A wife who reads this blog asked me to do a post about oral sex. Her husband used to do it reluctantly, now he says it’s sin and won’t do it at all. What he is willing to do is not getting her to orgasm, and she is at her wits end.
But everyone knows it’s wrong!
Fifty years ago, virtually all Christians would have told you oral sex was wrong. Oral sex was a big deal in the “free love movement” of the 50’s and 60’s, and prominent in the general promiscuity of the 70’s. It was also featured in porn, including the 1972 “Deep Throat” movie. For many “guilt by association” was all the “proof” needed that oral sex is sinful.
Of course, oral sex is hardly something new! We have artistic representations of oral sex going back a long way, including ancient Egypt at the time of the Hebrew captivity. We can thus be sure the Jews had to know about oral sex. If it was sin, it seems God would have mentioned that fact to the Jews. His silence doesn’t prove it is okay, but it certainly places the burden of proof on those who say it is sin. There are passages in Song of Songs that many experts believe refer to oral sex, preformed on both the man and the woman. The symbolic language of Song of Songs makes it impossible to prove this 100%, and those who want it to be wrong make that point and move on.
The bottom line is there is nothing in the Bible that even hints oral sex is wrong, and a couple of passages in SofS that more than hint it was included in the lovers sex play.
Those who think it is sin to ejaculate outside the vagina discount oral sex on a man based that belief, but it would not prevent oral sex as foreplay for men or to orgasm for women. Others say oral sex should be avoided for medical reasons because the genitals are “dirty”. In reality, the washed genitals are very clean, and considerably cleaner than the average mouth! It is true some STD’s can be transmitted by oral sex, but far more can be transmitted by intercourse, and STDs should not be an issue for most married couples.
I suspect many who reject oral sex do so because of personal feelings about the act. They feel sex is dirty, or the sex organs are dirty, ugly, or shameful. They had a bad experience with oral sex, giving or receiving, in the past, or they have guilt over engaging in oral sex when they were not married. Some are just selfish – oral sex is usually a one-way act, and some only want to engage in sex that brings them physical pleasure. Sadly, some who reject oral sex for these reasons try to spiritualise it by saying it’s sin.
So we have to?
All that said, no one should be pressed to engage in oral sex if they do not want to. Some find the idea so repulsive they gag at the thought, and there are reports from both men and women of oral sex ending in vomiting. Because I am all about love sacrificing, I think spouses should try to work past these limits; but expecting or demanding your spouse do that is not loving and should be avoided.
Still, we do have an obligation to provide our spouse with sex, and that means sex that satisfies them. If your wife is unable to reach orgasm from intercourse alone (and this is common), you need to find a way to provide her with all the orgasms she wants. If you’re not willing to use your mouth, it’s on you to find another way to pleasure her.
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