Oral Sex: Survey says ..

July 14, 2012

in Sexuality, Survey Says ...

NOTE: Stats and graphs updated Oct 19th 2012.

Time for the results of the survey on oral sex. We had 309 women and 759 men answer. How much does this survey reflect the real world? The vast majority who answered are married followers of Jesus. I think it is also safe to say the vast majority are sex positive Christians – only 4.2% of the ladies and 0.1% of the men thought oral sex was morally wrong. With that in mind…

chart from surveymonkey.com

Ladies thoughts on doing their husband orally:

  • The majority of women say they like to performing oral sex on their husband. Fifty percent said they enjoy it because he does. Forty-one percent  really like it and get turned on doing it, and 16% say they love it and it drives them wild to do it. Don’t feel bad asking, she may be happy to do it.
  • Seventeen percent don’t like it, but do it “for him”. Nothing wrong with that, but if this is your wife, limit how often she does it and let her know how much it blesses you.
  • The biggest problem was ejaculation, with just over a quarter saying they doing oral except for ejaculation. Ask her to start with her mouth and finish some other way.
  • Nine percent complained their guy want them to finish him orally when they would rather have intercourse and 8% are afraid if they do it, he will want nothing else. Let her know you like it, but it’s not the only thing you like.
  • Seven percent can’t tell if he is enjoying it, 8% are afraid they can’t do it right, and 8% feel stupid when the do it. Show your appreciation!
  • Four percent say it brings up bad memories. Time may change this, but pushing her to try will only make it worse.
  • Seven percent  think it would be okay if he washed first. REALLY guys? Come on!
  • Eleven percent  think it’s gross. I wonder how many of those also said they don’t like ejaculation or their guy does not wash? If she says it’s gross, ask if there is a way you could make it less gross.
chart from surveymonkey.com
Ladies thoughts on being done orally by their husband:
 
  • Thirty-six percent  like how excited their husband gets by doing it. She enjoys you enjoying it – and it probably makes her feel less selfish about it. If you like it, let her know how much you like it!
  • Thirty-six percent like it as foreplay, but would rather finish with intercourse. Most women like intercourse (Even among those who never climax from it, most feel a need for it.) If you want to do oral on her, make it clear it’s her choice how things end.
  • Twenty-five percent are only open to it if they just showered, 17% can’t understand why he is willing to do it, and 8% say they feel gross when he does it. This is a major block to women accepting oral sex, and to enjoying it if they do accept it. Work to convince her you do not find it gross, but actually enjoy it (see the men’s stats below for help with that).
  • Eighteen percent said it was their favourite sex act. You need to know if your bride is one of these, and if she is make oral part of most sex acts.
  • Thirteen percent like to climax orally if he finishes before she does during intercourse. Don’t make her ask, go for it.
  • Ten percent say they don’t get oral nearly as often as they would like. Ask your bride if she wants a bit more oral, or a lot more oral.
  • Eleven percent enjoy oral, but can’t climax from from it. If she can’t get there from oral, give her some pleasure then move on. Don’t make it a point of pride!
  • Eight percent said it’s the only sure way they can climax, and 4% said it’s the only way they can climax at all. If this is your bride, give her what she needs!
 
chart from surveymonkey.com
 
The men’s thoughts on doing their wife (written for her edification):
 
  • Forty-five percent of men love the smell/taste, and another 34% like it. That means 79% of men ENJOY how a woman’s genitals taste and smell. What’s more, only 4% said they dislike the smell/taste.
  • Sixty-eight percent of men say doing it turns them on. Only 2% said they do it but don’t like it. So it’s not “just for her” – he enjoys it.
  • Fourteen percent want to try, but are told no.
  • Ten percent would like to do it to orgasm, but she says no. Only 6% like to do it but don’t want to finish her that way. Ladies, don’t feel selfish, he wants to!
 
chart from surveymonkey.com
 
And finally men’s thoughts on their wife giving them oral:
 
  • Forty percent want it more often. But keep reading.
  • Thirty-one percent don’t care if she swallows or not, 27% would like it but it’s not important to them, and 4% don’t want her to swallow. That’s two thirds who are fine with you not swallowing. Only 8% said swallowing was important to them.
  • Twenty-three percent want it only for foreplay, preferring to finish with intercourse. Conversely, 11% say it’s their favourite sex act. Ladies, a few men may only want oral, but they are the minority.
  • Twenty-three percent get oral sex, but not to climax.
  • Twenty-one percent say they enjoy how excited she gets doing it. Fifteen percent feel she is just going through the motions. Attitude is a big part of oral sex.
  • Fourteen percent say her not doing it is a minor problem for their sex life, while 5% say it’s a major problem. However, this is more than half of those not getting it, so for those being told no it’s an issue.
  • Eight percent worry they are using their wife when she does oral. Ladies, don’t do it if you feel used, and let him know you would not if you did.

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32 comments
Ginabella
Ginabella

We're having a hard time over this. I used to love giving oral, so much! The feel, the taste, his dominance, swallowed or on my face, the rougher the better! Then there was this period of time where he kept having me do that every day instead of anything else. He didn't see a problem because he was getting his release but I wasn't getting any and I wanted intercourse too, I have a very high libido. I started developing a bad taste in my mouth for it, metaphorically, haha. I didn't say anything at first because, well, it's just not me to complain, and I liked making him happy. It got to the point where I just had to say to him, "You're doing this so much I'm starting to not like it". He was very understanding and apologized that he hadn't noticed the lack of sex and we took a break from me giving him oral and started having intercourse again. But it was too late. A switch had been flipped in my brain and to this day, over 2 years later, I just don't like it anymore :( and I really wish I did. 


I give him oral sex probably 1-3 times per month now. He calls this "never" which infuriates me. I never say no when he asks me for it, but he has a hard time asking because he knows I don't like it anymore. On rare occasion I'll really like it, about once every 3 months. These are the only times he "counts" and he feels this is a major problem. He blames me, guilts me, pressures me, compares me to exes, starts fights over it, sleeps on the couch over it, makes me feel inadequate, feels unappreciated because of it, etc. I defend myself, remind him of the times I did give him oral that he "forgets" or doesn't count, and make it known that hey, this is something I lost too, something I used to love that's now gone, and at least I'm still doing it to make him happy when he asks for it.


He loves receiving oral so much he could have it all day every day, and he's one to think it's a major problem if he's not getting it at the very least 3 times per month.


As far as intercourse goes, he gets that anytime and I enjoy it, usually 5x per week, I could go for more! We're both sexually adventurous and kinky and without giving TMI there's lots we do to keep things interesting.


Regarding him pleasing me orally, we both don't like that, never have, even though we've tried it many times. There's like 5 reasons I don't like it so I won't get into that now. 


So what should we do to fix this?

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@Ginabella In his defence he did not create the problem. In your defence it sounds like he is over reacting to the situation. It sounds like you have owned your part, I don't know that he has owned his part.


That you do occasionally enjoy it now suggests you could get back to enjoying it all the time. That would leave the original problem, which is he was getting what he wanted and needed while you were not.


I would try to define what each of you needs. How often do you each want to climax, and how do you want to do it. Do you enjoy him brining you to climax in ways other than intercourse? Would you both be okay with you doing oral on him after he does something for you? Can he have intercourse to your climax without him climaxing? If so, have intercourse, then give him oral. 

Could you make one day a week oral sex for him day? He is expected to do something for you if you want it, but the primary sex act on that day is all about oral for him. Then you get a day when it is all about what you want. You each get what you most want the way you want it one day a week, and the rest of the time you look for something in the middle.

Ginabella
Ginabella

@TheGenerousHusband @Ginabella


Thank you for your quick reply, I really appreciate it. 


I read another post here that talked about what to do and not do when your wife doesn't want to do a sexual act, and he's done everything on the don't-do list. I think the way he's handled this is damaging things further instead of helping me get back to enjoying it again. Especially the fights. He has tried not bringing it up for as long as he could, but not long enough for me. And if he doesn't bring it up he'll start fights over other things that don't even make sense because what he's upset about is me not liking giving him oral, so it just makes things confusing and hurtful.


I don't feel it's necessary to go tit-for-tat in every sexual act, though there does need to be some sort of balance, as we both can't go longer than 5 days without climax. He recharges once per day, I'm always charged and have climaxed as many as 10 times in a few hours before I've had enough, but typically I climax 1-3 times per day and usually via my massage toy. He can make me climax with his hands and we do that a lot though it makes me feel awkward when he's pleasing me sexually without me pleasing him. A lot of what turns me on is knowing how good he feels, so in these situations I have to use my imagination to climax. With intercourse I don't have to use my imagination as much, because I feel his dominance and masculinity and I know he's enjoying himself, two main ingredients for me to climax.


For me it's not all about the climax, it's about mental stimulation, flirting, the mood, the context, etc. Before, during, and after. I could use more effort from him on this. Even when I use my toy, it's my imagination that's making it happen. There's been plenty of times where I'll use my toy as I'm giving him oral and I climax, which he loves, but the only reason I'm climaxing is because I'm imagining that he's doing something sexy, instead of it being real. I'm doing that work. If I tell him what to do to make it sexy for me, it takes all the sexiness out of it, since whatever I'm imagining it always involves him being dominant, and me telling him what to do is the opposite of that.


I don't mind trading him giving me a backrub and me giving him oral. But it doesn't make me 'like' giving oral, and the whole problem is me not liking it. He doesn't enjoy it as much if I don't love it, in fact he won't even count it. I've tried just faking my enjoyment but it's just not the same.


I could try making one day per week oral sex day for him, and I'm going to try it. I like the idea because I think it would make him happy with me and stop him from starting fights with me. But to be honest just thinking about that kind of makes me frustrated and I'm not entirely sure why. I think it makes me mad that he has to have that in order to be happy with me. Makes me feel used and unloved. Him pleasing me sexually in return doesn't right it either, in fact just makes me feel awkward. I don't know what I would want in return. This whole thought makes me feel like shutting down. I guess I will offer this in exchange for him never saying anything negative about me giving him oral ever again. Gosh, I'm getting all upset now. Maybe I'm being too sensitive and childish and need a break from this. I do want to fix this though.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@Ginabella @TheGenerousHusband I get why his fixation makes you feel used, and why his not getting that makes it worse. Had you said discussed it with him early on I suspect things would have played out differently. 

If I talked to him, I bet he would express confusion about the whole thing. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, you changed. I know it was not suddenly, but from his perspective it was. As far as he knew everything was great, then you go and change the rules. Again, that is not how it was, but it is his reality.

Is he much too focused on oral? Maybe. Some men find it exceptionally pleasurable, far beyond any other sex act. Other men no so much. Part of the pleasure is watching the woman enjoy it - just as you say knowing  he is enjoying himself is an important ingredient for you to climax.

If he were asking me, and he were desperate enough to try anything to fix this, I'd suggest no oral sex for a month or two. None, even if you suggest it. This would allow both of you to detox and reset, and you might both learn to enjoy other sex acts more. I doubt this suggestive coming from you would be well received.

My only other thought would be to try some back and forth sex play. You do oral on him short of climax, then he does something on you, short of climax. Then oral on him, and back and forth. Throw in some intercourse and watching each other self stimulate. Perhaps mixing it up this way would help you regain the enjoyment.

Ginabella
Ginabella

@TheGenerousHusband @Ginabella


Thank you for taking the time to help us. I really appreciate your insight and suggestions! I agree with everything you've said. Hopefully I'll get back to loving giving oral again soon :)

Orangelady
Orangelady

My husband really enjoys receiving oral and is ok if I don't swallow, but I have a HORRIBLE gag reflex.  Its hard on me to brush my teeth without getting sick. I have had doctors tell me that I have an overly sensitive gag reflex and it even saved my life once.  What can I do to fix this?  I find it gross but I don't know if its because I gag so easily or not but I do try.

JustMeG
JustMeG

I have to say I think the women are lying.  Doing oral sex on men is just gross and not comfortable and not enjoyable at all.  I don't get how putting your mouth on something where pee comes out is enjoyable.  I try not to throw up or gag and try to think of a happy place.  No way that many women like it.  Ugh.  I hate receiving it to but he likes to do it to me so I let him occasionally but I'd be good if the whole oral thing would be thrown out.

hispresence
hispresence

personally, i see 'oral sex' as an integral, but deeper aspect of foreplay for PIV. secondly, if the couple achieve orgasm, is it a spice in their sex life. however, the role of hygiene is important here and mutual acceptance is thoughtful.

Lindy
Lindy

Doang it- I had a long comment typed out ad it got deleted. Sigh. Well, I guess the jist of it was my question of - are you suggesting that I let him/suggest he perform On me (even tho I know he doesn't like it) because I in turn don't care for it, but do it anyway for him? I just want to Make sure I understand where you're coming from. Thanks! :)

Lindy
Lindy

The Mr. and I have an interesting situation: I will perform oral on him, but it's pretty much only because I know how much it turns him on. He loves it....but I pretty much can't stand it, especially the taste. I gag everytime (I can't go as deep as I know he'd like, which makes me feel a little inadequate). I'd suggest him drinking fruit juices (which I've read are supposed to help) but ironically he doesn't eat fruit. Ever. Doesn't like the taste. And as far as me, I LOVE receiving it...but I know he can't stand it. The first time he gave it to me, he said he didn't like it. He wasn't trying to be mean, he was just answering my question of "did you like it too?". So I'm haunted by what he said..and I've told him about that. He felt horrible, and said that he just needed to get used to it (it was his first time). Now I'm wondering 1) should I continue to please him orally even when I find the taste so repulsive? (It's extremely bitter....and I thought it would be rude to just spit it out right afterwards.) I want to make him happy but I am beginning to dread pleasing him like that, especially when I know he wants it so much. 2) Should I suggest he please me orally, even when he says he's trying to like it and is willing to do it? He rarely offers, but when he does, part of me is dying for it and part of me is embarrassed because I think of what he first said. We want to please each other, but personally, I am just not one of those women who love giving oral. I wish I was - but it grosses me out. :( Advice? P.S. We have done stuff in the shower, and I slyly "get rid" of it afterwards...and it helps....but unfortunately, only he gets that playtime in the shower....he's too tall and I'm too short for me to have that kind of playtime ;) Sorry if this is TMI but it's really something I'm struggling with. I don't want to make him feel bad about something that he possibly can't control (taste). If he asks for it, can I say no? Sigh. We are usually really good at communicating, but this is one subject that is pretty difficult.

Larry B
Larry B

Thanks for covering this topic in a positive way. Communication, trust and respect are keys here. Oral sex can be a very beautiful practice in a married couple's lovemaking repertoire. Some women do have some hesitancy or reluctance to perform it, at least initially. But, the many comments that I have heard, and read, indicate that once the mental apprehension and anxiety is overcome and the wife gains some confidence with the practice, she enjoys giving as much as receiving! Wives, please try it before you conclude that it is no good. You will very likely be pleasantly surprised that you enjoy performing oral sex (fellatio) as much as your husband enjoys receiving! It can be a big plus for your marital lovemaking.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

Eryn - Does "You have not because you ask not" apply here?" I'd approach it by saying something like "I think I might like some oral foreplay, if you are willing to try it sometime."

Eryn
Eryn

I enjoy performing oral sex on my husband especially when intercourse isn't possible (monthly cycle, etc). I would love to be on the receiving end sometime but I'm not sure how to ask without making him feel like I'm not otherwise satisfied. I'm afraid he'll just be grossed out at the request in general. Advice?

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

Great comments all around! I agree the use of these stats is limited, but I think they can be helpful. J pointed out the doubt people have about doing it" right". The vast number of men who were okay with her not swallowing, and the overwhelming number who enjoy the tasted and smell should encourage folks. There are plenty of holes in this, lots of places where the "why" is different for people who give the same answers. As to more men than women answering, that is because I mentioned the poll here last week. Most of our facebook poll run more women than men. In my mind, the real value of these surveys is as a starting place for a couple to talk. On facebook one women said she wished she knew how her husband felt, but he won't talk about it. I suggested she print the survey out and ask him to do it for her. The other value of the survey is "supporting evidence". Many women limit or refuse receiving because they are sure it's gross for him, no matter what he says. When 80% of men on an anonymous survey say they like or love the taste/smell, and only 4% don't like it, that should change some minds.

jreeper
jreeper

Hi, Not tryiing to be a pain AND I will admit I am not the Brightest Crayon in the box ! But how you come from she wont finish me that way to only 7% is beyond me ? I like my wife to, but I am not about to force her so I settle for less . I also question the 59.8 % if swalloing was part of ther normal event how important it would be to them . Also the question wasnt raised about how frequently it was being done ( swallowing ) may also have an interesting out come also . Stats are wonderful things but they can be read many ways .

Bert
Bert

Yep I'm one of the 4 percent...my wife and I both grew up in churches that preached on lust...lust...lust...they needed to look up the Greek word and quit confusing their interpretation to the Godly Union of marriage,,,,,,I wonder if judgement day will include those guys as well

J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)

Interesting results, Paul. I found these two particularly intriguing: The wives saying "I'm afraid I'll do it wrong" and both saying that "I can never tell if he/she is enjoying it." Sure, it's awkward at first, but you have to communicate. It would help for men to gently express what feels good and what doesn't with oral sex; help your wife understand what places are most easily aroused, which ones are tender, how much pressure to apply, how you like to be stroked, etc. Of course, I'd also like to write the ladies (whom I usually talk to on my blog) and say, "Whoop it up now and then, gals! Let the hubs know he's turning you on." Great info!

Tim
Tim

Some thoughts around your point of how much this reflects the real world. This is something that I've always wondered about with these surveys: by virtue of where the survey is, it is much much more likely to be answered by someone who is already proactively thinking about their marriage, keen to grow in their role as husband/wife. By that token they are much more likely to be open and receptive to their spouses needs/wants/desires. My suspicion (fear!) is that if you were to find some way of accessing the vast numbers of people who only go through the motions of marriage then you would get a VERY different answer indeed! As it is you have nearly 3 times the number of male responders than female responders. Assuming an equal number of male and female readers across your blogs, this may already tell you something about the relative importance of oral sex between spouses? None of this is meant to be a criticism - more an observation..

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