Being Offended Does Not Make You Right – or Her Wrong.

March 6, 2013

in Be a grownup, Marriage Killer, Seeing Clearly

Yesterday I talked about taking offence where none is intended. Seems some folks have made this their hobby. Some even do it on behalf of others. Still others seem to go out of their way to do it with their spouse.

Offended man © imagerymajestic | freedigitalphotos.net

Some use offence as a tool to manipulate and control. Being offended makes us feel superior, entitled, justified in our anger, or excused for withholding things from our spouse. When we learn to use offence in this way we start looking for offences, and if we can’t find an offence we may invent one.

Allow me to share a secret with you – being offended at your wife does not mean she has actually done anything wrong. Being offended at her does not make her wrong, nor does it make you right. What’s more, being offended doesn’t make you special, or powerful. If you use your being offended as a club to manipulate or control, it makes you a bully, not a victim.

If you are easily or often offended, it’s not about the people around you, it’s about you. Deal with it.

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10 comments
medawson
medawson

Thank you for your words. There are a lot of what I call pet peeve ... people chewing ice, heavy breathing, leaving cabinet doors open, etc. that just drive me nuts. This is an area that I have let creep into my relationship especially my marriage. It's one of many areas I am working to streamline and your post really helped put words into thoughts I have had.

medawson
medawson

Thank you for your words. There are a lot of what I call pet peeve ... people chewing ice, heavy breathing, leaving cabinet doors open, etc. that just drive me nuts. This is an area that I have let creep into my relationship especially my marriage. It's one of many areas I am working to streamline and your post really helped put words into thoughts I have had. 

VictoriaLloydJustesen
VictoriaLloydJustesen

So true.  Some of your other posts have alluded to learning this sort of behavior from your past.  It can be especially challenging for me growing up in a household that genuinely meant offence, but veiled it, to learn that most of the world truly does not operate this way.  After many years of working on it, I am learning to let go of that habit.

VictoriaLloydJustesen
VictoriaLloydJustesen

So true.  Some of your other posts have alluded to learning this sort of behavior from your past.  It can be especially challenging for me growing up in a household that genuinely meant offence, but veiled it, to learn that most of the world truly does not operate this way.  After many years of working on it, I am learning to let go of that habit. 

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband

@medawson It's a tough line to find, much less hold. I struggle with it regularly.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband

@VictoriaLloydJustesen Our childhood homes are sources of blessing and curses that flow into our marriages. The trick it to embrace the former and reject the latter.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

 @VictoriaLloydJustesen Our childhood homes are sources of blessing and curses that flow into our marriages. The trick it to embrace the former and reject the latter.

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