When Sex Just Isn’t Worth the Effort

September 21, 2013

in Sexuality, YOU4HER

rope © Master isolated images | freedigitalphotos.net

Imagine climbing a rope, and at the top is a chocolate bar – or whatever you really like to eat. Any time you climb the rope, the treat is there. There would be times you wouldn’t be willing to climb the rope, even though you would enjoy the reward when you got to the top. The reward wouldn’t be worth the effort on some occasions.

For most women sex is like this at times; even if they’re sure there’s a great orgasm at the end of the climb, there are times when they’re just too tired, or too stressed, or too something else to find the reward worth the effort. For men feeling sex is “not worth the effort” is rare, and some younger men may never have felt that way. However, most women feel this way from time to time, or maybe most of the time depending on how chaotic their life is.

If you understand this, you can empathise with your wife when she feels sex isn’t worth the effort. Expecting her to climb the rope just so you can have what is at the top seems a bit selfish, does it not?

Of course, this doesn’t change the reality she is supposed to be there for you sexually, but if you understand how she feels, you’ll likely be more reasonable. On occasion you may willingly choose not to have sex. Another option for some women is sex “just for him”. Some women can have sex without getting so aroused they need a climax that’s more effort than it is worth. Such a woman may be more than happy to have sex, as long as you understand it’s just for you, and you don’t try to get her worked up.

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9 comments
KeelieReason
KeelieReason

For the first several years of my marriage, I had plenty of those nights where the sex was just for my husband. We would go into the encounter with him knowing that the time wasn't for me. I will tell you that I no longer do that, because it started to have a negative impact on me. I found that even though I didn't start of in the mood, by the time we got halfway through, it was feeling good to me, but too late to get him to switch gears and focus on me. I changed my mind and decided to always go into every night with the expectation that I would reach the big O. Since I told myself that is what I wanted to do, I've never had a time since that I haven't. I have found that I don't have to put out near the effort, because my mind is already there. Even if I'm not in the mood, I do have it in my mind that I don't want to go unsatisfied, because it emotionally wrecks me later on. I encourage women to get away from the concept of duty sex as a regular diet. I understand that there needs to be an occasional time, but too much duty sex creates problems in the marriage. Women can get into that habit so easily, because they don't have to be in the mood or into it to please their husband. I would just throw caution to any woman that makes "just for him" a regular part of their sex life. On the flip side, I do love that you are sharing with husbands that their wife can certainly be too tired for sex, and it isn't meant as a rejection. Men really do need to understand where their wives are coming from on this, because the physical and mental exertion can be too much at the end of a long day. I believe you've written posts before about how men should help their wives out so they have less on their plates. Us women have a really bad habit of taking control of everything going on in the home and taking it on ourselves to accomplish everything. That is why having a husband that will step in and help without being asked is so valuable. 

FredWashington
FredWashington

Yeah, you can have bad days but Marriage is a commitment and NOT a "mood" or a fad or an accessory.That Thoughtless Husband actually expecting his childish wife to be a WIFE.  He must do all the work in a relationship to please her and she can cop out any time she feels like it.  Why, Men should be USED to constant rejection from women.  LOL.  This article is just more Excuses for Selfishness.  People should rise OVER their sex, NOT use it as an excuse.  No wonder marriages fail and Men Cheat.  Their wives turn inwards with nothing left for the man to be married to.  So once again, wise women get to destroy their relationships by chalking off everything to their "moods" while a stupid man must be 100% responsible at all times regardless of how crappy he feels and how "chaotic" HIS day has been.  Women control sex, control the relationship, set all the rules, selfishly decide THEY don't need sex so you don't either.  In a reversal of "Why marry the cow if you get the milk for free" women can say "Why lie down with the Bull when you already have put barbed wire around his, uh, heart."  Face it, if it weren't for sex, you'd be with your fishing buddy watching football and having a great time.  Perhaps men should decide they aren't in the "mood" to visit the mother-in-law, kill that spider, check outside to see what "that noise is" in the middle of the night.  But NO!  Men aren't allowed to have moods.  Men must be responsible and considerate and understanding and flexible or else they are Satan!  Velcro Manhood.  Notice how Society treats women: rarely are convicted of crimes and are even more rarely punished like a man, who can't blame his "moods."   Statistics don't lie and don't have "moods" either.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@FredWashington I said nothing about a mood! This is about being too tired or stressed to want or enjoy sex. That does not "let her off the hook" but if her husband is a caring man it will affect what he expects.

The real issue is why she is too tried or too stressed, especially if it happens often.

3minuterule
3minuterule

I try and be cognoscent of when asking my wife is too much, but I am probably guilty of not understanding when she is willing to satisfy me yet she not in the mood or in the need for the same to happen for her. I am blessed to have a willing partner, and this is a great reminder that I need to be more aware of not only her needs, but her desires. Thanks for this blog, it always reminds me to stay grounded.

DocBS
DocBS

Perfect example last night...after a too full day, sitting there in bed finishing our Bible study my wife says "wake me up early" and looked for my response that that was ok.....it actually was better starting the morning off on a great note! My wife has her plate overflowing helping me, the kids, our extended family, and our home. There have been multiple times she has said don't expect the big "0" tonight. Those are a me time, appreciating her selflessness being exhausted physically and emotionally, and still there for me. She still enjoys the closeness an intimacy , but she can't put her 100 percent effort into it. I find the more I can be her helpmate and get some tasks off her shoulders, the less it's just for me.

Anonymous83
Anonymous83

Sex that is "just for you" can be a good idea, every now and then, but if it turns into the primary sexual relationship it can be very lonely. Satisfying sex is shared sex.

bbh999
bbh999

@Anonymous83  

Amen! If it happens regularly it goes from, "The O just isn't worth the effort" to, "You just aren't worth the effort!" Isn't it also true that the more often she does it the more she desires it and the easier it becomes? In other words, her begging off becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@bbh999 @Anonymous83 Or it is an indication that her life is too busy and stressful. 

Yes, most women find more sex makes it easier for them to want and enjoy sex. For many intercourse "just for him" works this way, making it an even better plan.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@Anonymous83 No argument from me on that. On the other hand, some men will refuse a generous "just for you" offer just to make a point, and that is like slapping her face, so it's not a good plan.

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