“I’m the man, God put me in control.”

September 11, 2012

in Headship/Submission, Series

I know, I know, you are the husband, which makes you the boss. The boss is clearly in control, so that means you are in control. The only control problem in marriages is women who do not know they their husband is in control!

Bossy man © Agnieszka Guzowska | Dreamstime.com

A lot of us were taught something along these lines, but the Bible does not actually say it. The Bible says that the husband is to be a servant leader, just as Christ was a servant leader.

Some will argue Jesus is in control. Jesus Himself would disagree – He was very clear God was in control, while He, Jesus, only did what He saw God doing. Please don’t think this is just a technicality, it is a critical fact we MUST understand if we have any hope of being the kind of husband and servant leader God called us to be. Being the leader of your home is not about being in control, and it certainly is not about doing things the way you want them to be done. Jesus did not want to go to the cross, but He did. “Not my will but your will be done” is what each of us needs to say to God about how we lead our family. Jesus was willing to go as far as dying – how far are we willing to go for our wife and children?

The other thing about being a servant leader is following such a leader is optional. I am not saying it is optional if you want to be obedient to God, but there is no provision for the servant leader to enforce following. Just as Jesus will let us go our own way, we have to be willing to let our bride ignore our attempts to lead (there are additional responsibilities for children, so the situation with them is not as simple). If you are a true servant leader, and your wife chooses not to follow you – please pray for her, because it’s not going to go well for her. If you are behaving rightly, and she is not following you, it is God’s problem to deal with. On the other hand, if you are not leading properly, or are not leading at all, those are also God’s problems to deal with.

Enough on control – on to something new tomorrow!

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10 comments
Mike
Mike

Leading is easy. I have seen many men--including myself--lead from our own desires. I want the SUV, she wants the minivan, I want the SUV, I'm the head, we buy the SUV, and that's leadership! Right? Wrong. That's selfishness and abuse of power. Servant leaders must lead from a place of wanting the joy and peace of Christ alive in their marriage, and the kingdom of heaven alive in their homes. And if that means painting the kitchen--again--and maybe again--that's more important than our golf weekend or our Saturday nap. She will be much more willing to follow when we see her as a lovely, uniquely-made, talented and gifted creation of the Almighty, and behave as if her heart's desires were placed there by God so that we would have many opportunities to serve. My bride's love language is acts of service, and I look at it as God's way of giving me an easy way to do His will by serving her, because she knows what she wants done around here, and God put me here with her, so He must want to mold me more into His Son's image by doing things that make her feel loved--feeding the dog, changing a shower head, hanging drapes--it is all acts of service, and is we are servant leaders, I can serve in a way she recognizes as a show of love. It's easy for me to see it as a blessing. And so long as she is not asking me to win, I can serve her as she desires, and assure a greatly increased willingness on her part to follow, because she knows I honor her heart and cherish her happiness. God will deal with her flaws, and he may use me to do so, but if I always behave in a way that considers her desires, she will also trust a biblical rebuke from me, knowing it is her, and not myself, I wish to benefit. Just my two cents. I'm enjoying this blog, Paul. Mike

Corbin
Corbin

This is some great wisdom, fellas! Thanks.

josh
josh

Husbands are the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church. You are to lead in the will if God with love. Your wife may not like the decision that you make but if it is what God wants then you have to do it anyway and pray that your wife gets understanding. Always show her love.

Beth
Beth

Good stuff, Paul. Keep it coming! :)

Ted
Ted

I would only caution that if your wife is not following and you "think" you're leading properly,do not use that as an excuse to give up trying. It may be that your leadership is not as perfect as you think! Certainly Jesus has never given up on me, ad if I call my self his servant I cannot give up on my wife and children.!

John Delcamp
John Delcamp

If we want to be the man of the house because God made us that way, then we must accept the responsibilities God has given to that position and we must perform those responsibilities in the way God has told us to fulfill them. The greatest method is to be like God in your family - love the way He loves, forgive, have mercy and show grace the way God shows it, serve the way God serves us, and to lead the way God leads us. That means there will be times when we desire to go one direction and our spouse and family desire to go another, but being like God is that we act toward them and treat them just the way God treats us when we don't want to do what He desires. Hard, Yes! - Impossible, No!

Tim
Tim

thank you for this mini-series on control. It has been brilliant!

John Delcamp
John Delcamp

Amen! I agree - in everything, everyway men must be like Jesus, including not giving up, including not forcing our way on our spouse and being patient until she is willing to follow our lead.

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