This post is a bit unusual as it is aimed at wives – something I almost never do. However, it is a natural follow up on my last two posts, and given my posts show up on The Marriage Bed facebook page and are tweeted by various members of the CMBA, I have confidence more than a few ladies will see this.
As this may be read by some who do not know me, let me share my “credentials” relative to what follows. When my bride and I married almost twenty-eight years ago, we had significant problems due to my past porn use (it really was in the past and stayed that way) and her past abuse (which did not stay in the past in some ways). I know what it is like to live in a low sex marriage. That said, I never cheated (I’ve seen what cheating does and I’d sooner have cut it off), I didn’t look at porn, (really, and for much the same reason as not cheating) and my bride would tell you I remained a loving and attentive husband despite the sexual problems (I say I could have done better). It took years, but now we have a great sex life; I have no complaints. In other words, nothing below is said to justify some sin I committed, nor is it me expressing frustration over my current situation.
A healthy and safe sex life requires regular heat and good insulation. If you fail to have both of these, his heart will run cold and he will be open to all manner of temptations. The temptations he faces are not just sexual; sexual frustration and lack leave a man open mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, making all manner of sins seem just a bit less horrible, or even a bit nicer. This in no way justifies or excuses any sin he may choose to commit, but based on Jesus’ warning about causing another to sin (Mat 18:6), you may be held accountable for your part in making the temptation greater. (And yes, I know about 15% of women are the ones being told no. Some of the following is the same for you, some is not.)
How do you heat and insulate his sex life?
- Frequency: Yes, this is obvious – and often discounted. Sex is important to men for a number of reasons, including physical, mental, and emotional. He has a drive. Some women do not have a sex drive, and those who do usually have a weaker drive. Going more than a few days without sex messes with his body and his mind. Telling him this is not so is like him telling you menstruation is no big deal or labour does not hurt.
- Frequency – part two: You may be having less sex than you think. If you ask wives how often they have sex with their husbands, the majority will give an answer higher than the reality. Women in low sex marriages (where they are the reason) are even more likely to answer high, and to miss reality by more. Generally, this is not a matter of dishonesty, but of inaccurately remembering. If you doubt this, keep track for a while, odds are you do it less often than you think. Please know saying “It’s only been a few days” when it’s been six days, and ten before that, only makes it worse for your husband; he feels disrespected, unloved, AND lied to.
- Variety: Not every kinky thing he can think of, but something more than the usual two ways you have sex. This can also mean finding ways of giving him the frequency he wants without having to have “full sex” when you have no interest. Learn to do him by hand, and occasionally start doing it without asking first. Some men who are making noise about wanting more sex really want more variety, and they may even know it is variety they are craving.
- Let him see you naked: He really does not care about your cellulite, wrinkles, sagging, or whatever else you see in the mirror – because those things are not what he sees when he sees you naked. He sees the woman he loves, and he likes what he sees because he loves you. He sees the only naked female body he is “allowed” to see and enjoy. If you deny or limit his seeing you naked, his God given hunger to see female body parts is left unfulfilled, which increases temptation for him. Even if you have plenty of sex, if you always do it in the dark you are not giving him what he wants and needs.
- Let him play with your bits: He wants to see them, and he wants to enjoy them. He wants to explore, and he wants to do it often. Teach him not to be too rough or abrupt – he can learn. He likes your body, let him enjoy it!
- Be enthusiastic: Unless he is desperate for sex, he wants more than just you lying there waiting for him to finish. He wants you to be an active part of sex, and if you are not he cannot be fulfilled. He wants more than sex; he wants you to be sexual.
- Initiate: Nothing says “I love you” like initiating sex – and he needs it. Even if you can only “initiate” by coming to bed naked, or you leaving a note on the bathroom mirror, do something to tell him you want and desire him sexually. I have talked to men whose wife never refused them who had affairs because some women actually asked them for sex. Yes, those men sinned, but their wives put them in a place of being easily tempted. Wanting a man sexually is a very powerful thing.
- Climax regularly: A big part of his enjoying sex is you enjoying sex. I know may be times you cannot, times you do not want to, and times it will take far longer than you think is reasonable, but if he is the only one climaxing most of the time he is feeling cheated. Most men will gladly spend more time if it means their wife has a climax.
- Bracket times of low sex: If you know you will not be able or available for a while, try to give him a bit of extra before and/or after. Before is especially helpful, and twice in a row after a break helps him and makes him feel good about you. Along these lines, if a man goes a while without sex, a single climax does not wipe out the built-up sexual tension. The wife who understands this, and deals with it, blesses her husband greatly. More sex before or after a time without shows him you understand and care about his sexuality.
- Encourage him to do something when you can’t: No, a few days without it not going to kill him, and if you are having plenty of sex it’s not going to turn him into a raving sex starved monster. However, going longer than usual does have negative effects on him. Many men have told me they like how easy it is to avoid lust when they have regular sex, and how frustrating it is to have to battle lust when there is a break in sex. Yes, this is part of being a man, and we need to learn to deal with it, but you can choose to make it a lot easier by inviting him to take care of himself when you cannot. Ideally, this means while you are lying there with him – or on the phone telling him what you would like to be doing. Yes, I am talking about masturbation – if that is something you just cannot deal with, I understand … but your husband many not. Telling him you want him to take care of himself when you cannot makes him think you are the best wife in the world.
If you are still with me, ladies, please accept my apologies for how hard this comes across. I can assure you I will receive comments and emails from men wanting to know how to get their wife to just read this, much less do any of it. Many men are sexually frustrated, and have been for years and years. The amount of sex they have with their wife is so little they never feel satisfied. They feel unloved – how could she do this if she loved them? I believe most women do not understand – they have been fed a lot of lies and half-truths about sex and men, and they honestly do not get it.
As I said, I have nothing to gain from saying this. I am sharing in hopes some wives will think maybe there is some truth to this, and will make changes that will deeply bless their husband and possibly start something that fundamentally changes their marriage. For most men sex is a critical need, and if it is not being dealt with well your marriage is both at risk and far from what God intended it to be.
Finally, ladies, often get accused of beating up on husbands on this blog. The rest of the time, I encourage them to be the kind of man you want your husband to be. If your guy is not reading this blog, maybe this post is the way to get him to start. This would be especially true if you start heating and insulating your sex life better and “blame” this post.