Does Your Life Have Room for More Sex?

January 26, 2013

in Change, Margin, Quality Time, Sexuality

Two weeks ago, I discussed the fact having a lot of sex (daily or more) could add years to your life. I know a lot of you thought, “That’s nice, but my wife will never go for it.” While this is no doubt true for some, I suspect the bigger issue is many have built lives lacking enough time for more sex.

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If by “sex” we mean a quickie where you climax and she feels used, then sure, most of us could do more. But what if you want more quality sex? What if your goal is sex you and your wife can both enjoyed? Most women need a minimum of half an hour for good sex. That means it takes at least half an hour for the kind of sex that benefits her and makes her want more of the same. What’s more, half an hour is just what it takes in the bedroom. For a woman to want and enjoy sex she needs to feel connected with her man. She also needs time to relax and unwind before sex, and the busier her days, the more time she needs to relax. Many (most?) women are far too busy and stressed to have or enjoy more sex, no matter how much they may want or need it.

The fact is many couples lives don’t leave the time and room necessary for more sex. Many have a declining sex life because they don’t have the time and room to sustain what they currently have. If your life does not have time and room for more sex, you’re never going to have more sex. I’m not promising making time and room will mean more sex, but not making time and room guaranties you’ll have no more, and probably means less and less going forward. If you want any hope of more or better sex, you must make space for it in your life. If you are not making space, it means you don’t really want more. You must be willing to do what it takes to have more.

Are you thinking it doesn’t matter because your wife hates sex? Most men who think this are wrong. Yes, there are sexually wounded women, but a fair number either want or would be open to more sex if their marriage had time and room. Surveys suggest in 20% of marriages both the husband and the wife would like to have more sex. Add the women who would start to want more, or be willing to have more, if their marriage changed, and we see lack of time and room are major causes of low sex marriages.

So what do you need to do to make time and room for a healthy marriage and sex life? I touched on this with my The problem of “my time” post, and will share some additional thoughts in the next few days.

A note to wives: If your husband is the one saying no to sex, lack of room and time may well be an issue. Men are generally less affected by this, but are not immune to it.

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Robyn Gibson
Robyn Gibson

Great points Paul, if sex is to the soul of a marriage as important as food is to the body - then it should definitely be managed (or micromanaged even) into the weekly (or daily) plans!

Gaye @CalmHealthySexy
Gaye @CalmHealthySexy

Paul, I agree with you completely on this. Many, maybe most, families are just too busy. If the husband and wife don't manage the family's schedule so that they have time for each other, that time won't happen.


The thought of more sex sounds wonderful....unfortunately the way todays society is structured is not to encourage the family unit and everyone is preoccupied with stress of work, paying the bills, kids, both partners having to work full time to make ends meet is there any wonder that more quality sex gets put on the back burner ?


For a period of two weeks, we had no television. I think you will come to appreciate the decision as time passes. Yes, there will be times when you will sorely miss it. During times of natural disaster or political and social distress, we all like to stay as informed as possible and sometimes radio does not fill the bill. On the whole though, the quality of relationships will benefit, and almost anything you want to see on PBS can be viewed online at a time of your convenient choosing.


Very soon my wife and I and our three teen kids will be moving into a new house. We recently made a "policy decision" with which the kids agree. We will not be having a TV. (Some people might be picking themselves up off of the floor right about now.) I'm not saying this is inherently a more spiritual way to live than having a TV. This is simply our preference. After reading your excellent post today, I can think of another GREAT reason I'm glad we made the decision we made!!


  1. […] Husband, addressed this topic this week in two articles every husband and wife should read – Does your life have room for more sex? and The time and room your marriage […]

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