Do Not Let it Slide!

August 2, 2013

in Be a grownup, Headship/Submission, Her Needs, Seeing Clearly, YOU4HER

Years ago, the wife of a ministry leader told me, “When he gets grumpy – just let him be.” Nice of her to warn me, but I see a problem there. Apparently he and she both saw his grumpiness as an acceptable thing, and felt the best way to deal with it was ask others to give him a pass.

Upset wife © stockimages |

Yes, I’m all about grace, but the Bible is clear we’re supposed to help each other grow up. Being grumpy, or short, or distant, or giving someone, “the silent treatment” is not how God intends for us to act. We have a biblical mandate to help those who walk in these things work to do so less and less often. Yes, we do it in love and with grace, and we make sure we have checked our eyes for logs first, but with all that done we need to mention the wrong behaviour.

Where should you be doing this with your wife? Have you held back because you don’t want to rock the boat? Do you let her outburst at the children pass because you hope to have sex soon? Do you ignore gossip because “it’s her life”? Do you agree with her when she badmouths people because you want to make her feel better?

Step up, do what’s right! And, if you’re the one who is grumpy, or whatever, you know what you should do, right?

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A Heart to Know
A Heart to Know

At least for myself, I've noticed that any grumpiness is never really about what it seems to be about. Grumpiness is just a cover for fear, or insecurity, or feeling "not good enough" or overwhelmed.  (I'm sure there are others…)  The problem - it's not very useful.  It doesn't solve anything.  And it has the potential to offend others and erect some big walls.

I have so much admiration for my husband when he displays the courage necessary to step into my grumpiness in order to save me from my "self", from wasting time, and from possibly bigger problems down the road.  (Suppressed negative emotions have a way of eventually working their way out -- sometimes even under the disguise of a health issues like acid reflux, a weakened immune system, hormonal imbalance, high blood pressure, etc.)

Grumpiness is an opportunity for intimacy!

The caveat -- proceed with caution... Approach makes all the difference in the world.  No assumptions, no accusations, no judgment - just thoughtful questions and validation (which does not in any way mean 'agreeing with' or supporting but just recognizing feelings as being understandable under the given circumstances).


I agree but what I had difficulty with is when attempting to deal with the "attitude," it always turns into a much less than peaceful circumstance. God also told us to be at peace with all men so much as is within us. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that if the "grump" is not willing to acknowledge his or her responsibility for their actions or reactions, then for the sake of peace, it is better to keep your mouth shut for as long as is necessary until the "grump" becomes an "ungrump."  The grump should be willing to acknowledge his or her attitude and work to correct it, but if not, then for the sake of peace - silence on my part is much less of a tool for satan to us to bring chaos in a relationship.

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@jsdelcamp A valid point, and what I did with the man in question. However, I expect better from a leader, and his unwillingness to deal with it did change how I saw him and related to him.

I don't think we should harp on something over and over. Once we have made the point, it is in their hands. My concern is not making the point at all!

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