When sex is over too fast

July 22, 2012

in Better Sex in 2012, Links to good stuff, Sexuality, YOU4HER

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Yesterday I talked about erectile problems. Today, premature ejaculation.

Premature ejaculation is defined a variety of ways, but most scientists define it as something like climaxing less than two minutes after the start of intercourse. Most men with PE run closer to a minute. The best studies say as many as 30% of all men have this condition, so it’s not rare.

Before we talk about why and what can be done, let us eliminate things which are similar but different. If a man has premature ejaculation, he ALWAYS ejaculates very quickly during intercourse. Most men will ejaculate faster than they like on occasion – this is normal. Most men do not last long their first few times having intercourse, and most do not last long if it has been a good while since they had sex. Even if you have done something else to climax, intercourse after a long time without intercourse is likely to result in faster climax. Some men start to climax more quickly because of erectile problems – they thrust harder to stay erect, resulting in orgasming sooner. Stress and nervousness can also cause more rapid ejaculation. None of these is PE.

Why a sizeable percentage of men ejaculate within a minute or so of entering the vagina has been debated for years. Most early theories put the problem in the mind, or suggested it was a habit gained from trying to climax in a hurry – during hidden masturbation or “back seat sex” as a teen. However, none of these theories has held up to study, and we now know the condition is hard-wired into the mind and body. Men who have PE have a defect in a gene controlling release of the neurotransmitter dopamine, and there is growing evidence the condition is inherited for most who have it. This means you are not doing it intentionally, and you cannot stop doing it by force of will.

There are many claims on the Internet for techniques and pills to “cure premature ejaculation”. Sounds good, but they do not work. If a man climaxes quickly because of bad habits or being over aroused, things like start/stop training or “the squeeze technique” may help, but for men with true PE these methods are useless. Suggestions to “think of baseball” or “do math” in your head do not help either. Masturbating shortly before intercourse does not help most men, as they are just as fast their second time.

What really does help?:

  • Wearing multiple condoms to reduce sensation helps a bit for some men, but not for others.
  • Off label prescriptions for SSRI drugs will help most men last longer, but this generally means lasting twice as long, which may still be rather short.
  • Desensitising creams and sprays help men slow down. The trick here is to get enough to lose some sensation without being totally numb. Newer formulations are better at this, but still the added time is limited.
  • There are a couple of new products close to approval in the EU, farther out with the FDA in the states:
  • Plethora Solutions has a topical medication currently called PSD502, which results in a man lasting as much as six times as long.
  • Ampio Pharmaceuticals has a pill named Zertane, which also results in lasting up to six times as long.

Some other ideas:

  • If you stay erect after climax, keep going. If you get too sensitive slow down a bit, it will pass. Use of a penis ring can help you stay firm enough to continue intercourse if you tend to lose your erection too quickly.
  • Accept this is what you have to work with, and make the best of it. Pleasure her to orgasm(s) in whatever way she likes, with intercourse before, after, or in-between.
  • Most men only climax quickly during intercourse, being able to last longer when their wife pleasures them by hand or mouth. With this in mind, you can could sometimes skip intercourse and spend time pleasuring each other in other ways.
  • Use pseudocourse (described yesterday). Most men with PE will climax quickly doing this (although some may not) but she can continue till she is satisfied.

The bottom line here is it is like any other challenge; you choose how to see and deal with it. I realise not being able to have intercourse for as long as you want is disappointing, but it does not prevent you from giving your bride all the sexual pleasure she can handle. Frankly, it is more of a blow to your ego than anything else. If you learn how to make her feel good in other ways, she probably will not spend much (or any) time thinking about what she “is missing”.

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Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:


Assume Love

Love is Patient and Kind ◄ Patty’s version of the say one thing until they get it post.
How to Start a Discussion About a Change ◄ The first sentence is great, and could be used for almost anything.

Better Husbands and Fathers

How to be a Good Husband: 4 Fundamental Principles ◄ Very good!
Good Husband vs. Good Wife ◄ Are wives trying harder?

Black and Married with Kids

Don’t Blame Your Spouse for Your Ex’s Mistakes ◄ This is a “duh” issue, but plenty of folks are still guilty of it.

Engaged Marriage

Get Out! Forming a Babysitting Co-op ◄ I’ve mentioned this here’s how to do it.

The Generous Wife

Kindness in the Valley ◄ Do you choose to be kind even when you are sick?
Between the Pages ◄ If you find talking difficult, this can help.
Avoid the Comparison Trap ◄ It’s a trap!
Weeds in Your Marriage? ◄ Stop them before they take over!

Journey to Surrender

Gray Divorce Remedies – Part 1 ◄ Don’t be a statistic.
Gray Divorce Remedies – Part 2
Gray Divorce Remedies – Part 3

Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage

Do The Math ◄ Want grandkids before you are 70?

Marriage Gems

Are you chasing time or cherishing time? ◄ Hint: Go for the second!


The “I’m Never Happy” Syndrome ◄ A bad train of thought that can get worse.
“Shut up and Have Sex” ◄ Sometimes it comes down to this.

One Flesh Marriage

When She Has A Headache ◄ Because it she might really have a headache.

refine us

What Every Wife Needs From Her Husband ◄ A good read, pay attention.

Romantic Act of the Day

Keep Your Eyes Open ◄ Romance via planned spontaneity
Don’t Make Her Ask You ◄ Way more points if you do things before she asks!

The Romantic Vineyard

Diapers, Toddlers & Romance, Oh My – Part 1 – I’m Exhausted ◄ See the ideas for helping an exhausted wife.
Diapers, Toddlers & Romance, Oh My – Part 2 – We’re Exhausted ◄ What if you are both exhausted?
Diapers, Toddlers & Romance, Oh My – Part 2 – What Pressure Reveals ◄ If it’s ugly, deal with it.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

SuzyHomemaker - J at Hot Holy Humorous wrote on this earlier this week - When He's Slow to Climax. We have an article about it on TMB - Inhibited Ejaculation - which was updated earlier this year. A lot of men (and women) think it sounds great, but it's not. Glad you have found ways to deal with it, it can destroy a sex life and a marriage.


These articles are really very informative and I imagine probably helpful for couples suffering from these problems. I love reading your site, its been inspiring and helpful to read a man's perspective on so many marital issues. However my husband and I had to overcome one particular issue which I don't think I've seen you post on: Have you ever considered writing about a form of ED known as "retarded" or "delayed" ejaculation? It took alot of time and research for us to find solutions which worked for us, I think part of the problem was that its a lesser known form of ED so information was slightly more difficult to come by. Still, before we found ways to work around it, our sex life (and our marriage) suffered for it.

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