Too busy for good sex

June 30, 2012

in Sexuality

Woman asleep on couch. © Martin Allinger |

She’s not dreaming of sex …

This week’s posts came about because of the number of women indicated they said no to sex because they were too tried, which is mostly about being too busy. Today I want to differentiate between being too busy for sex, and being too busy for good sex.

For men these two may be the same – as long as we can make a few minutes for sex, we can have good sex. This is not the case for the vast majority of women. For a woman to really enjoy sex she needs time to slow down, set things aside, and get her head into a sexual place. Women also need a relationship connection for sex to be desired and enjoyed, and such a connection requires a good bit of non-sexual time with her man. She can function for a while on the past, but if you don’t share time with her for too long it will start to affect her sexually.

Additionally, women are not “turned on” as fast as men, and being tired or stressed makes it even worse. Tiredness and stress also get in the way of having an orgasm, making it difficult, more effort than it is worth, or just plain impossible. 

I have said this before, and I will keep saying it – busyness is a sure way to ruin your sex life. In order to keep wanting and enjoying sex, your bride must have time with you, and she must have enough sleep and time to relax. This is not an issue of her holding sex hostage till she gets what she wants; being tired and busy affects her sexuality in ways she cannot control. If she is too busy and sex is really important to you, you must work to make changes. If you do not work for those changes, either you don’t get it, or sex is not that important to you.

This is one of seven posts about busyness:

The sin of busyness? 
Too busy because too much is too important
Playing “the kids” card
Employment and priorities 
Too busy for good sex 
When church/ministry makes you too busy

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For years, I've been searching for someone I can talk to and get honest, real advice. I'm glad I stumbled upon this site. In a nutshell, I am in a sexless marriage. I am a man, only 38 years old, and have a sexual appetite that is only rivaled by porn stars. When we first got together, sex was amazing. I was very satisfied. 10 years and 2 kids later, all I ever hear is "I'm tired". We both work full time, and we both get stressed by our professions, but I see sex as a stress reliever, whereas she sees sex as a chore. I'd like to think I'm a great husband and a great father to our kids. She hangs out with her girlfriends regularly, and without any obstruction from me. Financially, we're comfortable and we easily cover our bills each month. Our kids are young, and I'm usually the one who takes them out to the park, and enjoy other activities; I don't mind it, because I enjoy being with our kids. I do plenty of house chores, and have no issue taking care of the kids. I've never ever been abusive in any way to my wife. I keep myself in excellent shape, usually hitting the gym 5 days/week. We eat healthy, and, for the most part, we communicate well. Compared to many stories I've read, or heard, I'm a dream husband. I'm the husband I've always envisioned myself to be. She has never complained about my lack of anything...

I'm an Alpha Male, meaning, I can't sit back and wait for things to happen. I feel like I've tried everything I can think of. I tried having her best friend talk to her on my behalf. I tried having her closest cousin talk to her on my behalf. We tried sex therapy, together. We tried marriage counseling, together. I've given her books and articles to read. Nothing but the same old line, "I'm tired".

When my wife says no, I feel rejected. I've told her that, and she doesn't react to it. I would be satisfied to be having regular sex with my wife 3 times/week. Every time I request, the answer is no. I honestly don't think she's cheating on me because I know her schedule well, and she is not very careful and would be caught rather easily. I've told her, very bluntly, "If you won't make any effort to satisfy me, please believe me, someone else will". All she did was roll her eyes and walk away. I was rather surprised by her lack of a response. A few weeks later, I tried to be even more clear, and even more blunt, and said, "If you're OK with me having a discreet sex partner, a woman you'd never know about, we can work that arrangement." Again, eye roll, and walk away. I would think either of these statements would create some sort of reaction, but absolutely nothing. I am a man of my word, and if I say something is going to happen, it's going to happen. 

So, I've felt like I've had no other option but to satisfy my own needs with other women. I wish I didn't have to, but I'm a young, very healthy man, with a super strong sexual appetite. I tried everything I could think of. I lay in bed at night, tormented. I literally pray to GOD to give my wife just 1 ounce of libido, but there's is zero sexual desire out of her; perhaps less than zero. 

Some have wondered why not just get a divorce. I grew up in a single parent home, and there is NO WAY I would do that to my own children. So the way I see things, I have 3 options:

1. Practice celibacy and be angry and sexually frustrated. I did not sign up for celibacy when I got married

2. Get divorced, but like I explained, that is not an option for me

3. Take care of myself like I've been doing

So in reality, I have 1 real option. Option 3 helps me keep my sanity and, while I know it's not a permanent fix, its a working temporary fix that keeps the mood light in the house. I'm in search of any other way to resolve this issue. It pains me greatly to lay in bed every night with a woman that I married, but can't touch. It's so unbelievably frustrating. I sincerely wish I didn't have to have another woman, but what other option do I have? 

I look forward to your response.


I think this is a huge problem for us.... I have been with my husband for 15years, with 5 kids together... The oldest is 12 and the youngest is 6. I work full time at the hospital and he owns his own body shop. He chooses to work till late a lot of the time... To where I am doing everything with the kids all the time. When he is home, he will watch tv not really helping with them... He goes out a lot with out me, since I do not havea babysitter.... My point is: He will want sex super late when I am exhausted or early before work when I am rushing???? I LOVE SEX!!! But I am not always feeling it with him.. I am honestly either really tired, or hurt and not being turned on enough. He does not even want to spend much time alone with me..unless it is for sex, The moment I finally lay down in the bed ..He will begin touching me, but no talking....

I don't know what to do anymore.... He says I am not pleasuring him enough, and I want too, I need pleasure too... But I just think there is something very wrong here....

I am not just a sex object, and just because I am a woman does not mean I should be the only one helping with kids...

He also involves his mother a lot in our marriage or shares TOO much information with his family...

I miss sex and love... but I am not enjoying this kind.... HELP???

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@believejmw You have laid out the problem clearly. The question is why he does not see it, or is unwilling to do anything about it.

I suspect the problem developed over years, a bit at a time. You both probably ignored or downplayed little changes until they added up to a big problem. Reversing all those little changes is a lot of work, and it takes both of you.

It comes down to what each of you wants and how much you want it. Does he want sex enough to do what it will take for you to want it and enjoy it? Is he willing to give you more time before there is more sex? Are you willing to give him more sex before he starts spending more time with you?

If you can both be fully honest about what you want, maybe you can work towards something better. If not, you need third party help.


Very good article with exceptionally good insight. One thing troubles me. I find the pervasive assumption that "any sex" is good sex for men is way off base and is simply not true. It has always troubled me that men are so often characterized in christiandom as mindless, humping sex canines that will take any bone thrown at them. It is a common tone in most writings from christian sources. I have been married...only for 5 years and now divorced. But one of the things that has helped me stay celibate is the fact that sex in my marriage was uninteresting and so is casual premarital sex. I have found the same to be said by many men I have counseled. They aren't having sex in their marriages because their mates have bought into the idea that interesting a man in sex only requires a willing wife. We need just as much of "warming up" as women. If this truth is more openly conveyed to women, the rate of adultery in the church may see a marked decline. Just my opinion.

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@preacherskid I feel as you do, but many men do not. We have a survey out this week asking men and women how long it takes to have "good sex". A couple of men commented "any sex is good sex". 

I suspect a big part of this is men being so sex starved quality means little to them. The more starved we are, the low our standards for what passes as edible. Sex can be the same way.

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