage, lawn care, my share of the cleaning, laundry, and dishes. I work out twice a week and am in the best shape of my life at 37. I want sex and I am doing everything right and still not getting it. My wife is too busy and she comes home cranky and tired and frigid as an ice cube. She needs to get her act together or I'm outta here. I'm a great dad and a good man and I know for a fact that I deserve better.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@IsaacHolden Given that I am talking to men here, I figure telling them what they can do to change things is the best plan. When I write to women, I talk about what they can change. For example, two years ago I wrote a post on this blog to women - http://bit.ly/PhbUjc .

Your anger may or may not be justified, but it is not helping your situation. I doubt you are as near perfect as you think, just as your wife is not as near perfect as she thinks. You can each keep blaming the other, and end up divorced and then in new bad marriages, or you can both work on your own stuff.

fidelity121
fidelity121

@IsaacHolden No good man would rip his children away from their mother unless she were doing something grievously wrong to them. As a corollary, no good woman would rip a man's children away from him unless  he were doing something grievously wrong to them. It's one thing to cast one's wife in a dishonorable light (even if it is a real depiction of her) - it's another to threaten to break up your children's chances of happiness. When you have a child, neither of you matter as much as the children; a truly generous and great man, would never have to be told that.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@fidelity121 @IsaacHolden I agree with you on taking a child from their other parent. Sadly many do not see it that way. We are so about our own happiness we are willing to destroy our children in the name of our own interests. We do it both by divorce and by refusing to fully engage in our marriages. 

Longinghubby
Longinghubby

I don't want to belittle anyone but most these reasons are crap.

Too tired: Myself included it will literally take less then 10mins. Suck it up not just for your husband but yourself. There's a good chance you will enjoy it and the more you do it the better it gets normally.

To late got to get up early: That's crap refer to "Too tired". 10 mins won't make or break your morning and will likely make you sleep better.

No emotional connection: sex is filled with emotion, hormones, endorphins... I believe the physical will lead to emotional. That's why there's love at first sight. "Man I'd love to bang that hottie" bad example but point made. Build emotion on the physical.

Stressed: Sex relieves stress. Scientific fact. Unless there's like a abuse history or something. By the by. I am not a doctor or anything.

He's been rude RECENTLY: Really are you five. Get over it. If not then own him. Call him into the bedroom lock the door tell him to get to licking. Make him pay a lil. But not to much. I he likes it to much he'll be rude all the time.

Pain: Pending physical issue, and not to be rude, things stretch some and get better. Remember your first time.

He thinks everything is ok: Well then talk to him tell him it's not. Resolve the issue and get to humping. You can't be angry for ever. Sex does help some issues. If the issues are that bad get counseling.

Take to long to climax: Another fact... In general the more you has sex the easier it is to get there for women. For men it's the other way. More sex more stamina. If nothing else teach your man how to get you there. If you teach him you will come. Field of dreams reference, boom.

I don't like how I look: My experience says I don't like how I look means I don't feel sexy. For starters if he wants sex from you it means you turn him on ie. he finds you sexy. Also sex is sexy, unless it's dirty and nasty. Then it's really sexy. More so, sex is exercise and fun sooo... It will burn calories, tighten things up, and if your man wanting doesn't make you feel good then I don't know what to say.

It's all he wants from me: Here's another bad analogy... Think of your body like a bacon dog treat. Just walking and strutting threw the house looking all tasty. Got the dog drooling like crazy. Got the dog going nuts humping pillows and stuff. Then it's bed time and you put the treat back in the drawer right next to where the dog sleeps. All night that dog is gonna dream about the bacon treat and how great it would to just lick it till there's no flavor left in it. See what I do there. ;)

So long story short. At some point you fell in love with this man. Lusted over him. Thought of nothing else but getting home to him. Then marriage, bills, kids, and on and on more excuses. And that's what they are, excuses. Stop making excuses let him enjoy you an more so you enjoy him, sexually. Remember sex is FUN. Waxing an plucking body hair is not fun but you make time for that.

One last thing. Sex makes men feel like a man!! An awesome man!! So if he upset or mad or grumpy, whatever it will improve his mood. Therefore very likely improving how you feel and how the marine is going and it should make you feel good know that's because of you and what you did. Yet another scientific fact!!

john71
john71

So freaking true...I wish my wife would believe this. I just gave up trying to have sex with her..because when I do try and have sex with her she keeps telling me no. So I stopped trying.

saltlakehosting
saltlakehosting

@Longinghubby


If after all THIS WORK, it still doesn't solve the problem, get a NEW wife. Preferably younger and more interested. Just be careful with the gold diggers.  If men have to do all this work just have a normal sex life, it's time to call it quits or learn to live in a sexless marriage.  By golly, where are the articles about what WOMEN need to do to please their man? 

HamptonAthens
HamptonAthens

@Longinghubby I wish I could send this message to my wife.  I just turned 70, she is 64.  We have been together since she was 26 and my sex drive was and is strong.  I need her physically now more than ever--I guess a fear that my sex life won't last that much longer.  So now I want it every other day and that drivers her crazy.  She's used to once a week and over in 10 minutes.  That doesn't work any more.  I want to be with her sexually almost every day and she doesn't want to do that.  We have a loving marriage and respect each other.  She just doesn't understand why this change but doesn't like talking about sex at all..  I was her first sexual relationship so she has no history.

tryinghusband
tryinghusband

pretty much the way I feel about it. Although asuming there in no abuse or adultery. at best it's a medical issue that they should be seeking medical help for, if not for herself atleast for her husband. And at worst it's a way of controlling over the man just for kicks or as some way of punishment for some wrong perceived or real. Or it's even more childishly because she didn't get her way about something

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