Can we at least have sex on Valentine’s Day?

February 2, 2013

in Sexuality

It is a day that is supposed to be all about love, so celebrating it with your wife will certainly include sex, right?

Valentine's Sex © Nyul | Dreamstime.com

If that is your experience, count your blessings, thank your wife for being awesome, and join me again Sunday. Otherwise…

I hear this often, that a guy cannot get sex on Valentine’s – or his birthday, or their anniversary, or Groundhog’s Day, or International Bacon Day (August 31st this year, BTW), or some other important holiday. I mean what is a celebration without sex, right?

Okay humour aside, I understand why men (and some women) think it is weird and a rather bad sign to not have sex on a day that is supposed to be all about love and romance. We see sex as one of the more powerful ways of showing love, and when that is not a part of the day it makes us wonder just how deep and real the love is.

Can you help your wife to understand this? Maybe. If it sounds to her like you are using Valentine’s as “one more excuse” to get sex, your situation is probably beyond her being able to hear you. (Even then, it is probably still worth a try – call it a teachable moment.)

How successful you are is going to depend, in part, on what she hears. Please note that what she hears may not be what you say or mean. She is going to filter what you say through her past, her feelings, her hurts, and so on. You cannot prevent that, but if you think it through you can word it so she is less likely to hear something you are not saying. Exact wording is going to vary from woman to woman, and you know her better than anyone else does, so it is really up to you. That said, a few thoughts:

  • Most women do not like sarcasm in general.
  • Humour might help, but it is more likely to hurt. You do not want her to think you see sex, or her feelings, as a joking matter. 
  • She is far more concerned about your emotions than your body.
  • You do not want her to think you saying that sex proves love. We all know a lot of sex has nothing to do with love.
  • Saying that sex is a way of showing love is a better plan.
  • Telling her you feel close and intimate after sex is good, provided your actions back that up. Neither falling asleep nor asking for a sandwich after sex does this, while staying awake to  snuggle or talk does.
  • If Valentine’s sex is about love and your relationship, it is not the day to get something special just for you.

© Nyul | Dreamstime.com

13 comments
Kwala
Kwala

Hi Robyn Thanks for your reply and the angle you have brought to it. Yes I do agree….only a few days after I began earnestly praying for a change, guess what? I experienced massive conviction (not guilt) for something I was doing; it was moreso an attitude than actually doing something but anway; you’ve heard the expression in churches of God “putting His Finger on something”, yeah well that was it. Further I am working on my attitude of a husband loving his wife like Christ loves the church; I thought I helped around the house, helped with the kids etc enough already. I’ve almost doubled what I do to help my wife; and I’m endeavouring to do this without “complaining and grumbling”. It’s not easy, especially when she doesn’t really notice the extra I’m doing to help. I have already taken the initiative and spoken to her about the issue (more like breaking down in front of her about how heartbroken I was at our lack of intimacy). And as such nothing has changed. Her response was that maybe I should find someone else because she feels she can’t satisfy me. (I can’t see how once or possibly twice a month is exhaustive, can you?) But above this, I have started shifting my prayer focus for her relationship with God to be stronger, for her to hear His voice, to be drawn to Him. That is my first prayer, followed by intimate matters. So that’s what I’m doing; allowing God to work on me and *hoping* He works on my wife. k

Kwala
Kwala

Iman - thanks for your prayers. Robyn - thanks as well. You said that you "used to be there too". Can I ask what changed and how? Did God impress on your heart? You realised what you were doing to your husband? All I can do, and am doing, is countless times a day praying, that God would give my wife a sexual awakening and change her attitudes. K

Robyn Gibson
Robyn Gibson

Kwala, this is such a rough part of marriage - and it shouldn't be, but it is for lots of couples. We used to be there too. I don't know your wife; but I know that mindset. "... doesn't see any days as being special." What this meant when I said it was: there are no days that I feel like a "special being."

IMAN
IMAN

Kwala, It breaks my heart to hear of your woes. To be like-minded, kindred spirits, of one flesh as God has intended is a special thing no marriage should be without. Know that today, this morning as I type this, someone in the world has prayed for you and your wife. IMAN

Kwala
Kwala

Hi people Very interesting topic, though I'd like to share how it is from my end. Something I've discovered over the past month of ernest praying for my intimacy life and marriage is that my wife doesn't see any days as being "special". In fact she has said this - in reference to a night recently when both kids were having a sleepover somewhere, and therefore because it was just us, we would be enjoying a night of love. Obviously it wasn't to be, and it ended up with me not sleeping due to me being so angry and hurt, and the next morning me breaking down in front of her. The subsequent conversation about lack of sex wasn't very inspiring. So according to my wife it's only going to happen when she's in the mood. We didn't have "Christmas sex" last year; I don't think we had birthday sex, Valentines Day sex, or quite possibly anniversary sex (even though it was our 10 year anniversary). It does upset me but hey it's not something I can change. I did get a pleasant Fathers Day surprise - um, that was...over 4 years ago. So as you can see I'm praying quite fervently my wife has a sexual awakening...... K

Randy
Randy

Every day is a special day. So why not everyday? For me, sexual intimacy is one of the outward expressions for what we feel for each other. As sad as it is, I don't even try on"special occasions" anymore just because my bride of 28 years knows that I desire her all the time. The sexual relationship is exclusive to our spouse. If we ignore it, we will find the responsible party staring back at us in the mirror.

workinprogress
workinprogress

July 15 should be a fun day! LOL J- I'm in the secret "women who love sarcasm club" with you! How about offering your wife a full body massage (or other delicacies) . Make it about giving to her, not getting *from* her. If she is really not pro-sex, I realize she probably isn't going to start ravaging you in the middle of her back massage, but at least she can't claim that all you're wanting is sex for yourself.

J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)

Iman, that was hilarious. I need to mark July 14 on my calendar. *grabbing red pen* And Paul, who are these women?: "Most women do not like sarcasm in general." No wonder I get weird looks from other women sometimes. Great points here! Wives also need to make sure they don't treat sex on Valentine's Day like it's some astounding self-sacrificial gift that should last hubby for the next two months. It should be a gift freely given with pleasure for both. Thanks, Paul.

IMAN
IMAN

After reading today's post my wife circled International Bacon Day, August 31st, on her calendar! Looks like we're going to "do it"! As a bonus, the 31st falls on a Sunday and you know what that means... correct, not only is there S E X but I'm allowed a guilt-free nap after church! I agree it's silly sounding, but so many are suffering in sexless marriages, it has real truth to it. We're busy with kids, school and jobs. That leaves us tired and frequently out-of-sorts in the bedroom. So, before we finished breakfast we had circled (in red) 24 days on the calendar that we WILL be doing "it". We agreed that days circled are bonus days, not the only days we'll have sex. A few notable days are: Feb 2nd, Groundhog Day (yes.. today) Feb 8th, National Girl Scout Cookie Day Feb 15th, the Day after VD Mar 3rd, Peach Blossom Day Mar 14th National Potato Chip Day Apr 1st, April Fool's Day Apr 11th, Barbershop Quartet Day May 12th, Mother's Day 2013 Jun 4th, Old Maid's Day (yes, it's real) Jul 14th, National Nude Day (this will take advance planning) Jul 15th, Tapioca Pudding Day Jul 29th, National Lasagna Day Aug 24th, Mt. Vesuvius Day (an explosion for an explosion?) Aug 31st, International Bacon Day Sep 1st, Emma M. Nutt Day (The first woman telephone operator in America) Sep 16th, Working Parents Day (might have to do it twice) Oct 2nd, Name Your Car Day Oct 6th, Mad Hatter Day (time for silliness) Nov 13th, National Indian Pudding Day Nov 15th, National Philanthropy Day (be generous and giving) Nov 23rd, Black Friday 2013 (stay home and save money) Dec 12th, National Ding-a-Ling Day IMAN

Robyn Gibson
Robyn Gibson

I'm glad for you Kwala, you will experience tremendous growth! It will require more than you have to give - but this is the whole purpose behind trusting God to fill in the gaps for us. Kudos to you for not giving up and praise to God for coming to your aid!

Robyn Gibson
Robyn Gibson

I'm sorry to disappoint you Kwala, but it wasn't a matter of being 'sexually awakened' - it was much bigger than that. If, as you say, "all" you can do is countless times a day pray ... that 'she' would change 'her' attitude" ... then your problem is your attitude. Now brother, hear me out first. If that is how you are praying, what you are doing is asking God to take you out of the trial, by removing it --->your wife's lack of desire being the 'problem' ... rather than dealing with it. I'm not saying what your wife is doing is right or pleasing to God either; but just because you're wife is wrong, it doesn't make you right. Someone has to go first to rectify disunity. God desires unity and it is the one with the loudest voice - 'biggest complaint' whom He chooses; in our marriage it was me. There is a phrase in counselling, "the issue is never the issue." I believe that. The issue is only manifested in the bedroom (or lack of). If as you say, you are praying 'countless' times a day be careful - it CAN become an idol. When I was praying for my husband to be saved, which is a good and pure and proper thing to do, I made his salvation an idol. That is to say, God confronted me with, "What if your husband doesn't become a believer? What will you do then - will you only be happy with Me if I give you whatever you want -- 'your own way'?" My change of heart, sexually, towards my husband came as a result of my changed heart with God. It wasn't about sex, it was only manifested there. God chose me to go first and rectify the disunity because I believed it was all my husband's responsibility to rectify it and make it right. Again, your wife is wrong to deny you what you desire; however, God could be choosing you to make the first move to the reconciliation of this dysfunction.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

J - It's clear you have no problem with sarcasm! Maybe women take it better from other women. I know a lot of women have been hurt by men who use sarcasm to put women down, so I get why some are sensitive to it.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

IMAN - THANKS so much for the list! I'm thinking Dec 12th should be special, but maybe I'm showing my age (and I never liked the song)

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