Your wife is a package deal

September 26, 2012

in Aff Link, Seeing Clearly, Understanding Her

Have you ever thought “I wish my wife was more like [name of another woman]”? Of course what you mean is you wish she was more like another woman in one way, or a few ways. You don’t really want her to be like the other woman in EVERY way!

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It’s not like we can pick and choose bits and pieces of women to make a perfect wife; women are a package deal. We get the good and the bad, the fun and the not so fun. What’s more, some of the things we don’t like so much come from the same place as things we like a great deal. The events that shaped her life result in a complex personality, and she could not just discard one part even if she wanted to do so.

The woman you want your wife to be like has her own problems, and her husband probably would like her to be more like your wife in some way(s). My suggestion is to learn to understand and live with the woman you have.

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2 comments
Andrew Jardine
Andrew Jardine

I have three responses: 1. I agree. I would just like to have back the wife that I courted and that was my wife for the first year of marriage before our first was born. I am very much in love with her. She was free with her affection and responsive to me. She then became a different person, always too busy, sick or tired (until recently (at last)) there is starting to be some change. 2. She needs to take me as I was during our courtship. I didn't withdraw from the relationship and affection. After many years I told her that since she wouldn't respond to my affections she could initiate, which she has done grudgingly, and seldom. Still very little sex, certainly not what I wanted or needed, and that's just the quantity. The quality was not great. She has not been adventursome or passionate or anything else that she was before our first was born, or that she is in other areas of her life (kids, church, school, you name it). 3. We both expect to make progress since our marriage. And we mostly have, both of us, in many areas of our lives, but she drags her feet with respect to initimacy. As far as I can tell (she is very unwilling to discuss this) she has at least two big issues (and apparently many smaller ones): First, she does very well with "outside"things, such as what she saw her mother do; clean house, take care of the kids, serve in the church and in the schools, work in the yard, etc. But she seems not to be interested in what is "inside" what makes things really go. She once said to me when I was complaining about sex that "she never saw her parents do that." !#$%@&*???? Of course she wasn't aware of their sexual relationship!! Does that mean there wasn't one? Isn't she curious about what made all that go? Second, as the youngest child of a successful professional she isn't responsible for meeting anyone else's needs as long as she is a "good girl", which means taking care of all of the "outside" things. This is the relationship she has with her dad. She can reach across to anyone, including strangers, in trying to create a relationship. But initiate sex and be responsible for understanding my needs and wants in romance, sex and affection? Tilt. Lately, she has been reading the sex positive book by Sheila Gregoire and (fingers crossed) that seems to have really made a difference. Will it last? That is my question.

NJ
NJ

Andrew, I am praying that the positive changes will last and things will get better and better for you. Our sex life was terrible after the birth of our second child, but after a couple of years, things have slowly gotten better. So things can improve. I pray you will experience that too.

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