You won’t find very many folks who say sex is not important in marriage, but plenty act as if it is not important. Maybe the difference between words and actions suggests most of them know sex is more important than their actions say they think it is.
A study, which I discussed in Sex – important to husbands and wives, found above average sexual satisfaction was the number one predictor of being very happy in marriage, and high sexual satisfaction was the number two predictor of not being prone to separation or divorce. These were true for both men and women. That means good sex results in a happier marriage and greatly reduces the chance of divorce. It is not a cure all, but it is significant and powerful, nothing that can take its place. If you have an otherwise “perfect marriage” and a poor sex life you are worse off than if you have a fair marriage and fair sex life. If sex is a major problem in your marriage, and you care about your marriage, working on sex is the only sane choice. (And yes, not having much sex makes it a major problem.)
I could say a lot about this (I have already said a great deal over the years), but I want those who have chosen not to deal with sex to understand it really is a big deal, and ignoring it won’t make it go away. Forget the excuses, the reasons, the anger, the blame, and realise if it is not fixed your marriage will not be as happy as it could be, and you are putting yourself at an increased risk of divorce. Given that, there is no good reason for allowing it to continue. Sexual refusal hurts the one who is told no, and when refusal happens often it sounds like “I don’t care about you, I don’t really love you“. Regardless of the reason, if refusal goes on too long, thisis what it communicates.
By the way: The results are in on the masturbation in marriage survey. Much of it lines up nicely with what I’ve said above. Odds are you are masturbating, and believe it or not, odds are she is too, at least occasionally. The frequency and reasons given are real eye openers.