Last week I did a survey asking women about “afterplay” – what happens after sex. The full results are here, below is what I see as the important takeaways.
Does afterplay really matter? One woman who now gets afterplay but didn’t for years said, “Didn’t help the sex life at all, no sense of intimacy.” Others talked about how their husband getting up and leaving, or falling asleep, made them feel unloved or used.
How are husbands doing? Seven percent of the women say they fall asleep right after sex, and two percent say they have no interest in afterplay. This means 91% are awake and want something following sex (and most who fall asleep want hubby there next to them while they fall asleep). When asked how well their husband does at afterplay, only 15% said he does well. Another 25% said fairly well, and 13% said some but not good enough. Fifteen percent complained their guy falls asleep immediately and seventeen percent said there is no afterplay. Add it all up, and 75% of the women are less than satisfied with what happens “after sex”.
What do women want and not want during afterplay? There’s some variation; for anything some (or many) women wanted, one or a few said they didn’t want it. Then there is the just under 2% who want to be “left alone” after sex. The following will give you some ideas, but you’ll need to discover what your wife most wants. Cuddling/snuggling was the clear winner, with 72% of women putting it in their top three list of post sex activities. Just over half want to fall asleep in their husband’s arms. When you add those who said snuggle and those who said fall asleep in his arms, the total is 80% (some said both). A third want to hear words of love, and half indicated they want some form of affirmation.
Beyond that, it gets tricky. Nineteen percent want mildly sexual fondling, but 26% do not want such contact. Nineteen percent said they would like another orgasm, while a similar number made a point of saying they did not want another. Thirteen percent want to hear how good sex was for him, but 8% specifically do not want to hear about this, and 19% do not want to discuss sex at all during afterplay. Only 4% said they did want to discuss sex. Having a snack was desired by 6%, but not wanted by 41%. About a quarter want some kissing, but 6% specifically do not want kissing. Most women are not up for deep conversation after sex – only 8% want it, while 35% said they don’t.
The number one thing women do not want after sex if for their husband to get out of bed and leave them alone. This was not a choice in the original survey, but was added after two of the first five who answered made this point in the comments. Fully two thirds of the wives said they didn’t want him leaving them! Another common issue found in the comments was hubby getting on his phone or computer right after sex.
Bottom line: She probably feels a need to stay connected after you think sex is over. Even if she falls asleep, she wants to do so with you there. Anything you do that makes you feel less there or less focused on her is likely to make her feel bad, and making her feel bad right after sex is an exceedingly bad plan!