It is understandable that a lot of husbands turn to porn.

March 16, 2013

in Reader Requested, Sexuality

Did that title get your attention? It is a reply to an unstated double dog dare in recent comment.

Porn - it's a trap! © http://shar.es/e6Z68

Do I mean that title? Yes. I completely understand why a guy who is feeling sexually deprived, be it for quantity or variety of sex, would turn to porn. He has a huge hunger that is not being met, and porn looks like it can feed part of that hunger. Porn turns him on, which he is not getting from his wife. Porn makes masturbation better, which he is doing because he is not having much (or any) sex with his wife. Porn makes him feel like he has some control over his sex life, where as his marriage makes him feel like his wife has all the control over sex. I get it, I understand. 

However, in the immortal words of Admiral Ackbar “It’s a trap!” Porn is a temporary fix that actually makes a man’s married sex life worse. Porn cannot give him all that he wants sexually, and by giving him a skewed version of just part, it messes up his ability to want or enjoy real sex with his wife. Porn is like taking drugs to forget about being hungry – it works for a while, but you still need food even if you do not feel it, and you risk creating an addiction that will just make your life worse.

I am fortunate that I understood all this about porn before I got married. I got into porn at seven years of age, and by the grace of God, I got out of it at fifteen. When our sex life was rare and a source of pain and frustration, I was as tempted to look at porn as a starving man is to eat food he knows is full of poison. That is to say, my urges wanted me to do it, but my intelligence stopped me. Would it have been understandable had I decided that just a bit would not hurt me? Sure. Would it have hurt me, and my wife, and my marriage? SURE!

For any woman reading this, please do not think I am saying porn is okay, or no big deal. On the other hand, please realise that desperation often results in people doing things that are wrong, hurtful, and harmful. While you may not see a lack of sex as a reason for desperation, most men do.

Tomorrow: The Sermon on the Mount – marriage edition.

Can I get you to take a short survey? Does it matter to you how your wife looks at home

Image Source: http://shar.es/e6Z68

6 comments
A Trampled Wife
A Trampled Wife

What about a husband whose wife has been open with her body, being willing to dress in sexy outfits and do things he wants to do that he considers exciting, and has only denied him sex when she had a barfing flu or heavy periods--yet he turned to porn to the point where he would get up in the middle of the night to watch it and wake her up to act things out? What does this wife do? I feel so cheap and used.

Lee2_0
Lee2_0

I think what you're saying is what 1 Cor 7:3-5 is saying. When one person deprives, it is sinful and will OBVIOUSLY leave the other very vulnerable. Whoever is depriving needs to address those issues and not point out the sin in their partner. It's the whole Matthew 7:3 principle of pointing out the splinter in someone else's eye when you have a log in your own.

Lee2_0
Lee2_0

I think what you're saying is what 1 Cor 7:3-5 is saying. When one person deprives, it is sinful and will OBVIOUSLY leave the other very vulnerable. Whoever is depriving needs to address those issues and not point out the sin in their partner. It's the whole Matthew 7:3 principle of pointing out the splinter in someone else's eye when you have a log in your own.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@A Trampled Wife I'm sorry you have to deal with this!

My first thought is whether the turned to porn, or have a past with porn - he may be returning to something from before he was married. 

Porn use is often (I'd say usually) more about stress relief than anything else. Not necessarily sexual stress, but any stress. It is like drinking, overeating, or taking drugs to deal with life. Just as with anything that gives relief, it can becomes an addiction.

I would kindly refuse to be part of his porn use, which would include not acting out what he has seen and not being his source of release after he uses porn to get all worked up. Tell him if he wants sex with you that is fine, but if he uses porn he is on his own - his choice.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

 @Lee2_0 Paul is very clear that a lack of sex leads to temptation. Even if the one tempted escapes, I think the one who put them in that position will answer to God.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband

@Lee2_0 Paul is very clear that a lack of sex leads to temptation. Even if the one tempted escapes, I think the one who put them in that position will answer to God.

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