Keep asking and you might get lucky?

November 24, 2012

in Better Sex in 2012, Communication, Her Needs, Sexuality

Have you ever tried the “ask for sex every night” approach under the theory that the more you ask the more often she will say yes? Or, maybe you have no idea why she says yes, so you figure you should ask all the time so you don’t miss an occasion when she might say yes. Basically fire blindly and hope you hit the target occasionally!

Bad shooting! © Suat Eman | freedigitalphotos.net

I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I found it did not work very well. If you think about it, why would it? If your wife, or your child, or anyone else, did that to you over something, don’t you think you would come to resent it? Might you feel so nagged you would start to say no just out of annoyance? Beyond that, if they asked when you were clearly busy, or over worked, or just so tired you could not stand it, how would you feel about them for being so inconsiderate or clueless?

Why would your daily requests for sex be received any differently?

Yes, I know you are not getting enough, and asking less when you want more seems counter-productive, but if you think about what I said above you should start to see why better targeting of your asking could result in more sex and less aggravation for both of you.

The key here is to figure out when/why she says no. It may seem completely random, but it is not. The problem is there are a great many factors involved, so it is a very difficult formula to decipher.

  • Time of month is huge if she is not pregnant, past menopause, or on hormonal contraceptives. She should be most receptive (if not chasing you) around ovulation – which is 14 days before her next period. The week before this, she is likely to be more receptive than at other times. After she ovulates, she is less receptive. During menstruation varies from women to woman.
  • Tiredness, from lack of sleep, is probably the next biggest factor.
  • Stress and tiredness from a long day are also big factors.
  • How well she has connected with you the last 24 – 36 hours is important, with her love language being how she feels loved and connected.

There are plenty of other factors, well beyond what I can list here. Start thinking about it; make notes about her last 24 hours when she says yes, and when she says no. Record as much as possible and you should start to find patterns. Does she always say no on laundry day, or after taking the kids to some specific event? Is she very likely to say yes when she gets some quiet time in the evening, or the day after a date with you? Keep playing detective, and you should find the clues needed to learn when asking is a waste of time (and a good way to aggravate her) and when your odds are better. Realise that not asking does not help you directly, but if it makes her feel less exhausted with you, that is good for both of you.

Giving Update: A huge thanks to all of you who have made donations to support us for the coming year. We could still use about 350 who will either give $60 one time, or $5 monthly – or double either of those. THANKS! 

Image Credit: © Suat Eman | freedigitalphotos.net    

13 comments
An Ony Mous
An Ony Mous

"I also know some men would ask “What if women had to go to all that work every time they wanted a few minutes of conversation?” EXCELLENT comeback, Paul, and long overdue and well deserved. A husband who has had to jump through far too many hoops with far too little reward to show for his efforts, may very well stop jumping and give up completely. And trust me, there isn't likely to be much 'conversation' once that happens.

Jay Dee
Jay Dee

Asking for sex every night does not work. First, start to fix your marriage, then work on sex frequency, and if you think frequency is the only issue in your marriage, guess again, there is a reason why your not getting it. If you don't know, then at least one reason is that you don't know your spouse well enough or your not communicating. They have a reason, even if they won't admit it (work on being trustworthy and a safe person to talk to if they won't).

Pearl
Pearl

I do appreciate the 'detective' work. I like for my husband to know that I'm wiped out after choir practice, revved up after a lacrosse game, or kind of flaky on day 21 of the cycle. Knowing your wife takes observation. But, what about frank discussion? Coming up with a plan for the week on Sunday, looking at the calendar and planning optimal time for encounters? That's not very romantic, but lives are so busy. I am grateful for when we can be upfront. There's no guessing and wondering is tonight the night? (You've probably already covered 'sex scheduling' somewhere and I've missed it!)

workinprogress
workinprogress

More things I might say to a man who is having trouble getting lucky ;-) How are you presenting yourself (visually) to your wife? I can assure you that ratty shirts and cargo shorts do nothing for my libido. And if my husband were to burn all of his fleece jackets I'd most likely attack him right there in front of the bonfire. I get that there are times that you want to be comfy, but looking like you are ready to go hunting or do yard work all the time just might not be helping your cause. Ask your wife to take you shopping and let her show you what she finds hot on you. Are you carrying an extra 50 pounds? Show her that you care about your health and appearance by doing a few crunches and push ups now and then. Seriously. I'm really not trying to be critical, but why do you think women swoon over the latest Hollywood hunk? Spend some time at the gym working on your physique. Alcohol or tobacco on your breath? Not helping you one iota! That electronic device that is permanently attached to your hand? Also not helping your cause. Try giving up computer games until you are getting regular sex. There might just be a connection there. Sorry to be so harsh men, but perhaps these are some of the things that your wife would love to say to you but won't in the name of respecting you (and rightly so). Take a good hard look at things that you are doing that your wife has shown annoyance for. Perhaps even ask her if there is anything that you are doing that she would love to see change in these areas and be willing to humbly accept her responses without responding with your own list of grievances.

workinprogress
workinprogress

hmm, while I am not one to turn my husband away, I can't help but feel that being "asked for sex" is a turn off. I imagine these little puppy dog eyes looking at me hoping I'll give in to the cuteness. We are equals, a couple, I'm not his mother and don't want sex to be approached like a 5 year old asking for a cookie. A husband should be approaching his wife with asking what he can do for her. I get that many wives don't respond to any physical advances well, but try offering a back rub and see if she doesn't start to "warm up". My husband will often offer me a "special treat" and say that it's all about me tonight. Once I get that treat, I'm more than willing to return the favor. Again, I know that many women are not responsive to her husband's sexual advances, and that saddens me, but "asking for it" probably isn't helping matters. How about let her know early in the day that you want to make love to her tonight. Take the initiative to set up the mood in the room with candles and soft music. Draw a bath for her. I see sex as something beautiful that we experience as a couple... not something that I'm giving him necessarily. I think that getting her to see it as something you experience for the benefit of your marriage is half the battle. Oh, and perhaps go for that walk or bike ride with her that she wants you to take. Something about being physical with my husband in the great outdoors is a real turn on for me. Go out of your way to meet her "connecting desires" out of the bedroom.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

Jay Dee - I agree with everything you said, and have said it all myself. For most marriages that will help a great deal. However, for some marriages, I'd say nearly a quarter, there is nothing the husband can change or do that will make a difference other than to press long and hard to get counselling. Unfortunately most men wait too long to do that, and by the time they do it's gotten so bad it is often beyond help. The sad part is the advice you have given - which I have given often - can be part of the problem. We need to find some way to help men clearly see if they have issues that are legitimately interfering with sex, of if she needs help. If a woman has a problem with sex, she can find an endless parade of reasons why it's his fault, and that just keeps the issue from being dealt with. OTOH, the man who is doing things that are making sex difficult can do the same thing - put it all on his wife and thus not deal with the real issues.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

Pearl - I am all for scheduling sex (been a while since I mentioned it). For some couples it works well, for others it does not. In my experience men are more open to this than women. The ladies tend to see it as "not romantic enough" while the men are like "any times, say the word and I am there".

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

workinprogress - All valid. And many men would rightly say they do all that and more and still have sex far less often than they want. I agree these all need to be done, but in most marriages doing them counts for little while not doing them is an excuse for saying no. Seems rigged, does it not? And yes, I am saying all the things men say to me when I make suggestions such as you have made. The suggestions are good, but for most they are not enough.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

workinprogress - A lot of men would love to be able to do what you suggest, but have learned it does not work. For far too many it comes down to a thumbs up or thumbs down proposition at the end of the day. I also know some men would ask "What if women had to go to all that work every time they wanted a few minutes of conversation?" BTW, next week I will do "How you ask" and some of what you have mentioned is in that.

Jay Dee
Jay Dee

I agree, sometimes after you've done the work on yourself, and she feels comfortable talking about it, she might still say "I'm just not interested, and I don't care that you are." Then, you can go to pastors, counselors and friends all you want, but if she doesn't make a decision to be join with you sexually, there isn't much you can do I'm afraid but continue to pray. Roles, of course, can and will be reversed in some marriages.

workinprogress
workinprogress

"in most marriages doing them counts for little while not doing them is an excuse for saying no. Seems rigged, does it not?" You're right. Many women are all to quick to criticize and find excuses for their lack of sexual willingness. I get that. But if a man can at least say with all honesty that he is aware of what really gets under his wife's skin (be it video games or that wretched shirt) and has honestly surrendered that, and is working on speaking *her* love language, then when he *does* approach the delicate conversation about improving their sex life, she has no ammunition to throw back, right? There is something hindering a wife who doesn't want sex. It may be completely her issue, and a loving husband should help her discover what that is and do what he can to help her overcome that. He might not be the root cause, but he could be contributing.. and his contributions are going to be her first round of ammunition. For example... she is exhausted from a day with toddlers, she can't seem to keep the house picked up, she burned dinner and her husband asks if she might be interested in sex a little later while he is playing "Angry Birds". What do you think her response is going to be? She is not going to use her exhaustion as her excuse, she's going to say "Really, you sit here all night (probably an exaggeration) playing on that d*** computer and you think I'm going to be in the mood for sex?" I agree with Jay below... if you aren't getting any sex, something else is wrong in the marriage. Be the servant leader and do what you can to find out what that is and sacrifice for her sake. Sacrifice money to get her counselling, sacrifice and get her a housekeeper, sacrifice your computer time if she has mentioned that on more than one occasion (I can't think of one wife who I haven't heard complain about her husband and computers... just sayin'!) Be her hero who is willing to give whatever it takes to help her be free of her issues.

workinprogress
workinprogress

You know, sometimes I do need to work for a few minutes of conversation. If I just bombard him when he walks in the door, he really isn't listening. I need to approach delicate conversations very carefully. I need to make sure he isn't stressed or feeling down. I need to choose my wording very carefully at times. I can't just walk in when he is working or even playing on the computer and expect him to turn his full attention to me at the drop of a hat. I'm not saying men expect sex "at the drop of a hat" but I am pointing out that many women to have to approach conversation with a bit of thought and care.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

workinprogress - Your approach to conversation is what very much what I suggested above for men and sex. Seems the wise and kind thing to me for pretty much everything.

Previous post:

Next post: