Have you made it impossible to get the sex you want in your marriage? We regularly hear from women whose husbands have done this, although the men would deny it because they don’t see the situation clearly.
Some examples (all real with fake names):
Jim wants his wife Sally to climax when they have sex. He tells her he doesn’t enjoy sex very much when she doesn’t climax. However, Jim feels a woman should climax during intercourse, and it should happen without any additional stimulation. Jim also thinks any position other than missionary is unacceptable. While some women can climax within these restrictions, and some can learn to do so, the majority cannot; and Sally is one of those who cannot.
Another common scenario:
Bob is unable to bring Mary to climax, something they both very much want. Mary suggests she could learn to climax on her own and then teach Bob. Bob has a lot of porn use in his past, and Bob cannot masturbate without wrong thoughts. Bob assumes the same is true for Mary, and forbids her masturbating.
Ralph wants Freda to initiate sex regularly. Freda is happy to have sex as often as Ralph wants, but she rarely feels any desire for sex until foreplay is well under-way. Because she doesn’t feel desire outside of sex, Freda doesn’t think about sex, and thus doesn’t think of initiating. She has tried doing it just because Ralph wants it, but it feels unnatural and she finds it much more difficult to get aroused and climax when she initiates.
A few more:
Dan wants his wife to have multiple orgasms. Chad wants his wife to orgasm when he stimulates her breasts. Ronaldo wants his wife to female ejaculate. All of these are things some women can do, but some women will never be able to do these no matter what or how hard they try.
In all of these cases, the man has set up boundaries that make it impossible he will ever have the kind of sex he wants. The men can’t see the truth of this for one of several reasons. Most commonly, they don’t know or deny a truth about female sexuality – assuming woman is just a man without a penis. Other times husbands simply refuse to “do the math” thus not seeing they have built an impossible blockade to what they want. Often the man blames his wife, getting angry at her, telling her she is refusing him, or is holding back, or is putting him danger of cheating on her.
Have you done this? More importantly, would your wife say you’ve done it? If you have done this, you have a few choices.
- Change nothing, become more frustrated, and hurt your marriage.
- Give up ever having what you want.
- Change what you want.
- Change some of your boundaries.
The last of these seem like the best choice to me. The difficulty is this requires admitting you were wrong, and may require you changing what you believe. Odds are you believe some lies about female sexuality and/or what God says is and is not sin.
Lady bloggers rising to my challenge: In last Saturday’s post, Celebrating the male sex drive, I challenged those with an audience to “celebrate the male sex drive”. Several ladies who blog to other women have taken me up on this. If you are aware of others, let me know: