Fake it till SHE Makes it

June 21, 2013

in 2013 Awesome Husband, Acts of Service, Series, YOU4HER

I started this series talking about how “fake it till you make it” actually does work. What about faking it till SHE changes?

Aim for her better self © Stuart Miles | freedigitalphotos.net

I don’t have hard data to back it up, but we’ve all seen others live up to or down to our expectations, and what I’m suggesting is along those lines. Figure out how you would treat her if she were the wife God wants her to be, and start treating her that way now.

Is there a chance your wife will take advantage of this? Is it possible you’ll treat her better and she’ll stay the same? Yes and yes. Is it the right thing to do even if it doesn’t result any change in your wife? I think it is. That said, I find it unlikely many women could stay the same if this is done well and long-term.

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I have seen a change already this week. I have made an effort to pray with my wife every morning before I go to work all this week. Today, she knew I was having a bad time at work and came at lunch to "lift me up", in the past she would not have done this. We have also been talking about being more positive in how we discuss others and situations, more of a speak blessings instead of curses kind of thing.

Rosemary West / forbetterorwhat.com
Rosemary West / forbetterorwhat.com

I was thinking about something like this just yesterday. In college, most of my teachers had positive attitudes and encouraged their students. Even students who were doing poorly were treated with the attitude that they could do better, and were given encouragement and guidance. Instead of just marking mistakes on a paper, the good teachers would also add comments about what had been done right, and suggest that the students develop further in that direction. One professor, though, was a very negative guy who only made criticisms. He would mark even the tiniest of errors on a paper (sometimes even imaginary errors!) and never comment on what was right. In the positive teachers' classes, questions were answered, discussion was encouraged, and errors were corrected good naturedly. In the negative teacher's class, questions were perceived as irritating interruptions, discussion was just a way for the teacher to one-up his students, and errors were viewed with contempt. In the positive teachers' classes, students were inspired to work hard, discuss assignments with interest, and do as good a job as possible on homework. They came away feeling a sense of achievement. In the negative teacher's class, students were inspired to skip class, put off their homework until the last minute, and not even bother to read the assignments.

Of course, there are always some students who will achieve at a high level no matter what barriers are in their way, and other who will never make an effort no matter what the subject or the teacher. But I have seen how the majority respond to encouragement vs. discouragement, to helpful critiques rather than endless criticism. I see this in marriage, too. How I respond to my husband's attitude toward me, and how he responds to mine. How we can encourage each other to make corrections so that we are both happy with the results, rather than simply complaining or stonewalling when things don't go our way. Yes, sometimes we do complain and criticize. Nobody's perfect!

My heart goes out to the commenter whose wife is so unwilling to change. Sadly, not every spouse can be reached, and not every marriage can be fixed, and perhaps his is one of those cases. But I believe that under normal conditions (and sometimes even abnormal conditions!)  most people will respond if given the right kind of encouragement.


Tried it for eight years and nothing changed. No kisses (Plenty of kisses during the courtship - none since the first year of two of the marriage. She's a liar and a fraud and very ungenerous toward her husband). No holding hands. No nothin'. Sex every six weeks to three months without fail (Always at her initiation. "Again?!?" "Aren't your done yet?:" So I quit trying). Sometimes she "participates" sometimes she's just there. Can't ever tell.

Though there's not any real foreplay (her choice) she thinks it's an evil plot of mine whenever her orgasms fail to come. She does everything wrong - everything to guarantee failure - then she blames me. She thinks she's done a wonderful job as a wife if I ejaculate. Everything I do on my own initiative, whether in bed or out, gets corrected.

I tried it your way for eight years and nothing happened. So I actually told her what an acceptable standard of performance is and if she wanted "that wonderful husband I married" (her words) back she will have to start treating me with love and respect. That was too big of a price to pay - nothing changed. I even bought her a copy of "Have a New Husband by Friday" and she wouldn't read it.

I am sick and tired of being lonely, horny and angry and "sitting on the corner of the roof" to avoid this contentious woman.

Please don't tell me to pray that God would change her. I pray every day and in 18 years nothing has changed. Her mind is made up. Since all men are animals (again her word), our needs and desires are not legitimate. If I am happy then I win and she loses - and that ain't gonna happen. There's no such thing as a win-win in her book.

In the words of Jerry Clower: "Shoot up here amongst us; cuz one of us needs some relief!"

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