Helping Her Grow Up – Sex

August 10, 2013

in Links to good stuff, Series, Sexuality

All this talk of helping her see her sin and growing up is fine, but what about applying it in the bedroom?

NO! © Stuart Miles |

This is one of the most difficult applications for most, especially if sex has been an issue of contention for years. I’ve written a good deal about this in the past, so I will make a few points, and then direct you to other posts.

  • Getting angry is rarely helpful when trying to bring about change and this is especially true with sex. No one wants to have sex with someone who is angry, and having sex to prevent anger is destructive to a relationship. I understand why you feel angry, I am simply pointing out dealing with your anger before you talk to her is a good plan.
  • Telling her she’s sinning is unlikely to work. While I think the Bible is clear on this, there is plenty of debate about what 1 Cor 7 “really means”. The church has given women cover on this if they want to take it.
  • Threats, spoken or implied, that you might fall into porn use or worse will probably do more harm than good. Not just a bad idea, but manipulative and in no way godly.
  • Telling her the lack of sex makes you feel unimportant or unloved is usually a good way to go. As I said earlier, women connect with feelings.
  • Asking her what you can do to make it easier for the two of you to have more sex is also a good idea.
  • Being flexible will help. Be willing to have sex at a different time of day, or do something other than full intercourse.

Last year I did thirty articles under the Better Sex in 2012 category.

In late 2009 and early 2010, I did a series on getting an uninterested or unwilling wife to have more sex. The series starts with What sex should be. You will find links to the rest of the series at the bottom of each post.

A couple of other things:

  • Don’t feed the trolls: I’ve had some “trolls” show up to make comments on this series. No idea how they got pointed this way, but it has made things interesting. I allowed some of their comments to stay. I did not approve the ones that were so rude they got caught by the spam filters. Just ignore those who are clearly here to pick a fight; they go away if no one plays.
  • Aside from the trolls, this series has received several negative comments from women. One summed it up with this: “…it seems that generally wives are told “oh, you can’t change him, you can only change yourself”. Then men are told “you can change her, really you can! Beat her down if that’s what it takes. But by God she will submit! I’ve only been reading a few marriage blogs for a few months, but that pretty much sums it up!
    Given how I’ve been chastised of late for being too easy on wives and too hard on husbands, I find getting the exact opposite sadly funny. If both sides think I am too hard on their gender, does that mean I’m really balanced?

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Great post....Can you please write a post about oral sex. My husband who said he never really enjoyed oral have performed oral sex in the past prior to our marriage. He Is now saying that oral sex is a sin and he refuses to perform oral sex. We've argued about this to the point where we almost got divorced... I am sexually unsatisfied with out oral sex. Every time we are intimate my husband is able to feel pleasured(he orgasm). However, I've only felt pleasured twice since we've been intimate. I asked him what he rates our sex life 1 being the worse and 5 being the best...he said 4.75...but my rating is a 1!  A lot of times when he initiate sex....I just lay down and hope for it to be over with as soon as possible.

I have begin praying about other aspects in our marriage and have noticed a 360 change... Now I will begin praying about our sex life because it's nothing what I would have thought....I was celibate 3 years before marriage...If I would have known what I knew now I probably would have remained single and celibate. 


I LOVE your posts. I don't see them as men try to change your wives. I read them to improve myself and my marriage. They are very instructional, which I find helpful. Your tips generally take longer to see change. The generous wife which I take because they are immediately practical are immediately implemented. I have a lot of down time by myself, so those posts rarely get to happen in person so i have to modify them for long distance. Being giving to your spouse while working on yourself covers both bases. I think each person Ina marriage is 100% responsible for their own behavior, but our behavior impacts the other person. So it is vital that it is positive impact. Thanks for your direction.

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@tori7879 Thanks! I try to do some of the immediately practical, but it's not how my mind works.I think a mix of both is the best option.


Sadly the majority of people, majority of the time, have "self" as #1 (including Christians).  So any writings, talks or anything that points to the fact that they may be wrong or that they need to change, is not received, but rebutted.  Keep sharing and doing the ministry you are called to, and there will be some who will "receive" and their marriages will be forever changed.  Mine was, by a simple blog.  (Really, the story is much deeper and complex, but it was a blog that God used to open my eyes to my sins.)

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@janna94 Rebutted not received - BINGO! Of course I know this is my first response all to often - still working on that.

Thanks for the encouragement. I know God uses what I do - which is why I keep doing it.


Concerning the comment  "Then men are told “you can change her, really you can!" - Eph 4:29 says that we are to speak in a way that builds up, that conveys grace to the hearer.  As the speaker, I have a primary responsibility to make sure that what I say is said in such a way that the hearer knows that I want their best, that I care about them.  That does not mean that what I say will be taken positively, only that I have a responsibility to make it as easy to hear as possible - which takes much prayer and wisdom.

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@marseille55 You are right. Unfortunately this is very difficult in this format. Those who hang around awhile should get a feel for that, but any single post can be construed as something else.


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