A Dangerous Truth

August 17, 2013

in Sex Positive, Sexuality

I recently tweeted the following:

“Sexual refusal does not excuse sexual sin, but it does place your spouse in the temptation bull’s eye.”

As far as I am concerned, that is truth. I think anyone who debates it doesn’t understand sexuality very well. However, I had several complaints about the tweet. 

Can't trust men! © digitalart | freedigitalphotos.net

A woman had several negative comments, including “this tweet leads to one spouse telling the other “if u don’t have sex w me right now I will cheat on u” – which is coercion.” and “this tweet enables marital abuse and rape.

While a gentleman said I had, “confused the sacrament of marriage for ownership and servitude.”

This is the culture we live in; so about being “politically correct” and so into victim-hood that certain truths are just too dangerous to speak. “Someone might take that truth and use it wrongly, and then wouldn’t you feel bad?”

Sigh

It seems sex in particular falls into this category rather often. Men are sex-crazed monsters, and if you give them half an excuse they’ll take advantage of you… or worse! It’s enough to make men think the only way to show they care about women is to be castrated!

Okay, enough ranting – I do have a point. 

Men, God made you sexual. He gave you sex organs and a strong sex drive. He designed you to fall in love with a woman, marry her, and have wild, passionate sex with her for the rest of your life. Your desire to grab her butt and fondle her breasts is from God, and the way her naked body affects you is part of God’s plan. Do not let our messed up culture tell you your sexuality is wrong. Don’t let your wife’s fear and wrong beliefs convince you that you should change. Sure, you’ve made mistakes and no doubt have some wrong ideas or desires to deal with, but the immense size and staggering force of your sex drive is neither wrong nor inherently selfish. Pray for God to direct your drive appropriately, as you allow Him to clean up any areas that need work. And please, know God is for your sexuality! 

Or to put it simply, as one fellow did on twitter “The #rapeculture commentary the other day has bothered me ever since. I’m not a bad person for wanting to have sex with my own #wife.

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19 comments
ChuckFisher
ChuckFisher

I've used this analogy before. A person climbing over the wall of the marriage commitment stands on the shoulders of the refusing spouse.

Roomtogrow
Roomtogrow

@TheGenerousHusband @ForgivenWife @RosemaryWest / romanticmarriage.orgThis same truth could be stated using 'emotional & relational refusal' in place of sexual refusal. Of course I am responsible for my actions but, when my husband refuses to engage in a complete relationship with me, whatever his reasons (in contrast to one that is either only sexual or nothing), I am in the cross-hairs of the enemy as far as another man paying attention to me as a person. I know there isn't a Bible verse that says verbatim that a husband should make the relationship with his wife his first priority after his relationship with God and that if he refuses he is sinning,  but I do like the Amplified Bible's version of 1 Cor. 7:3 which acknowledges that my 'conjugal rights' consist of more than just a sexual encounter. I agree that "both people have a responsibility to nurture the relationship and to resolve whatever issues there are" but if one refuses to look at or try and resolve issues or even to simply engage, the other spouse's options are somewhat limited.

Rosemary West / forbetterorwhat.com
Rosemary West / forbetterorwhat.com

Male or female, a spouse who is sexually/emotionally frustrated is going to be more vulnerable to outside temptations. That is just the reality of being a human being! At the same time, this doesn't mean that husbands and wives can simply make demands from each other and expect that mere compliance will solve the problems in their relationship. Both people have a responsibility to nurture the relationship and to resolve whatever issues there are.

tori7879
tori7879

I say this all the time. It is usually the sexually refusing spouse that offers these excuses. Temptation is not sin, but it is unfair to expect your spouse to go days, weeks, or months with no sex and then think they will not be suceptible to the allure of something else. And the reasons for saying no do not affect the level of temptation. I love my husband, but once a week for 6 years we have had this conversation and I fear it will not improve. It makes me sad.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@tori7879 If there is a real and understandable reason why one spouse can not have sex - as opposed to just saying no - I think the temptation is somewhat less. But when there is no good reason, it is very difficult.

ChuckMartz
ChuckMartz

@tori7879  unacceptable behavior is exactly that. There is an expectation between spouses, and to behave poorly in any area is wrong. For some reason our society and culture has made doing the wrong thing excusable, and it seeks to punish the person that is doing the right thing. It makes me sad too. 


janna94
janna94

At the time, I never really thought much of the temptation my husband was under when I was limiting his sexual release by refusing or gate-keeping, I just figured that it was between him and God, and his sin would be his sin.  Now that we are in a different place, and he knows that I'm always "available" to him and we are "connecting" often, I see that it does deter temptation.  His thoughts are on me, he even has trouble concentrating at work because he's thinking of us or me.  His actions are like he's saying, "What other women?  What sites on the computer?  What! There are other things in life other my wife and I's marriage bed!?"

FullOfHope
FullOfHope

My husband and I came very close to a divorce a couple of years ago.  I could tell you he had an affair and leave all the blame on him, but truth be known, our marriage problems were not because of the affair - the affair was because of the problems.  I take responsibility for my actions or lack thereof.  My not wanting to have sex with my husband was due to not putting God first in my life.  My disrespect toward him was because I didn't put God first in my life.  My ranting and raving was because God wasn't number one in my life.  And because He wasn't first in my heart, He wasn't first in our marriage.  I can't speak for my husband, I can only speak for myself.  We know that it took both of us to make a mess out of our marriage, but when anyone is disrespected and turned down enough times, a door is opened to the enemy and because of the needs and desires with which we are created, one will walk through the door.  This certainly doesn't justify infidelity.  What it did for my husband and I was to open our eyes - albeit a very painful opening of our eyes - to what God expected from us.  Over time, we watched a miracle take place in our hearts and our marriage. His sexual desires are now my sexual desires.  We have a healthy and enjoyable and sometimes outrageous sex life now. :)  Putting God first in one's heart and marriage and even sex life, absolutely makes all the difference.  

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@FullOfHope I think most adultery is as you say, a result not a cause of marital problems. That does not make it less wrong, but should change how we think about it and what it might mean.

Glad you had the wisdom to see beyond the hurt and anger and find your way to a better marriage.

ForgivenWife
ForgivenWife

Your tweet was right on target. It isn't a threat; it's a reality of consequence. A few months ago, I wrote, "I’ve known in my mind that my sexual refusal put my husband in a place of vulnerability and made him ripe for temptation.  . . . Had my husband continued down that path, that sin would’ve been completely on him. But his vulnerability? That one’s on me. It was a closer call than I’d realized."

I got some flack for that, too. A wife's refusal doesn't justify a husband's infidelity. In some cases of refusal (mine), I might also add this: A husband's emotional disconnection doesn't justify his wife's refusal. 

When people are married, their individual sins create consequences for each other.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@ForgivenWife "When people are married, their individual sins create consequences for each other."

Exactly! 

Jesus said, "For it is necessary that temptations come, but woe to the one by whom the temptation comes!" [MT 18:7b] What I find interesting in that verse is that the "woe" is pronounce on anyone who causes temptation, not just those who cause temptation that leads to sin. So if I cause my spouse to be tempted, I will pay a price even if she does not sin!

ForgivenWife
ForgivenWife

@TheGenerousHusband @ForgivenWife That happened in my case. My refusal caused my husband to be tempted, and he didn't succumb. Meanwhile, I experienced frequent distress and anxiety related to the nearly constant sexual tension I had created. After I began to make changes, my husband's suffering and temptation ended. I, however, struggled to repent and relearn. I suffered in my heart--both during my refusal and during our restoration period.

BradPhillips2
BradPhillips2

I'm afraid I am NOT very politically correct.  I agree with everything you said in the tweet and this post.  This old world is full of dummies, that is putting it nicely, and you cannot let those keep you from the purpose God has called you to.  Truth hurts and these people speak out of ignorance and this culture is just making it worse and worse.  Great post.  Thanks for all you do.

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