Yesterday I talked about the danger of comparing your wife to other women. Today, let us apply that to sex.
To whom do we compare our wives sexually? To the women we see in porn. The majority of men reading this have intentionally looked at porn in the last two months, and almost all of the rest have seen a fair amount of porn at some point. The younger you are, the more porn you have likely seen, especially if you had Internet access by your teen years. Most of us have seen a great deal of porn, and like it or not that has affected how we think about sex and what we sexually desire.
The real problem is porn is very different from real sex. I recently read an interview of a couple of female porn “stars” and they said that porn is just entertainment, and nothing like real sex. The women who do it know first-hand that what they do in porn is not what they want or do in real life – but do we? We say we get that, but I do not think we understand how far apart the two are.
- Porn is short on foreplay, and kissing is especially absent.
- Porn is rarely slow or gentle.
- Because porn acts have to play to the camera, the range of positions is limited and includes a good bit of contortion.
- Porn never ends with “Not tonight” (Unless he won’t take no for an answer…)
- The acts seen in porn do not match what real women most desire.
- The women in porn do not struggle to climax. Either they do with ease, or they are not expected to.
- When women climax in porn, they do things real women don’t do when they have real climaxes.
I could go on, but you get the idea. Please do not think you are immune to this, you are not. When I married Lori, I had been free of (magazine) porn for a decade and yet I see places where it still coloured my sexuality.
If you have seen porn, you are comparing your wife to those women, and your sex life to those acts. The more porn you have seen, the worse it is.
What can you do?
- First, admit you are comparing.
- Consider admitting it to your wife. If it is going to cause a huge problem maybe you should not, but please do not let your pride keep you from doing it when you should.
- Cut off the source or the problem. My favourite web site for this is Be Broken.
- Fight comparing. This is a long-term fight, and you will have good days and bad days – stick with it.
- Change how you think, replace poor thoughts with good thoughts.
- Learn to enjoy sex as it naturally unfolds.
- Work to learn what your wife wants and enjoys sexually.