Disconnect your buttons

July 18, 2012

in Be a grownup, Change, Seeing Clearly

Cut that wire! © Roman Ivaschenko | Dreamstime.comYou have those buttons, the ones that set you off. Your bride knows those buttons, and odds are she presses some of them on occasion. What I said yesterday applies to her just as much as it applies to you, but your telling her that is unlikely to impress her. Maybe if you do what I suggested (apologise whenever you push her buttons) she will follow your lead. But what if she does not?

How about working to cut the wires to those buttons? Make it so pressing those buttons has no noticeable effect on you. If pressing it doesn’t get the reaction she wants, I bet she will press it less often, and maybe even stop completely. However, I am not suggesting you simply hide your reaction. Not reacting is certainly a good start, but I doubt you can keep it up forever. Go beyond not showing a reaction and deal with why you get upset, or hurt, or feel unloved, when she pushes certain buttons.

Most of your buttons pre-date your marriage. In fact, most of them pre-date puberty. The wiring for most of our buttons is established early in life. As we get older we may put a new label on a button, but it is still connected to old wiring. If you want to deactivate a button, you must figure out why it works, which means understanding how it is wired. Try to think about a time when you were a child when you felt a similar reaction. Forget about the label you have on the button and think about how it makes you feel. Do you feel scared, lonely, unloved, hurt, or cheated? Do you feel powerless, or restrained? Figure out what you feel, and then think about other times when you felt the same way. Trace it back as far as you can, and try to understand what the button is wired to in your mind. If you can do this, you can work on cutting those wires, and making the button non-functional.

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Image Credit: © Roman Ivaschenko | Dreamstime.com

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