How you ask (begging is a bad plan)

December 1, 2012

in Better Sex in 2012, Sexuality, Understanding Her

Last week in Keep asking and you might get lucky? I talked about the ineffective strategy of asking for sex every chance you get. I suggested that figuring out when she would tend to be open, and when she was too tired or overwhelmed to care, could help you. In short – improve your batting average by not swinging at every wild ball that goes by.

NO BEGGING sign © Annie Mole | flickr.com

So today, how should you ask when you ask? As with many things, it will depend on her personality, your personality, and the current situation. Some women will respond well to joking, others will take offence. Some are turned on by certain slang terms, while others want nothing to do with their hubby when he uses such words. This is more study, more trial and error, and being sure to keep mental notes on how she responds to certain approaches.

A few methods are bad for almost all women:

  • Begging: It is not sexy; it is pathetic. You might get sympathy sex, but sympathy sex is not what you want or need, and it tends to put her even more off sex.
  • Dealing: Offering her something in exchange for sex is very close to prostitution, and that is a very good way to offend her a great deal. Things are even worse if it works, because then you will be expected to “pay” every time, and she will be setting the price!
  • Veiled, or not so veiled, threats: Hinting that you might be tempted to look at porn, or commit adultery, or drive into a tree, are not a good way to get sex. Even joking about any of these is a very bad plan. Threatening (even by past example) to be as grumpy as humanly possible if she says no is also a bad plan.
  • If you loved me: Yes, love should motivate her to take care of you sexually. Love should also motivate you to do many things for her – are you doing all of those, and doing them well? This one is not really wrong, but it is a no win plan.
  • Smacking her upside of her head with a Bible: As in, “The Bible says you can’t say no!” Again, not really factually wrong, but you are not in the place to be telling her that. Besides, as many men can tell you, it does not work.

Things that do tend to improve the odds with most women:

  • Empathy: Know that sex is far more effort for her than it is for you, and find ways to communicate that to her. (No, this is not true for all women, but those for whom it is not true are usually saying yes nine times out of six.)
  • Be sure she is full: She is going to be more interested in and better able to have sex with you if you have been taking care of her most important needs. This is not tit for tat, but rather giving her what makes it easy for her to give to you. This is also leading by example.
  • Give her advanced notice: Even a couple of hours will help; she can get her mind into it, which helps her a great deal.
  • Give her options: Yes or no, right now, is a bad choice. Asking her when in the next day she can have sex is far better. Giving her some options of what to do is also a good thing.
  • Be willing to accept something just for you: I do not mean mercy sex, I mean sex in which you climax, and she does not. Some women do not want to climax every time, or do not feel the need to climax very often. If this is the case, she may be happy to have sex “just for you”. That might be intercourse, or it might be something else. If you have never had this discussion with her, do so. Be clear you are all about her pleasure when she wants it – including if she changes her mind halfway through – but you wonder if a solution to your “higher drive” might not be her sometimes doing something just for you.

Bottom line: Try thinking about how you want to be asked for things, especially things that are sometimes difficult for you to do. Apply that to how you ask for sex.

Well this is awkward… Should a post with a London underground “NO BEGGING” sign include a link to our donation page?

Image Credit: © Annie Mole | flickr.com

6 comments
landschooner
landschooner

"Smacking her upside of her head with a Bible: As in, “The Bible says you can’t say no!” Again, not really factually wrong, but you are not in the place to be telling her that. Besides, as many men can tell you, it does not work." Not disagreeing that it won't work, at least in the short term. But I don't understand the comment "but you are not in the place to be telling her that." If my wife was disrespecting me I would certainly let her know that she needs to treat me with respect. if it continued, I'd point her to the scriptures. I guess I don't really see the difference. LS

Ted
Ted

Very true! My wife had a lot of negative influence regarding sex growing up and in one church we belonged to,and still struggles with it although we haven't attended the church for over 15 years now.

workinprogress
workinprogress

Honestly, if a wife is not being receptive to her husband sexually, I don't see that there is any productive way to ask for sex. The issue needs to be addressed outside of the bedroom first. A husband needs to first talk to her in a safe way and approach it as concern for the health of their marriage, not just his personal lack of sexual fulfillment. She might not have never considered the fact that infrequent sex is detrimental to their marriage, and that regular sex feeds a marriage. Until she understands that, she is just always going to see it as "something he wants". Once I understood that sex is for US... not for just me, and not for just him, I began to regularly pursue my husband, because I want a strong marriage... and our sex became much more fulfilling for both of us as we slowed down and treated each sexual encounter as an integral part of our relationship. She really really does not know what she is doing when she rejects you sexually. She doesn't know that it is killing your marriage. And until she gets that, you probably aren't going to "get it" either :-) And honestly, the only women I know who really have no desire to improve their sex life are ones who have experienced sexual abuse as children. That wife needs to get healing through counselling. Everyone else would like to have a better sex life, they just don't know how to get there, or sex just hasn't been all that great for them so they don't understand what all the fuss is about. Give her a mind-blowing orgasm and she might start singing a different tune.

Ted
Ted

Excellent post! As a man who has tried all the bad options over my marriage o36 years, I can affirm that they in fact DO NOT work, and if they do somehow lead to sex it's not very satisfying.I only am truly satisfied when my wife is fully invested in the act,whether she wants an orgasm or not.Besides manipulation , which all the wrong ways amount to is just wrong on principle.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

landschooner - It's not that you should not point it out, but rather that your vested interest gives her a very easy way to ignore you. You seem to be using the Bible to get what you want, and it's easy to then find fault with that and ignore what is a valid message. This is ever more true if the man is not making a serious effort to live according to the Bible in most areas of his life. OTOH, if the church, or even better the ladies group at church, is teaching this, it is far more difficult to explain it away.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

workinprogress - In general I would agree with you - great points. I can't agree with you that only women abused as children have no interest in improving their sex lives. While that is probably true of most such women, there are also those who got very negative messages about sex growing up, and those who have so little relationship with their husband that the thought of sex with them is anything but nice.

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