All this talk of helping her see her sin and growing up is fine, but what about applying it in the bedroom?
This is one of the most difficult applications for most, especially if sex has been an issue of contention for years. I’ve written a good deal about this in the past, so I will make a few points, and then direct you to other posts.
- Getting angry is rarely helpful when trying to bring about change and this is especially true with sex. No one wants to have sex with someone who is angry, and having sex to prevent anger is destructive to a relationship. I understand why you feel angry, I am simply pointing out dealing with your anger before you talk to her is a good plan.
- Telling her she’s sinning is unlikely to work. While I think the Bible is clear on this, there is plenty of debate about what 1 Cor 7 “really means”. The church has given women cover on this if they want to take it.
- Threats, spoken or implied, that you might fall into porn use or worse will probably do more harm than good. Not just a bad idea, but manipulative and in no way godly.
- Telling her the lack of sex makes you feel unimportant or unloved is usually a good way to go. As I said earlier, women connect with feelings.
- Asking her what you can do to make it easier for the two of you to have more sex is also a good idea.
- Being flexible will help. Be willing to have sex at a different time of day, or do something other than full intercourse.
Last year I did thirty articles under the Better Sex in 2012 category.
In late 2009 and early 2010, I did a series on getting an uninterested or unwilling wife to have more sex. The series starts with What sex should be. You will find links to the rest of the series at the bottom of each post.
A couple of other things:
- Don’t feed the trolls: I’ve had some “trolls” show up to make comments on this series. No idea how they got pointed this way, but it has made things interesting. I allowed some of their comments to stay. I did not approve the ones that were so rude they got caught by the spam filters. Just ignore those who are clearly here to pick a fight; they go away if no one plays.
- Aside from the trolls, this series has received several negative comments from women. One summed it up with this: “…it seems that generally wives are told “oh, you can’t change him, you can only change yourself”. Then men are told “you can change her, really you can! Beat her down if that’s what it takes. But by God she will submit!“ I’ve only been reading a few marriage blogs for a few months, but that pretty much sums it up!“
Given how I’ve been chastised of late for being too easy on wives and too hard on husbands, I find getting the exact opposite sadly funny. If both sides think I am too hard on their gender, does that mean I’m really balanced?