Non-sexual touch and sex

June 24, 2012

in Better Sex in 2012, Links to good stuff, Sexuality, Survey Says ..., Understanding Her

This is one of the most significant and potentially marriage-changing posts I’ve ever done. It’s simple, it’s easy, and it can have a massive effect on your bride, your marriage, and your sex life. Please take this seriously, and give it a real try.

I’ve often said that non-sexual touch is necessary for a woman to want and enjoy sexual touch, and now I have a survey that supports that conclusion. The survey is not perfect – it would have been good to have options to say, “I don’t want more touch”. As is, this applies to women who want more touch, but that is something other surveys have shown to be true for most wives.

Graphic generated by surveymonkey.com

The touch she wants

  • What jumps out on this is that big orange slice: three-fourths of women said a touch as hubby walked past was something they desire. This is not a difficult thing; it takes almost no effort and only seconds to do. A brief touch on the arm, a passing grasp of her hand, or a pat on the butt if that’s okay with her. Simple, easy, and very powerful. Do this a number of times a day and you tell her you are always aware of her, always thinking of her, and always desiring intimacy with her. Most women are desperate to feel that way about their husband!
  • Second, at more than half, was his arm around her. Be it while walking or sitting, this is a powerful form of touch for a woman. I suspect there is a safe and protected aspect to this form of touch. Additionally, it shows the world you love her, and it makes her feel especially good in public because it tells her you are not ashamed of loving her in front of others.
  • A little less than half the ladies cited kissing during the day (as opposed to as foreplay). Trust me on this; it is almost impossible to kiss your wife more than she wants. You can even throw in some heavy kissing and a bit of gentle groping on occasion, if you do a lot of kissing. “Some very long kisses” was mentioned by over a third of the women, so some are specifically looking for more than a peck!
  • The rest that made the pie chart (more in the full results below) were all chosen by a little over one-third of the women. I think this shows individuality, and tell you that you will need to do some trial and error to find what your bride wants and enjoys the most. “Sitting in his lap” was chosen by only one woman in ten, but for some of those it may be a huge thing, and maybe a turn-on as well.
  • The responses on massage are interesting; with shoulder rub being highest rated, then full body massage, back rub, and finally foot rub. Again, this is showing preference. Some women probably chose all four, while others only wanted one kind. Shoulders are a good choice because it releases pain and stress, and it is intimate without being in your face sexual. In the second section one lady commented “Foot-rubs = Foreplay…..I just can’t get him to realize it! :)” – take a lesson men!
Graphic generated by surveymonkey.com

How more touch would affect her sexually

The orange slice is significant in this chart as well – this time because it is so small. Only one woman said more touch would not change her sexually! All the rest said they thought more touch would result in wanting or enjoying sex more.

  • Combining those who think they would be more open to sex, and those who think they would be open to a lot more sex includes just under half the women. Combining those who thought they would want more sex with those who thought they would want a lot more sex results in 60%! Non-sexual touch is clearly a great way to increase sex in a marriage!
  • Adding those women who think more touch would result in them enjoying sex more, and those who think it would mean they enjoy sex a lot more, is just over 50%. This may not make sense to those of us with male minds, but clearly half the women think more non-sexual touch means enjoying sexual touch more.
  • The most picked single answer, chosen by over a third, was “I would feel less used”. If a man only touches his wife when he’s having or seeking sex, is it any wonder she feels that’s all he wants? This is one of those places where actions speak far louder than words!

The numbers:

Women – other than sexual contact, what physical touch would you like more of from your husband?

Touching me as he walks past 75.7%
His arm around me 56.8%
Many kisses during the day 43.2%
Shoulder rubs 43.2%
Snuggling laying down 43.2%
Holding hands 40.5%
Back rubs 37.8%
Some very long kisses 37.8%
Snuggling sitting down 37.8%
Full body massage 35.1%
More hugs 35.1%
Laying on him while we watch TV 35.1%
Some very long hugs 35.1%
Sitting closer (on the couch, at a restaurant …) 29.7%
Foot rubs 27.0%
Wrestling 13.5%
Sitting in his lap 10.8%

Other answers:

  • Feeding each other, rest my head on his belly
  • NOT randomly groping me.. my husband likes to do this even non-sexually.

 

Women: How do you think more non-sexual touch would affect your interest in sex?

I would feel less used 36.4%
I think I would be open to more sex 33.3%
I think I would want more sex 30.3%
I think I would want a lot more sex 30.3%
I think I would enjoy sex a lot more 30.3%
I think I would enjoy sex more 21.2%
I think I would be open to a lot more sex 15.2%
No change 3.0%

Other answers:

  • I think it would make me think about sex more
  • I would feel more wanted
  • it is easier to be in the mood when the thought is there all day, rather than just at bedtime
  • it would make me feel more wanted and loved
  • For my hubby be more patient & understanding that I am trying & not being stagnant
  • It would simply be an outgrowth of the whole physical affection thing. It would feel like a seamless transition.
  • Foot-rubs = Foreplay…..I just can’t get him to realize it! :)
  • I’m in the desert. THere is no sex. Hubby has medical condition. I am not a happy woman. So redundant question. I haven’t had sex in 2.5 years. I’d like to have sex 3 times a day for the next year just to make up for not having any.

 Graphic generated by surveymonkey.com

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

A Grown Up Marriage

It’s Called SELF-Confidence for a Reason ◄ Interesting thoughts, well worth a read.


Black and Married with Kids

Another Type of Sex to Add to Your List ◄ This is a good one!


The Generous Wife

Marriage in a Bucket ◄ Got a marriage bucket list? Get one!
Lights Out ◄ Another voice for more marriage via less technology.
The Freedom to Fail ◄ I am SO glad my bride has given me this gift!


Hot, Holy and Humorous

What Is Sex? ◄ It might be more than you think!


Intimacy in Marriage

Do You Have Sexual Blind Spots? ◄ Great question!


Journey to Surrender

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions ◄ Scott takes on one of the few places where I disagree with His Needs, Her Needs author Dr. Willard Harley.
Tough Decisions (Part 2) ◄ Exactly!


Marriage Missions International

Ten Great Tips ◄ Ten each for husbands and wives.


mission:husband

PROTECT Your Marriage! ◄ Great post! How are you doing in the areas mentioned?


One Flesh Marriage

Flirt ◄ Not as innocent as you may think!
Flirt Like You Mean It! ◄ Kate suggest flirting is good – when done with your spouse!


Pearl’s OysterBed

Make Love to Your Wife, Not Your Iphone ◄ What, playing on the smartphone is not turning her on? Who knew!


Simple Marriage

Remember to Touch ◄ A nice fit with today’s post.


Stupendous Marriage

Questions and Answers about Marriage ◄ Another great podcast.

4 comments
feidlimid athol
feidlimid athol

nope nope nope.  my wife constantly dodges my attempts at physical contact and affection.  im not an unattractive man.  i could be out looking for an affair right now instead of thinking of suicide because my wife is so selfish.  but i dont want that.  i want her and she doesnt even appreciate that after more than a decade of marriage.  yeah she wants to cuddle.  but guess what?  my genitalia is on the outside of my body and i get aroused the majority of the time when cuddling.  my hands are constantly smacked away or she squirms when i advance.  some women are just too selfish to tell their husband they are not interested in them anymore.  they are afraid of losing the labrador theyve spent years training.  if a guy is abusive or something then they throw him out.  but when he is just taken for granted and psychologically mistreated that is just unethical.  its abuse to any persons right to be happy.  life is short.  i hope i dont kill myself.  but if i do i hope she reads this.

Rick
Rick

It appears as if the survey is still active as the numbers have leveled off about from what you quote in your article. I don't think it drastically changes your message, but it is definitely different.

Dawn
Dawn

Non-sexual physical touch is one of the benefits of dancing with your spouse. And several reliable sources indicate that it positively benefits your sexual relationship, as mentioned in this post: http://wp.me/ppXmN-2I

A husband
A husband

As a guy with a primary love language of physical touch, I can tell you that this is important. My wife does not speak physical touch and refuses to do so even though I have repeatedly ask. I can tell you IT HURTS! My wife tells me she loves me, but I can't hardly feel it from the pain I feel from the lack of touch and it is salt in the wound when I ask her to do more touch and she still does not do it.

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