Being Offended Does Not Make You Right – or Her Wrong.

March 6, 2013

in Be a grownup, Marriage Killer, Seeing Clearly

Yesterday I talked about taking offence where none is intended. Some folks have made doing this their hobby. Some even do it on behalf of others. Still others of do not do this in general, but do it often with their spouse.

Offended man © imagerymajestic | freedigitalphotos.net

Some use offence as a tool to manipulate and control. Being offended can make us feel superior, feel entitled, justify our anger, or excuse us withholding things from our spouse. When we learn to use offence in this way, we start looking for offences, and if we cannot find an offence, we may invent one.

Allow me to share a secret with you – being offended at your wife does not mean she has actually done anything wrong. Being offended at her does not make her wrong, and it does not make you right. What’s more, being offended does not make you special, nor does it make you powerful. If you use your being offended as a club to manipulate or control that just makes you a bully, not a victim.

If you are easily or often offended, that is not about the people around you, it is about you. Deal with it.

Image Credit: © imagerymajestic | freedigitalphotos.net

10 comments
medawson
medawson

Thank you for your words. There are a lot of what I call pet peeve ... people chewing ice, heavy breathing, leaving cabinet doors open, etc. that just drive me nuts. This is an area that I have let creep into my relationship especially my marriage. It's one of many areas I am working to streamline and your post really helped put words into thoughts I have had.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband

@medawson It's a tough line to find, much less hold. I struggle with it regularly.

medawson
medawson

Thank you for your words. There are a lot of what I call pet peeve ... people chewing ice, heavy breathing, leaving cabinet doors open, etc. that just drive me nuts. This is an area that I have let creep into my relationship especially my marriage. It's one of many areas I am working to streamline and your post really helped put words into thoughts I have had. 

VictoriaLloydJustesen
VictoriaLloydJustesen

So true.  Some of your other posts have alluded to learning this sort of behavior from your past.  It can be especially challenging for me growing up in a household that genuinely meant offence, but veiled it, to learn that most of the world truly does not operate this way.  After many years of working on it, I am learning to let go of that habit.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband

@VictoriaLloydJustesen Our childhood homes are sources of blessing and curses that flow into our marriages. The trick it to embrace the former and reject the latter.

VictoriaLloydJustesen
VictoriaLloydJustesen

So true.  Some of your other posts have alluded to learning this sort of behavior from your past.  It can be especially challenging for me growing up in a household that genuinely meant offence, but veiled it, to learn that most of the world truly does not operate this way.  After many years of working on it, I am learning to let go of that habit. 

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

 @VictoriaLloydJustesen Our childhood homes are sources of blessing and curses that flow into our marriages. The trick it to embrace the former and reject the latter.

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