Keep asking and you might get lucky?

November 24, 2012

in Better Sex in 2012, Communication, Her Needs, Sexuality

Have you ever tried the “ask for sex every night” approach figuring the more often you ask, the more often she will say yes? Or, maybe you have no idea why she says yes, so you figure you should ask all the time so you don’t miss an occasion when she might say yes. Basically fire blindly and hope you hit the target occasionally!

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I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I found it did not work so well. If you think about it, why would it? If your wife, or your child, or anyone else, did the same to you over something, don’t you think you would come to resent it? Might you feel so nagged you would start to say no just out of annoyance? What’s more, if they asked when you were clearly busy, or over worked, or just so tired you could not stand it, how would you feel about them for being so inconsiderate?

Why would your daily requests for sex be received any differently?

Yes, I know you are not getting enough, and asking less when you want more seems counter-productive. However, if you think about what I said above, you should see why better targeting of your asking could result in more sex and less aggravation for both of you.

The key here is to figure out when/why she says no. It may seem completely random, but it is not. The problem is there are a great many factors involved, so it is a difficult formula to decipher.

  • Time of month is huge if she is not pregnant, past menopause, or on hormonal contraceptives. She should be most receptive (if not chasing you) around ovulation – which is 14 days before her next period. The week before this, she is likely to be more receptive than at other times. After she ovulates, she is less receptive. During menstruation varies from women to woman.
  • Tiredness, from lack of sleep, is probably the next biggest factor.
  • Stress and tiredness from a long day are also big factors.
  • How well she has connected with you the last 24 – 36 hours is important. Remember her love language being how she feels loved and connected.

There are plenty of other factors, well beyond what I can list here. Start thinking about it; make notes about her last 24 hours when she says yes, and when she says no. Record as much as possible and you should start to find patterns. Does she always say no on laundry day, or after taking the kids to some specific event? Is she likely to say yes when she gets some quiet time in the evening, or the day after a date with you? Keep playing detective, and you should find the clues needed to learn when asking is a waste of time (and a good way to aggravate her) and when your odds are better. I realise not asking does not help you directly, but if it makes her feel less exhausted about sex, that is good for both of you.

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An Ony Mous
An Ony Mous

"I also know some men would ask “What if women had to go to all that work every time they wanted a few minutes of conversation?” EXCELLENT comeback, Paul, and long overdue and well deserved. A husband who has had to jump through far too many hoops with far too little reward to show for his efforts, may very well stop jumping and give up completely. And trust me, there isn't likely to be much 'conversation' once that happens.

Jay Dee
Jay Dee

Asking for sex every night does not work. First, start to fix your marriage, then work on sex frequency, and if you think frequency is the only issue in your marriage, guess again, there is a reason why your not getting it. If you don't know, then at least one reason is that you don't know your spouse well enough or your not communicating. They have a reason, even if they won't admit it (work on being trustworthy and a safe person to talk to if they won't).


I do appreciate the 'detective' work. I like for my husband to know that I'm wiped out after choir practice, revved up after a lacrosse game, or kind of flaky on day 21 of the cycle. Knowing your wife takes observation. But, what about frank discussion? Coming up with a plan for the week on Sunday, looking at the calendar and planning optimal time for encounters? That's not very romantic, but lives are so busy. I am grateful for when we can be upfront. There's no guessing and wondering is tonight the night? (You've probably already covered 'sex scheduling' somewhere and I've missed it!)


More things I might say to a man who is having trouble getting lucky ;-) How are you presenting yourself (visually) to your wife? I can assure you that ratty shirts and cargo shorts do nothing for my libido. And if my husband were to burn all of his fleece jackets I'd most likely attack him right there in front of the bonfire. I get that there are times that you want to be comfy, but looking like you are ready to go hunting or do yard work all the time just might not be helping your cause. Ask your wife to take you shopping and let her show you what she finds hot on you. Are you carrying an extra 50 pounds? Show her that you care about your health and appearance by doing a few crunches and push ups now and then. Seriously. I'm really not trying to be critical, but why do you think women swoon over the latest Hollywood hunk? Spend some time at the gym working on your physique. Alcohol or tobacco on your breath? Not helping you one iota! That electronic device that is permanently attached to your hand? Also not helping your cause. Try giving up computer games until you are getting regular sex. There might just be a connection there. Sorry to be so harsh men, but perhaps these are some of the things that your wife would love to say to you but won't in the name of respecting you (and rightly so). Take a good hard look at things that you are doing that your wife has shown annoyance for. Perhaps even ask her if there is anything that you are doing that she would love to see change in these areas and be willing to humbly accept her responses without responding with your own list of grievances.


hmm, while I am not one to turn my husband away, I can't help but feel that being "asked for sex" is a turn off. I imagine these little puppy dog eyes looking at me hoping I'll give in to the cuteness. We are equals, a couple, I'm not his mother and don't want sex to be approached like a 5 year old asking for a cookie. A husband should be approaching his wife with asking what he can do for her. I get that many wives don't respond to any physical advances well, but try offering a back rub and see if she doesn't start to "warm up". My husband will often offer me a "special treat" and say that it's all about me tonight. Once I get that treat, I'm more than willing to return the favor. Again, I know that many women are not responsive to her husband's sexual advances, and that saddens me, but "asking for it" probably isn't helping matters. How about let her know early in the day that you want to make love to her tonight. Take the initiative to set up the mood in the room with candles and soft music. Draw a bath for her. I see sex as something beautiful that we experience as a couple... not something that I'm giving him necessarily. I think that getting her to see it as something you experience for the benefit of your marriage is half the battle. Oh, and perhaps go for that walk or bike ride with her that she wants you to take. Something about being physical with my husband in the great outdoors is a real turn on for me. Go out of your way to meet her "connecting desires" out of the bedroom.

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