4 Words You Should Never Use With your Wife

October 4, 2012

in Communication, Good Marriage, None of the Above, Understanding Her

First, a confession – I have no idea what four words you should never say to or in front of your wife. What’s more, the list is probably larger than four. However, I can help you narrow down the list by giving you common problems areas.

Words that hurt | © Paul H. Byerly

  1. Painful family words: Never use words her family used to shame, tease, or control her. This could be something like “stupid” or a nickname she hated. I do not mean a loving name she liked; I am talking about mean ones, or ones that felt mean to her. These words have deep and painful roots, and nothing good comes from you tugging at those.
  2. Painful childhood words: Much like the above, but from school and other places she interacted with other kids when she was growing up. Kids can be exceptionally cruel, and even friends can be hurtful by teasing past what is fun.
  3. Painful sex words: Some women do not care what words you use for sex, while others are very sensitive to anything she would not hear in a doctor’s office. A great many women have a rather violent internal reaction to a certain word starting with “c”. Whatever her no go sex words, using them is making things worse for you both in and out of bed.
  4. Sarcasm and insults: Unless she grew up the only girl with several bothers, odds are she does not enjoy sarcasm and teasing insults the way your buddies do. Save it for the guys, and treat her differently.

All of these are personal and vary from woman to woman. A word that offends one woman is a loving nickname to another; a word that means “I like you” to one woman is a deep insult to another. If you have been paying attention, you should have some idea what words bother her. You could also just ask her. Give the categories above as a guide, or ask her for a list of a few words she would like to never hear from your mouth.

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19 comments
Pearl
Pearl

#4 is especially important for me. I also do not like being called his 'bride.' I know most would think this is silly. But, I'm long past the naive bride days. I've worked on this marriage long and hard and I'm a very mature woman, not an innocent bride. The bride never anticipated the storms of life. This wife has weathered them and is grateful for the growth they've brought. GREAT POST, as always, Mr. Paul.

Andrew
Andrew

I liked the misspelling of "brothers" which came out as "bothers". Freudian slip?

T Bittner - Genuine Husband
T Bittner - Genuine Husband

Amen! Thank you for the reminder to check my words before I speak. Oftentimes I just blurt out whatever comes into my primitive mind, usually thinking I'm being cute or funny. I'm going to take your advice and be more careful to not use word that could hurt my beautiful wife.

Jay Dee
Jay Dee

Oh, there are a couple of words in that graphic that I think my wife actually likes to be called....in the right circumstances.... In the wrong circumstances, I wouldn't dare!

Hannah Williams
Hannah Williams

We actually had this discussion today since a word my husband used made me upset. I'm so grateful we are able to communicate with one another in a way so that the other understands or at the very least can respect.

Cassandra Salamone
Cassandra Salamone

That is one of my pet peeves! Name-calling especially when it's known that its hurtful or incites anger.

Jamie
Jamie

Great post! I hate when my husband uses the word "nice" to describe how I look. I used to always tell him in response to "You look nice." that "I AM nice!" It never translates as hot or sexy or good-looking. He's learning and I am also learning to accept his attempts at flattery. :-)

Julie Sibert
Julie Sibert

Love this post! These are all good reminders of the importance of truly understanding our spouse and taking great care to not say hurtful things, even if we don't think they are hurtful. Every person's story is different... and each person brings to marriage a childhood and/or past that may have included very painful experiences at the hands of others. Also, we all have our triggers... words that for whatever reason, stir in us certain negative feelings. The last thing anyone needs is their own spouse being the one aiming such hurtful words at them. Thanks for the post! Spot on!

Cindy & Steve Wright - Marriage Missions
Cindy & Steve Wright - Marriage Missions

OUTSTANDING!!! We agree 100%! We made it a rule early in our marriage -- no name-calling. We expected that from our sons, as well. We decided our home was going to be a safe place. All kinds of crazy things may go on outside of our home --we couldn't control much of that from outsiders, but within our home, we expected respectful behavior and words to be spoken in the way we would treat each other. I'm sure this has helped all of us to NOT live with as many regrets. Thanks Paul for this blog message. We appreciate you!

livinginblurredlines
livinginblurredlines

I hate being called b*tchy, especially when I am genuinely upset about something. I hate when I'm upset or cranky because of something going on and it's brushed off as me just being hormonal. I hate the word "frump." I make a conscious effort every day to not be frumpy, but when I'm tired or am not feeling well, I don't need to hear how frumpy I look because I put on my yoga pants and t-shirt. I hate the word "tits" mostly because I overheard my husband complimenting a buddy on his buddy's girlfriends "tits." I don't like the word "cute." I'm a fully grown woman, well past 21. Can't I at least graduate to "pretty" or "beautiful" rather than "cute?" Save "cute" for our daughter! Frankly, to me, "cute" as an adult is another word for "well, you're not ugly, but you're not really pretty, either."

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