My errors

March 15, 2013

in Reader Requested, Roundup, Seeing Clearly, ~ list info

I have been reading comments and emails the last few days regarding what and how I am communicating here. A huge thanks to all who have taken the time, I really appreciate it. I see a couple of things I have done less than well, and I will work on making changes. My contention that women are naturally more relational than men has been mentioned by several, so I will use that some as I discuss a few specifics:

Ink, quill, and paper © Otnaydur | Dreamstime.com

  • Too much information: Not in the “TMI” way, but adding bunny trails. My mind makes connections, many, many connections. Those then spill out as I write. I actually remove a lot, but I think I need to do better at narrowing the focus. Whether or not women are more relational than men is usually not relevant to what I am saying, so I should skip it.
  • Failing to choose hills wisely: I can show all kinds of studies, both behavioural and brain scans to support my belief that women are naturally more relational than men, but so what? If I “prove” that to someone, does it do anything to help his marriage? I would say no, it does not. As such, it is tangential to my goal and at best diluting what I want to accomplish.
  • Making assumptions: One of the reasons I point out that women are more relational is I think this means we men have a disadvantage in this area. I point it out so men will realise they need to give extra effort there. However, I usually fail to explain that, just assuming everyone will get to the same logical conclusion I see. As I said, I make connections – however, I need to do better about realising not everyone is like that, and that some will make different connections.
  • Failing to express empathy: It really helps to know that someone gets you, and your struggles and temptations. I do well at that sometimes, but not as well as I thought. When challenged, I went looking for where I had said I understand why a man getting little or no sex would turn to porn, but I could not find myself saying such a thing. I need to do better about this.

Part of my reason for writing this all out is to give myself a checklist for the future (there is a marriage lesson there). I am also making a promise to you, my readers. If you decide this blog is not for you, I want it to be because of what I believe, not because I have failed to communicate clearly.

Image Credit: © Otnaydur | Dreamstime.com 

10 comments
Gaye
Gaye

I appreciate your blog and Lori's very much.  I have learned (or relearned) several important things from you.  Thanks for your dedication to helping marriages.

Gaye
Gaye

I appreciate your blog and Lori's very much.  I have learned (or relearned) several important things from you.  Thanks for your dedication to helping marriages.

cabinetmaker
cabinetmaker

Paul,

I too apprecate the humility of today's post...all of us would do well to have the same.

 

Okay, back to topic!  I know I'm not arguing women are more relational, I have no doubt.  But do you define relational as caring more and sinning less?  I don't...maybe I'm wrong. I think some of it has to do with how you define relational does it not?  What parameters fit inside that?  Does providing for your family count as relational?  Does protecting your family count as relational?  I think most would say no...but aren't those and others a very large part of what a man's relationship is with his wife?  The things we think of as relational tend to be the women's roles/strengths...hope I'm making sense.

 

Thanks again and God bless-

cabinetmaker
cabinetmaker

Paul, I too apprecate the humility of today's post...all of us would do well to have the same.   Okay, back to topic!  I know I'm not arguing women are more relational, I have no doubt.  But do you define relational as caring more and sinning less?  I don't...maybe I'm wrong. I think some of it has to do with how you define relational does it not?  What parameters fit inside that?  Does providing for your family count as relational?  Does protecting your family count as relational?  I think most would say no...but aren't those and others a very large part of what a man's relationship is with his wife?  The things we think of as relational tend to be the women's roles/strengths...hope I'm making sense.   Thanks again and God bless-

Rosemary West / forbetterorwhat.com
Rosemary West / forbetterorwhat.com

Paul, I don't agree with all your opinions, but I am always interested in what you have to say. No one is going to get all the words right all the time, especially with the challenge of blogging every day. What I admire is your humility, in the sense that you are willing to recognize your flaws and errors, and to work hard to keep improving. You set an example that all your readers would do well to emulate.

RosemaryWest / romanticmarriage.org
RosemaryWest / romanticmarriage.org

Paul, I don't agree with all your opinions, but I am always interested in what you have to say. No one is going to get all the words right all the time, especially with the challenge of blogging every day. What I admire is your humility, in the sense that you are willing to recognize your flaws and errors, and to work hard to keep improving. You set an example that all your readers would do well to emulate.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@cabinetmaker Caring more is certainly not a protection against sin - in fact it can lead to sin.

 

I do not think, nor do I think I have said, that women sin less. I think women as a whole do less harm to their husbands than men, as a whole, do to their wives. I can see how that might be read as a statement about how much each sins, but it is not. One can do harm without sinning, and one sin can hurt a little while another hurts a great deal.

 

Does providing for your family count as relational? What would you say if a woman might asked if all she does for the family counts when her husband is upset about sex? Just because we do something for someone does not mean it is dealing with all they want from us. I know more than a few women who would gladly live in a smaller place with less stuff if their husband were home more often. He sees his "providing" as proof of his love, while she sees it as an impediment to other things she wants and needs. You get the same in reverse when a woman gives so much time and energy to certain things that she has little left for sex. Both genders do it, and both hurt their spouses for it. When I talk to women I explain how important sex is to their husbands, and why they need to make time not just for sex, but to be involved and proactive about sex.

 

We all tend to downplay what is being done well, and over focus on what is not being done well. The question is how we deal work to fix that.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband

@cabinetmaker Caring more is certainly not a protection against sin - in fact it can lead to sin.   I do not think, nor do I think I have said, that women sin less. I think women as a whole do less harm to their husbands than men, as a whole, do to their wives. I can see how that might be read as a statement about how much each sins, but it is not. One can do harm without sinning, and one sin can hurt a little while another hurts a great deal.   Does providing for your family count as relational? What would you say if a woman might asked if all she does for the family counts when her husband is upset about sex? Just because we do something for someone does not mean it is dealing with all they want from us. I know more than a few women who would gladly live in a smaller place with less stuff if their husband were home more often. He sees his "providing" as proof of his love, while she sees it as an impediment to other things she wants and needs. You get the same in reverse when a woman gives so much time and energy to certain things that she has little left for sex. Both genders do it, and both hurt their spouses for it. When I talk to women I explain how important sex is to their husbands, and why they need to make time not just for sex, but to be involved and proactive about sex.   We all tend to downplay what is being done well, and over focus on what is not being done well. The question is how we deal work to fix that.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband

@RosemaryWest / romanticmarriage.org "Paul, I don't agree with all your opinions..."   GREAT!  Please speak up when you do not!

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