10 Minutes a Day

October 10, 2012

in Communication, Her Needs

How much time do you and your bride spend in “unnecessary” conversation each day? By unnecessary I mean it is not about the kids, or the bills, or schedules. In reality, this kind of conversation is very necessary, because your bride needs it to feel connected and loved.

Couple talking © Caroline Klapper | Dreamstime.com

Several studies have tried to calculate the amount of time couples spend talking. One said couples only spend an average of “37 minutes a week in meaningful private communication”. Another put the number at 12 minutes a day. One goes as low as twenty minutes a week for two income couples with more than one child!

Does my title mean ten minutes a day is enough talk for a woman? Yes and no. It is enough in the way sex once a week is “enough” for most men. It’s about average for a couple beyond the first year of marriage, but that does not make it anywhere near enough. The average being so small explains, in part, why so many marriages are in such bad shape. (If you are wondering if I’m talking about the amount of conversation or the amount of sex, the answer is “yes”.)

Ten minutes a day is a starvation diet; enough to keep her alive if you normally have much more talk time, but not nearly enough to survive long term. If you have read the low numbers given for the amount of time couples talk and think you are doing fine, think again. As with many things in marriage, average has nothing to what is good, right, or needed. If you are average, you are usually not even close to what you should be doing.

So how long? I think half an hour a day is minimally enough. Half an hour a day would be like sex three times a week for most guys – enough they are not going crazy or feeling grossly neglected. Enough they will not complain much (especially given it is so much more than others are getting) but short of what they really want. If you really want to give her what will make her feel loved and fulfilled, I’d say half an hour a day four days a week and at least an hour the other three days. 

Look for ways to fit talk time into your life. Grab her to run an errand with you, or tag along with her on her errands. Go for a walk. Sit and talk with her as she works on dinner or does something else around the house. Give her the talk time she needs, consistently for a couple of months, and I bet you will see many changes in how she acts towards you.

Image Credit: © Caroline Klapper | Dreamstime.com

4 comments
Jenny
Jenny

I agree - this is so important. My husband and I usually get a few hours of fun talking every day. When he was severely depressed, we went through a period of time when he wouldn't talk to me at all - he just isolated himself from the entire world - and it was a very painful time. Now, he specifically sets aside time every day for us to chat and play and just enjoy one another's company. Being best friends is important in a marriage, and we really are - we've been together for a decade and we still haven't run out of things to talk about. Add our amazing sex life to that, and we're doing pretty well! :) Ten minutes a day is definitely not enough! When he was depressed and wouldn't talk to me, every day I thought I couldn't bear another moment of being shut out of his life. You're right, that's what it feels like to a woman when there isn't communication. We feel neglected and unloved. Thank you for bringing up how important this is in a marriage. Most people are focusing only on sex in marriage blogs these days, and it's nice to see the focus on other important issues as well. Sex is a crucial part of marriage, and I love it; but friendship is also crucial! "This is my lover, and this is my friend." :) We say that to each other sometimes.

Brian
Brian

So true. I often try and hang out while my wife is cooking to chat, and we do walk laps around the 'hood when we can. Excellent post!

Randy
Randy

Ten minutes is not enough, but sometimes Life get in the way. My wife and I work different schedules, and we don't really see each other form Monday night till Saturday morning. Before we go to bed on Monday night we have made a point to lay on the couch together with her head on my Chest. We lay there chatting or not. Not wtaching the clock. Sometimes she doses off, in my arms. Just together time before we part for 4 days. :-)

Jack @redeemmarriages
Jack @redeemmarriages

Great post Paul. A lot of us men do not think much about this important need our wives have. It is always good to be reminded of it. I like the way you compared her need for talk with our need for sex. Good word!

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