Knowing

October 18, 2012

in Good Marriage, Seeing Clearly, Series

The knowing tag is attached to 10% of my posts. The tag could also be “understanding” or “getting it”. The idea is that knowing/understanding your wife makes you a better, more loving husband.

Couple looking at each other © Alanpoulson | Dreamstime.com

  • The goal is not to understand women, but rather the one woman to whom you are married. Given that there are many similarities in women, a general study is a good starting place, but you need to personalise things to your wife.
  • Be a student of your wife for the rest of your life. Study her, learn her, and know what she is thinking even before she says anything. You will never be perfect at it, but you can get very, very good at it.
  • Understand that the ebbing and flowing of a number of hormones affects her body, her mind, her energy, her sexuality, and pretty much everything else about her. She is not a fixed point; she is in flux. Learn her cycle, know where she is in her cycle, and what that means for how she feels. Give her space, grace, comfort, or whatever else is appropriate for what her hormones are doing to her at any given time. (I am not saying this is an excuse for wrong behaviour, but it is a real thing, and it affects her body and mind the same way testosterone affects you.)
  • Realise that women usually have more “seasons of life” than men do, and their seasonal changes tend to be greater. Becoming a mother, becoming an empty nester, and other changes will affect how she thinks and feels.
  • Knowing her weaknesses can be used to manipulate her, or to help her. Choose to use your power only for good.
  • Knowing her does not mean you have her in a box. She will grow and change and you need to keep up with her as she does.
  • Really knowing her means knowing about things that matter to her – even things that do not matter at all to you. Listen, really listen, to her when she talks about things that she enjoys or finds important.
  • Understanding her requires understanding where she came from. Invite her to share her past, and be a safe place for her to do that.
  • Understanding also requires knowing where she wants to go. If you do not know her hopes, dreams, and fears for the future, you do not know her.

Image Credit: © Alanpoulson | Dreamstime.com

3 comments
Andrew Jardine
Andrew Jardine

I wish for a marriage where we both do this. During our courtship I think we had this (that's why I went forward). During the first year of our marriage I think we had this and were going further in that direction. Then our first was born and my wife retreated away from this to some place that she won't tell me about or work with me on, but it doesn't involve being responsible for meeting my needs, or being able to explain her needs in the emotional, romantic or sexual parts of our lives to me.

Jenny
Jenny

This is such good advice, for husbands AND wives. We wives always need to seek to know and understand our husbands as well. I love this post. I'm going to share it with my husband. Thank you!

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

Andrew - You don't say how old your child is. The hormonal events of pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum can significantly reprogram a woman's brain. If neither husband or wife know to expect this, or how significant it can be, a rift can form. If it's been more than a year I'd strongly suggest getting some third-party help.

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