Celebrating the Male Sex Drive

May 18, 2013

in Change, Seeing Clearly, Sexuality

Why are so many otherwise decent, loving, Christian women unwilling to be sexually generous with their husband? Seriously, it’s like an epidemic! What’s causing this? Sure, there are all kind of things we can blame, but is there one major cause? I think there is. (If you blog about marriage, don’t miss my challenge at the bottom!)

Male Sexuality! © fotographic1980 | freedigitalphotos.net

I once heard a woman say something to the effect of “If he wanted it less, I would do it more.” Why would a woman feel that way? I think many women would identify at least somewhat with the following:

  • “He doesn’t desire me; he just wants to use parts of me for his pleasure.”
  • “He wants an orgasm, and I’m the only place he’s allowed to put it.”
  • “If my vagina fell out, he’d leave me.”

Can we start by agreeing feeling those things wouldn’t make one feel good about sex? If your wife feels any of those, even a bit, it’s reducing her interest in sex. Can you understand why a woman who felt those things would see her husband wanting less sex as a good sign, as an indication he really loved her?

Are you yelling at the screen you’re not that guy? I get it! However, what affects your wife is not how you are, but how she thinks/fears you are.

Okay, but if you are not that way, why does she think you are sexually selfish? The sad reality is the world around us is full of examples of sexually selfish men. Most porn is just about his pleasure, often at the expense of the woman. The stereotypical frat boy or man at a bar is there to “get lucky” or “score” and he doesn’t care who he hooks up with as long as it ends in sex. Common sayings such as “Your standards go down at closing time” and “Doesn’t matter, had sex” give the impression men are all about sex with any halfway willing woman.

Some men are sexually selfish, and part of our society glorifies such behaviour. I don’t think it is the norm, but it’s real and it’s not rare. Caring parents rightly warn their daughters about this to protect them, and by marriage most women have a couple of first hand experiences with and many second-hand examples of men who only care about “getting some”. She enters marriage fearful men are controlled by their penises, and human nature is to see what we fear even when it is not there. Then there’s a husband’s very normal, and God-given, excitement about having sex with his wife till neither of them can walk; a woman can easily misread this as selfishness. He says something that can be taken more than one way, and she takes it wrong, and so it starts. It becomes a vicious cycle she’s afraid to rethink, and a catch 22 he can’t escape.

So how do we change this? I don’t just mean how do you change it in your marriage, how do we as the church change this?

Education

We need to teach the truth about male sexuality as God designed it and married sex as God intended it to be. We need to stand up and say men have extremely strong drives (compared to the average woman) and it’s God’s doing. The horrible things that happen because of misusing the male sex drive are the result of sin, and sin never makes what God created bad or wrong. The male sex drive is God’s creation, and we need to learn how to use it as God intended. We need to teach everyone downplaying the drive is just as wrong as using it outside of God’s boundaries. Denying a man a healthy married sex life isn’t just doing him wrong; it is saying God is wrong.

We need to proclaim proudly that God gave men a strong drive to encourage couples to have regular, healthy sex lives. We need to communicate that a good sex life is not just a bonus in marriage; a healthy sex life is necessary to have the kind of marriage God calls us to have.

I’m not trying to beat up on anyone here, because both men and women are victims in this. It’s not just women, we’ve all believed lies about the male sex drive. Most men think they’re “oversexed” or “want more sex than I should expect my wife to have”. As long as these lies live in the church, couple’s sex lives will be a mess, which hurts marriages, which hurts families, which hurts churches and communities. This is not just a marriage issue – it goes far beyond that.

My challenge: Here’s my challenge to everyone, but especially to bloggers, pastors, and teachers: Make it a point to celebrate the male sex drive anywhere you have influence. Stop allowing sex to be treated as shameful or evil. Proclaim that God gave men a strong sex drive for a reason, and teach we must embrace that fact if we want to have healthy marriages, families, and communities. Challenge those who express lies about sex being dirty or shameful and those who say sex should never be discussed.

We don’t have to change the minds of those who are convinced sex is bad, we just have to speak the truth enough to drown out their voices. If they learn they’ll be lovingly challenged with the truth, many will stop speaking the lies they believe. We need to make calling sex bad like being openly racist is (in most places) – some will still feel it, knowing it’s not culturally acceptable to speak those lies they will remain silent. I want the church to be a culture that openly proclaims sex is good!

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6 comments
bbh999
bbh999

Great post, Paul. The women's lib movement has practically succeeded in making men ashamed to be men. Men are characterized as monsters and their needs are not legitimate.

If I were a pre-marriage counselor, the first thing I would do with a new couple would be to turn to the woman and say, “You know he’s going to want to have sex with you a lot of times for a lot of years, don’t you? If you’re not prepared to receive him enthusiastically and generously until you’re, say, 85 years old, save yourself a lot of misery and break it off right this minute.”

Then I would tell them both what was the motto for my first wife (deceased since 1994) and me: “If you want a great marriage, sleep naked!”

If she complains that would make her his “sex toy”, I would counter with the idea the he will be her sex toy also. And each of them will be the only sex toy the other will have as long as they are both alive. It’s God’s design so what’s wrong with that? God’s word says plainly that the marriage bed is undefiled (Heb 13:4 KJV).

It’s way easier for a husband to want to please his wife if he is sexually satisfied by an enthusiastic mate than if he is lonely, angry and horny all the time – the exact condition he was in before they married.

You women have two choices. You can choose to live with anger, resentment and a man who, every day, stops to wonder why in the world he asked this woman to marry him. Or you can choose to have a husband who stops several times a day from whatever he is doing and ponders how he is the luckiest individual male human being on the planet – without exception.

ecorpe
ecorpe

Paul, you are a special person.... your message and rant was a lot deeper than you may realize.  The very soul wrecking thought process, lies, and evil brought on by the anti-sex message has cost many of us a lifetime of happiness, when God meant it for exactly that 'to bring a lifetime of happiness'.   

Reading this, I came to tears....the message resonated with me deeply.....I don't know what to say other than, Keep speaking the truth, brother.  Keep speaking the truth....

I have that treasure now in my marriage,  it is our secret.  We listen to other couples and their troubles... certainly all humans have conflict.  But the secret is the 'total marriage  with a strong, passionate, loved, and very frequently expressed physical sexual component.  It connects us, and binds me to her more than ANYthing else.  Period.  It makes me open to all she has to give me and caused me to give her literally 'all of me'...and then look for more of the inner me to give her.   

I am a witness in full agreement with your message and mission.  After much pain, suffering and searching, God gave me the blessing I have now in my marriage.

Deep man, deep....

SexWithinMarriage.com
SexWithinMarriage.com

Amen!  That is the mindset I am trying to teach as well on my blog.  I'll accept that challenge any day of the week!

Trackbacks

  1. […] Today, I am taking Paul Byerly’s (the_generous_husband) challenge to celebrate my husband&#821… If you are married, celibacy is not your spiritual gift. So, why do so many married men feel like they are living in a monastery? There was a time I was a none (yes, wordplay intended).   In our marriage, I’ve lived on both sides of the convent wall. I work on gut instinct, intuition.  Mr. Muscle’s sex drive isn’t intuitive for me. ( Yes, that’s present tense.) Because it’s not intuitive, in the dark phase of our marriage, I counted his sexual need as frivolous.  I think I know why. In 1Corinthians 7, the apostle Paul speaks words that say it is not a sin to be married.  But, it is better to be unmarried.  If you are unmarried, your concern is not divided between the Lord’s Kingdom and your relationship with your spouse.  This could be construed to imply that sexual intimacy is what is keeping one from their right relationship with the Lord. I discovered St. Paul is not saying that the absence of sex is what helps us focus more on spiritual matters.  He is saying the absence of the entire spousal relationship is what frees a single person to devote more of their energy to serving and loving the Lord.   Add children into the mix and you have even less time to devote to the Lord. Sexual intimacy is not counter to our spiritual life.  It’s God ordained!!  He created it not just for procreation but for recreation.  Sexual Intimacy can rock your marital spiritual life and leads to betterindividual spiritual lives. Even as a low libido wife who doesn’t intuitively understand why my husband has an aching need, I feel blessed to have Mr. Muscle’s urge to keep us connected in that way.  We’d just be roommates if it weren’t for slipping out of the monastery to celebrate our love in a physical way.  Now that I’ve experienced the harmony consistent lovemaking brings to our relationship, I never want to settle for being roomies again! I’ve encountered the healing of sexual harmony.  YOU can, too!!!!  Don’t settle.  If lovemaking is something you struggle with, do some serious introspection and PRAY. Pray for a feeling of gratitude about who your husband is.  You married a guy who set you on fire.  He was and is amazing.  But, forced into a life that doesn’t include consistent sexual intimacy may have changed his demeanor (can you say grumpy, crabby, absolute jerk?).   Pray for release of fear.  I think we fear that we will have to manage some uncomfortable situations if we give ourselves permission to be a sensual wife.  It’s quite the opposite. If there are more serious issues within your relationship, pray for the right resource to be revealed to you.  But, don’t give up!!  He didn’t sign up to be a monk and you didn’t sign up to be a none. […]

  2. […] he’s only right. Go read the rest of his post; you need to know that you are normal, that there is nothing wrong with you, and that your drive is […]

  3. […] Let us proclaim the wisdom of God and celebrate the male sex drive!  […]

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